Happy Halloween.

As of October 18th, it's been six months. The past couple of weeks I've been more despondent than usual, and it took me until today to realize why. You know how some people get extra depressed around the holidays? Well, Halloween was our Christmas.

It was our favorite time of year. Sometimes we'd give out candy, other times we'd just turn out the lights and watch scary movies all night. Several times we spent weeks putting together matching costumes on a dollar store budget.

So today is rock bottom for me. The good news is, once I make it through my first Halloween without her, things can only go up from here.

My status hasn't changed much. I'm currently unemployed, and I get very little human contact. Sometimes I'm productive, but sometimes I waste the entire day sitting on the couch, watching YouTube. Often times I don't even have the emotional energy to do something fun.

Seriously. I can't even be bothered to do something I want to do. I'll be watching YouTube and think, "I'd really like to play a video game right now." But I always talk myself out of it. Part of it is I feel guilty playing games while I should be job hunting. Part of it is knowing that the game won't be as fun as it used to be, back when I was happier overall.

But most of it is simply spoon theory. A lot of people don't realize that it takes just as much emotional energy to do fun things as it takes to do work. Especially when you're suffering from depression.

Positive things. Today I watched the movie "Weapons," and it was very good. This Sunday I have a gaming session, which I'm looking forward to. I've been working with a guy at a job placement service, so I might find employment pretty soon. And even if I don't, I still have enough money in the bank to cover me for a while.

So overall, I'm going to be okay. I've been in a bit of slump for the past couple of weeks, but I think things are going to improve soon.

Unemployed Again

Short and sweet: 

The new job didn't work out. It was just too complicated for my grieving, 52-year-old brain. Plus it involved interacting with emergency services, which gives me PTSD for the night I had to call 911 for my wife.

I have several applications out there, and an interview on Tuesday. Don't worry about me, I have plenty of money to live on for a while.

In other news, I'm wearing glasses again, 20 years after getting Lasik. Once I have a steady job, maybe I'll save up for Lasik again.

 

I'd Rather Be Writing

I'm starting a new job on Sunday. I'm kind of disappointed in myself because I just can't work up the energy to do much. I went to see a movie today, just to get out of the house. Yesterday I played lots of video games, which, believe it or not, is actually progress. It's better than watching YouTube all day, anyway.

Still, I wish I was writing. I haven't properly written since I moved here. There's always an excuse. January through April, I couldn't write because I felt guilty for not having a job yet. April through June, I was grieving. July through August, my new job was taking too much energy out of me.

But I quit that job when I got hired for this new one, and I had a full week off in between. I wanted to write, but I'm too nervous about my new job. Once I start the new job, I'll still find reasons not to write.

The truth is, I was very lucky with my old job, the one I had before I moved. I was fortunate enough to have a job that had a lot of downtime. I wrote most of my books while at work. It's when my brain is most alert, and I have the right combination of chemicals floating around for productivity. Unfortunately my new job isn't going to give me any time for writing.

Maybe if I put aside specific writing hours on my days off, even going as far as to wear work clothes, I could get past my mental blocks and actually write something. I do have ideas. There's all sorts of stories floating around my brain, waiting to be written down.

I'm getting lonely. My D&D group isn't going to meet again for a while, because my new job will have me working most weekends. Maybe I'll make some friends at my new job, though I know I'll only be working with one person most of the time.

This house is too big and empty without KJ. I keep thinking about getting a roommate, and not just for the extra money. I'm on a message board for local LGBT+ people, and sometimes people post about needing a place to stay. Usually it's transgender young adults still living with their abusive parents. I'm always tempted to offer them a room.

But I doubt I ever will. First off, it feels skeevy somehow, as a 52-year-old, to offer a room to people in their 20s. I'd be doing it with the best of intentions, but I'm afraid someone would accuse me of being a sexual deviant. Secondly, I'm afraid of someone disappearing in the middle of the night with some of my stuff. But most of all, I just have a general fear of... whadoyoucallem... human beings.

I don't know. I love this house, but I'd love it more if I could share it.

Buffy and the Power Rangers

(Spoilers for Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

For the past few weeks I've been running a Buffy marathon as background noise, for whenever I'm playing on the computer and only half paying attention to the TV. Yesterday I got to the episode where Buffy's mother dies. It was already an upsetting episode, but this time it hit so hard I broke down in tears.

The episode probably triggered the unsettling dream I had later that night. In the dream, I got a call from the doctor's office. They told me that there'd been a mistake, and KJ had actually been in a coma all this time. And suddenly she was back in my life. She came home, got settled in, and we worked together to sort out all the complications her death had caused. The doctor also gave us a check for $140k, which I think was some sort of compensation or out-of-court settlement for claiming she was dead.

While I was overjoyed to see her again, there was some sort of unspoken tension between us. I had this weird suspicion that she'd faked her death to get away from me, but came back when she realized she couldn't live on her own. The dream also overemphasized her flaws - KJ kept wanting to go back to old habits like smoking, gambling, and charging too much on credit cards, and I kept trying to talk her out of these things. It's almost like my subconscious was trying to tell me, "See, it's not so bad that she died."

Well, fuck my subconscious. I woke up in the middle of the night, completely rattled. It took me several minutes just to figure out what was real. I kept wondering if it could be true, if she could be alive out there somewhere. Then I remembered she'd been cremated. Once that reality hit me, I started crying again and couldn't get back to sleep. So I got up to write this blog.

Will there ever be a day where I don't think of her at all? I can't imagine it. I don't want that to happen. I have her paintings hanging all over the house, and I think of her every time I walk past one. And I don't plan to take down those paintings any time soon, if ever.

Hell, I'm surprised at the little things that remind me of her. Sometimes I'll be in a grocery store and  start tearing up when I walk past her favorite powdered donuts. Or I'll see something online about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and suddenly have a flashback to the early days of our relationship.

See, the first Power Rangers episode premiered on August 28, 1993. KJ and I had known each other for about a month, and we were in that phase where we spent hours on the phone together every day. We'd basically watch TV together over the phone. Well, we happened to be watching the Fox channel when the first episode of Power Rangers came on.

It was an instant hit for us. We both loved "so bad it's good" media, and we spent the next half hour laughing and making fun of the show. It's one of the first things we really bonded over. We made a habit of watching it together for the next few months.

About six months ago, KJ and I were watching YouTube together when the strangest thing happened. The video we were watching went to commercial, but instead of an actual ad, YouTube played the entire first episode of Power Rangers. We were so dumbfounded we watched the whole thing. At no point did it try to advertise another channel, there was no "Hey, if you liked this, you can stream the entire series on blah blah." It just showed the half-hour episode, as if it were a commercial, then went back to the original video.

It almost feels like bookends, you know? The same show that brought us together, same episode even. We watched it about a month after we met, and about a month before she died. Almost like a portent, in retrospect.

Sometimes it hits me how perfect we were together. I mean, no relationship is perfect, but we completed each other. We covered for each other's weaknesses, filled in the gaps where the other was lacking. Now that she's gone, for the first time in my life I have to be a whole person.

I'm going back to bed. Maybe I'll even sleep.

More Ups and Downs

My mood is changing constantly these days. Some mornings I wake up and dread going to my new job. Other times I feel full of self-confidence. Monday and Tuesday were nerve-wracking. Wednesday I really found my groove, and that good vibe continued through most of Thursday. But then the final customer on Thursday night was a colossal jerk, and blew my confidence. The first customer Friday morning was also an asshole.

But later in the day, a customer called my manager to compliment my customer service. So that was a nice boost right when I needed it. But it's not just customers affecting my mood. It's all sorts of little things, and sometimes nothing at all.

I've been watching a lot of reaction videos lately, because it's hard to commit to watching something I've never seen before. My attention span's just as unpredictable as my mood, and I'm afraid that I'll lose interest halfway through a new movie. Anyway, I was watching a YouTuber watch one of my favorite romantic comedies when I suddenly started bawling.

The movie had a "found family" theme, and it hit me hard that I don't have any family nearby. This isn't a new trigger; it's hit me a couple of times before. Not as often as "my wife is gone" and the "I have no friends up here" moods, but it's still in my top 5 triggers.

I love this house and I don't plan to leave it. I'm getting used to my job (though I haven't stopped browsing the job listings), I love this city, and I really don't see myself packing up and moving to Florida just to be closer to family.

After work on Thursday I went to see Fantastic Four. Even though it's hard to watch new movies, I'm finding it's easier if I go to the theater. The lack of other distractions keeps my mind from wandering as much. I enjoyed the movie, but I kept wishing KJ was there. F4 was her favorite super hero team. She loved the 2005 movie, and even liked the sequel. It almost felt like sacrilege to see it without her.

But in the dark theater, I could imagine she was there beside me. It was kind of nice.

It depresses me that she died before the movie came out. She was really looking forward to seeing it. I'd love to have heard her thoughts about it. My favorite part of going to the movies with her was the drive home afterwards, where we discussed what we liked and didn't like about the movie.

Without that, I'm not sure why I even bother seeing new movies. It almost feels like an obligation. Like, I know I'm going to see this eventually, might as well get it out of the way. I mean, I appreciate a good movie. I've seen three this month. But do they make me happy?

I don't know. I'm not sure what "happy" is right now. It feels more like temporary relief than happiness. I mean, if you have a sunburn, does lotion make you happy, or just less sad?

Years ago, when I was suffering through a bout of depression, I wrote a blog where I listed reasons to live. One my reasons was that new Star Wars movies were coming out. I won't go as far as to say Fantastic Four was KJ's Star Wars, but I know she would have wanted to see it before she died.

This morning at the grocery store, a man with a dazed expression stopped me to say, "Hey. Jesus loves you." I keep a lot of snarky comebacks in my head, but I know I'd never use one. This guy looked slightly crazy, but he thought he was doing a good thing, so why would I ever give him grief for that? I think I just replied, "Thanks." Then he went on to say, "He died for you," and I replied something along the lines of, "I know. You have a good day," and shuffled off to the next aisle.

I try not to judge people like that. For one thing, I'm becoming that. Not in the religious sense, but I have been talking to myself a lot lately. Heck, I'm pretty sure I talked out loud the entire time I was shopping. Just things like, "Let's see, where do they keep the... nope, not this aisle..." and so on. It's not like I was having a full-on conversation with an invisible rabbit. But sooner or later, people are going to think I'm the crazy one.

I've already decided I'm going to become one of those old curmudgeons the neighbors gossip about. When I retire, there'll be a bunch of kids on bikes talking about That Crazy Old Guy's house, and how he never comes out of the house except around midnight to look for victims. Kids will dare each other to break into my house, and when one does, he'll discover that I'm just a lonely widower who never recovered from his lost love.

It'll be quite the heartwarming story, right up until I eat him.

Learning Curve

Yesterday was the third month anniversary of my wife's death. I've come along way, healing-wise, but I'm still in a lot of pain. Still, I've got a new job, made some new friends, and life is going on.

I have a love/hate relationship with my job. I love the company. I love the benefits. I love the office. I love the location. I love my coworkers. I love my cubicle.

The job itself? Hmm. It's a lot of phone customer service, and I'm okay with that. The problem is, there's a lot to learn. I tend to learn through repetition, but no two calls are ever the same. Each time someone calls, I have to pull up a different piece of software and go through a different set of steps.

Last week I sat with my trainer and watched him work. This week he sat with me and watched me work. Starting Monday I'll be sitting by myself.

This past week, I had to put customers on hold a lot while I asked my trainer questions. The problem is, half the calls I get are unique. So if a situation didn't come up in the past two weeks, I'll have no idea what to do when I get that kind of call next week. Of course there will be people to ask, but I don't like putting customers on hold for long periods of time while I track down the answer.

So far, while I'm sitting there at my desk, the job doesn't seem so bad. The calls are infrequent - sometimes I go more than fifteen minutes without my phone ringing. Most of the customers have been pleasant so far.

But my stress levels are through the roof at all other times. I have trouble sleeping at night. When I get up in the morning, I feel like I'm going to throw up. My left eyelid's been twitching, and I get frequent heartburn. Every morning I think about calling them and saying, "Sorry, this job isn't for me." Every lunch break I consider driving home and not coming back.

It will get better as I learn more about my job. Every call brings new knowledge, and eventually I won't be nervous at all. I just have to stick it out.

But I'm also having problems learning new things. Maybe it's because I'm in my 50s, or maybe it's because I'm still in mourning, but it's taking a lot longer for new knowledge to sink in. I used to pick things up so quickly, but now it's like my brain is granite, and I'm trying to carve new information in with a chisel made of Nerf.

Twice this week I've been on a phone with a customer, when they said something that somehow brought me back to the 911 call three months ago. When it happened, I completely blanked out and forgot what the customer needed. There've been a few other triggers as well. I don't know if that'll ever go away.

And I'm disgusted with myself, and my first-world problems. I'm so lucky to have found such a perfect job, and I'm complaining because I'm not good at it yet. Everyone there keeps telling me I'm doing fine, and that everybody takes a long time to learn this job. They even have a chat channel where employees who've been there for years still ask for advice on how to help their customers.

But I hate sucking at things. I want a job that I'm instantly good at. I hate asking for help. I find it embarrassing.

I keep telling myself to just give it time. And I will. I promise I won't just quit on a whim. But will I ever feel knowledgeable enough to be comfortable there?

We'll just have to see how it goes.

My Life Part 2: The Sequel

Boy, when it rains, it pours. Well, I wish it would rain. It's been a rainy month around here, actually, but this past week has been nothing but dry, boiling heat. I want that rain back.

But this blog isn't about rain, it's about life's tendency to suddenly go into overdrive. I feel like I've been treading water for the past month. But suddenly two things are happening at once.

First off, I got a job. It starts Monday. I'm not 100% sure it's something I want to do, but it's a lot better than some of the other jobs I applied for, and there's only so many choices around here. It looks like a good company, it has great benefits, and I don't have to do any heavy lifting.

Also, I might be getting a D&D group together. A few weeks ago I posted on a message board that I wanted to start a group, but I didn't get any bites. But today, five people suddenly responded. So we're meeting this Sunday to iron out the details.

Naturally, I'm nervous about the job. It's customer service, over the phone. It doesn't look too complicated. I'm not selling anything, I'm just answering questions. But I've barely spoken at all this month, and I know my voice is going to be hoarse by the end of my first day. On the bright side, my first week will only be four days due to the upcoming holiday.

I'm also nervous about meeting new people on Sunday. I've lived here six months and haven't made any friends. Seriously, I don't know anyone. There are no familiar faces, no neighbors I know on sight. Okay, there's one guy, but I only recognize him when he's walking his dog. Without the dog he would just be a face in the crowd. More people should get dogs so I can tell them apart.

My house has been like a prison, and it's my fault. I've always been afraid of people. But it has to be done. I can't just sequester myself from the world.

I really hope I can learn this job quickly. I really hope I hit it off with my new friends. My life is taking off in a new direction. New city, new job, new friends. I hope it's not too much at once. I hope I can handle the change. I'm going to have to be a stronger person, but I think I'm ready for it.

My brand new life starts now.