Cruel But Wonderful Dreams

It's been a year and four months since my wife passed away. In the past couple of months, I've been having more and more dreams about her. These dreams are way more vivid than my usual dreams. When I talk to her in my dreams, she feels way more real than other people I dream about. The average characters in my dreams are practically cartoon characters compared to when I dream about KJ.

I had a wonderful dream last night. KJ showed up at my door. I asked her how she could be there, and she said, "Tell ya later, let's go out." It was a very long dream. I don't remember what all we did, but we talked a lot and went to some of our favorite places.

The main thing is, it just felt so real. Every word she said sounded like something she'd say, not something my mind would have written for her. I don't believe in the supernatural, but it's hard not to imagine she was trying to contact me from the other side.

I do a lot of lucid dreaming, or at least semi-lucid. Near the end of the dream, I realized I was starting to wake up. I told her I had to go away for a minute, and asked her to please be here when I got back. She promised she would stay, then I woke up to a world without her.

I felt shaky all morning. It was a beautiful dream, but the aftermath was devastating. I nearly cried at work several times. It was a hectic day at work, which actually helped a little, because it gave me something else to concentrate on.

But seriously, brain, why do you have to be so cruel?

One Year Later

Today is the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. During the past year I've held four jobs, none of which I've kept. I've spent most of the year hiding from the world, wallowing in self pity, unable to find happiness. I haven't written any books, nor have I kept up with any of my other hobbies.

But tomorrow starts a new year, at least from my perspective. I'm going to make the most of it. I have some job interviews next week, and once that part of my life is back on track, I believe everything else will fall into place.

Wish me luck. 

Wish Me Luck

So, I finally got a job, it starts tomorrow morning. 

It all happened pretty fast. I'm subscribed to several job sites. On Tuesday morning I checked my email and applied to three jobs they suggested. An hour later I got a phone call from one of them, asking me to come in for an interview, which happened an hour after the call. They liked me at the interview, and asked me if I could start Thursday.

It's for the front desk at an apartment complex, where I will collect rent checks and help new tenants sign paperwork. The pay is decent for the area and benefits are included. My only gripe so far is the commute - it's not far, but there's lots of construction.

Anyway, wish me luck. It sounds like a great job; I'll let you know how it goes.

Happy Halloween.

As of October 18th, it's been six months. The past couple of weeks I've been more despondent than usual, and it took me until today to realize why. You know how some people get extra depressed around the holidays? Well, Halloween was our Christmas.

It was our favorite time of year. Sometimes we'd give out candy, other times we'd just turn out the lights and watch scary movies all night. Several times we spent weeks putting together matching costumes on a dollar store budget.

So today is rock bottom for me. The good news is, once I make it through my first Halloween without her, things can only go up from here.

My status hasn't changed much. I'm currently unemployed, and I get very little human contact. Sometimes I'm productive, but sometimes I waste the entire day sitting on the couch, watching YouTube. Often times I don't even have the emotional energy to do something fun.

Seriously. I can't even be bothered to do something I want to do. I'll be watching YouTube and think, "I'd really like to play a video game right now." But I always talk myself out of it. Part of it is I feel guilty playing games while I should be job hunting. Part of it is knowing that the game won't be as fun as it used to be, back when I was happier overall.

But most of it is simply spoon theory. A lot of people don't realize that it takes just as much emotional energy to do fun things as it takes to do work. Especially when you're suffering from depression.

Positive things. Today I watched the movie "Weapons," and it was very good. This Sunday I have a gaming session, which I'm looking forward to. I've been working with a guy at a job placement service, so I might find employment pretty soon. And even if I don't, I still have enough money in the bank to cover me for a while.

So overall, I'm going to be okay. I've been in a bit of slump for the past couple of weeks, but I think things are going to improve soon.

Unemployed Again

Short and sweet: 

The new job didn't work out. It was just too complicated for my grieving, 52-year-old brain. Plus it involved interacting with emergency services, which gives me PTSD for the night I had to call 911 for my wife.

I have several applications out there, and an interview on Tuesday. Don't worry about me, I have plenty of money to live on for a while.

In other news, I'm wearing glasses again, 20 years after getting Lasik. Once I have a steady job, maybe I'll save up for Lasik again.

 

I'd Rather Be Writing

I'm starting a new job on Sunday. I'm kind of disappointed in myself because I just can't work up the energy to do much. I went to see a movie today, just to get out of the house. Yesterday I played lots of video games, which, believe it or not, is actually progress. It's better than watching YouTube all day, anyway.

Still, I wish I was writing. I haven't properly written since I moved here. There's always an excuse. January through April, I couldn't write because I felt guilty for not having a job yet. April through June, I was grieving. July through August, my new job was taking too much energy out of me.

But I quit that job when I got hired for this new one, and I had a full week off in between. I wanted to write, but I'm too nervous about my new job. Once I start the new job, I'll still find reasons not to write.

The truth is, I was very lucky with my old job, the one I had before I moved. I was fortunate enough to have a job that had a lot of downtime. I wrote most of my books while at work. It's when my brain is most alert, and I have the right combination of chemicals floating around for productivity. Unfortunately my new job isn't going to give me any time for writing.

Maybe if I put aside specific writing hours on my days off, even going as far as to wear work clothes, I could get past my mental blocks and actually write something. I do have ideas. There's all sorts of stories floating around my brain, waiting to be written down.

I'm getting lonely. My D&D group isn't going to meet again for a while, because my new job will have me working most weekends. Maybe I'll make some friends at my new job, though I know I'll only be working with one person most of the time.

This house is too big and empty without KJ. I keep thinking about getting a roommate, and not just for the extra money. I'm on a message board for local LGBT+ people, and sometimes people post about needing a place to stay. Usually it's transgender young adults still living with their abusive parents. I'm always tempted to offer them a room.

But I doubt I ever will. First off, it feels skeevy somehow, as a 52-year-old, to offer a room to people in their 20s. I'd be doing it with the best of intentions, but I'm afraid someone would accuse me of being a sexual deviant. Secondly, I'm afraid of someone disappearing in the middle of the night with some of my stuff. But most of all, I just have a general fear of... whadoyoucallem... human beings.

I don't know. I love this house, but I'd love it more if I could share it.

Buffy and the Power Rangers

(Spoilers for Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

For the past few weeks I've been running a Buffy marathon as background noise, for whenever I'm playing on the computer and only half paying attention to the TV. Yesterday I got to the episode where Buffy's mother dies. It was already an upsetting episode, but this time it hit so hard I broke down in tears.

The episode probably triggered the unsettling dream I had later that night. In the dream, I got a call from the doctor's office. They told me that there'd been a mistake, and KJ had actually been in a coma all this time. And suddenly she was back in my life. She came home, got settled in, and we worked together to sort out all the complications her death had caused. The doctor also gave us a check for $140k, which I think was some sort of compensation or out-of-court settlement for claiming she was dead.

While I was overjoyed to see her again, there was some sort of unspoken tension between us. I had this weird suspicion that she'd faked her death to get away from me, but came back when she realized she couldn't live on her own. The dream also overemphasized her flaws - KJ kept wanting to go back to old habits like smoking, gambling, and charging too much on credit cards, and I kept trying to talk her out of these things. It's almost like my subconscious was trying to tell me, "See, it's not so bad that she died."

Well, fuck my subconscious. I woke up in the middle of the night, completely rattled. It took me several minutes just to figure out what was real. I kept wondering if it could be true, if she could be alive out there somewhere. Then I remembered she'd been cremated. Once that reality hit me, I started crying again and couldn't get back to sleep. So I got up to write this blog.

Will there ever be a day where I don't think of her at all? I can't imagine it. I don't want that to happen. I have her paintings hanging all over the house, and I think of her every time I walk past one. And I don't plan to take down those paintings any time soon, if ever.

Hell, I'm surprised at the little things that remind me of her. Sometimes I'll be in a grocery store and  start tearing up when I walk past her favorite powdered donuts. Or I'll see something online about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and suddenly have a flashback to the early days of our relationship.

See, the first Power Rangers episode premiered on August 28, 1993. KJ and I had known each other for about a month, and we were in that phase where we spent hours on the phone together every day. We'd basically watch TV together over the phone. Well, we happened to be watching the Fox channel when the first episode of Power Rangers came on.

It was an instant hit for us. We both loved "so bad it's good" media, and we spent the next half hour laughing and making fun of the show. It's one of the first things we really bonded over. We made a habit of watching it together for the next few months.

About six months ago, KJ and I were watching YouTube together when the strangest thing happened. The video we were watching went to commercial, but instead of an actual ad, YouTube played the entire first episode of Power Rangers. We were so dumbfounded we watched the whole thing. At no point did it try to advertise another channel, there was no "Hey, if you liked this, you can stream the entire series on blah blah." It just showed the half-hour episode, as if it were a commercial, then went back to the original video.

It almost feels like bookends, you know? The same show that brought us together, same episode even. We watched it about a month after we met, and about a month before she died. Almost like a portent, in retrospect.

Sometimes it hits me how perfect we were together. I mean, no relationship is perfect, but we completed each other. We covered for each other's weaknesses, filled in the gaps where the other was lacking. Now that she's gone, for the first time in my life I have to be a whole person.

I'm going back to bed. Maybe I'll even sleep.