(Spoilers for Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
For the past few weeks I've been running a Buffy marathon as background noise, for whenever I'm playing on the computer and only half paying attention to the TV. Yesterday I got to the episode where Buffy's mother dies. It was already an upsetting episode, but this time it hit so hard I broke down in tears.
The episode probably triggered the unsettling dream I had later that night. In the dream, I got a call from the doctor's office. They told me that there'd been a mistake, and KJ had actually been in a coma all this time. And suddenly she was back in my life. She came home, got settled in, and we worked together to sort out all the complications her death had caused. The doctor also gave us a check for $140k, which I think was some sort of compensation or out-of-court settlement for claiming she was dead.
While I was overjoyed to see her again, there was some sort of unspoken tension between us. I had this weird suspicion that she'd faked her death to get away from me, but came back when she realized she couldn't live on her own. The dream also overemphasized her flaws - KJ kept wanting to go back to old habits like smoking, gambling, and charging too much on credit cards, and I kept trying to talk her out of these things. It's almost like my subconscious was trying to tell me, "See, it's not so bad that she died."
Well, fuck my subconscious. I woke up in the middle of the night, completely rattled. It took me several minutes just to figure out what was real. I kept wondering if it could be true, if she could be alive out there somewhere. Then I remembered she'd been cremated. Once that reality hit me, I started crying again and couldn't get back to sleep. So I got up to write this blog.
Will there ever be a day where I don't think of her at all? I can't imagine it. I don't want that to happen. I have her paintings hanging all over the house, and I think of her every time I walk past one. And I don't plan to take down those paintings any time soon, if ever.
Hell, I'm surprised at the little things that remind me of her. Sometimes I'll be in a grocery store and start tearing up when I walk past her favorite powdered donuts. Or I'll see something online about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and suddenly have a flashback to the early days of our relationship.
See, the first Power Rangers episode premiered on August 28, 1993. KJ and I had known each other for about a month, and we were in that phase where we spent hours on the phone together every day. We'd basically watch TV together over the phone. Well, we happened to be watching the Fox channel when the first episode of Power Rangers came on.
It was an instant hit for us. We both loved "so bad it's good" media, and we spent the next half hour laughing and making fun of the show. It's one of the first things we really bonded over. We made a habit of watching it together for the next few months.
About six months ago, KJ and I were watching YouTube together when the strangest thing happened. The video we were watching went to commercial, but instead of an actual ad, YouTube played the entire first episode of Power Rangers. We were so dumbfounded we watched the whole thing. At no point did it try to advertise another channel, there was no "Hey, if you liked this, you can stream the entire series on blah blah." It just showed the half-hour episode, as if it were a commercial, then went back to the original video.
It almost feels like bookends, you know? The same show that brought us together, same episode even. We watched it about a month after we met, and about a month before she died. Almost like a portent, in retrospect.
Sometimes it hits me how perfect we were together. I mean, no relationship is perfect, but we completed each other. We covered for each other's weaknesses, filled in the gaps where the other was lacking. Now that she's gone, for the first time in my life I have to be a whole person.
I'm going back to bed. Maybe I'll even sleep.
