Learning Curve

Yesterday was the third month anniversary of my wife's death. I've come along way, healing-wise, but I'm still in a lot of pain. Still, I've got a new job, made some new friends, and life is going on.

I have a love/hate relationship with my job. I love the company. I love the benefits. I love the office. I love the location. I love my coworkers. I love my cubicle.

The job itself? Hmm. It's a lot of phone customer service, and I'm okay with that. The problem is, there's a lot to learn. I tend to learn through repetition, but no two calls are ever the same. Each time someone calls, I have to pull up a different piece of software and go through a different set of steps.

Last week I sat with my trainer and watched him work. This week he sat with me and watched me work. Starting Monday I'll be sitting by myself.

This past week, I had to put customers on hold a lot while I asked my trainer questions. The problem is, half the calls I get are unique. So if a situation didn't come up in the past two weeks, I'll have no idea what to do when I get that kind of call next week. Of course there will be people to ask, but I don't like putting customers on hold for long periods of time while I track down the answer.

So far, while I'm sitting there at my desk, the job doesn't seem so bad. The calls are infrequent - sometimes I go more than fifteen minutes without my phone ringing. Most of the customers have been pleasant so far.

But my stress levels are through the roof at all other times. I have trouble sleeping at night. When I get up in the morning, I feel like I'm going to throw up. My left eyelid's been twitching, and I get frequent heartburn. Every morning I think about calling them and saying, "Sorry, this job isn't for me." Every lunch break I consider driving home and not coming back.

It will get better as I learn more about my job. Every call brings new knowledge, and eventually I won't be nervous at all. I just have to stick it out.

But I'm also having problems learning new things. Maybe it's because I'm in my 50s, or maybe it's because I'm still in mourning, but it's taking a lot longer for new knowledge to sink in. I used to pick things up so quickly, but now it's like my brain is granite, and I'm trying to carve new information in with a chisel made of Nerf.

Twice this week I've been on a phone with a customer, when they said something that somehow brought me back to the 911 call three months ago. When it happened, I completely blanked out and forgot what the customer needed. There've been a few other triggers as well. I don't know if that'll ever go away.

And I'm disgusted with myself, and my first-world problems. I'm so lucky to have found such a perfect job, and I'm complaining because I'm not good at it yet. Everyone there keeps telling me I'm doing fine, and that everybody takes a long time to learn this job. They even have a chat channel where employees who've been there for years still ask for advice on how to help their customers.

But I hate sucking at things. I want a job that I'm instantly good at. I hate asking for help. I find it embarrassing.

I keep telling myself to just give it time. And I will. I promise I won't just quit on a whim. But will I ever feel knowledgeable enough to be comfortable there?

We'll just have to see how it goes.