More Ups and Downs

My mood is changing constantly these days. Some mornings I wake up and dread going to my new job. Other times I feel full of self-confidence. Monday and Tuesday were nerve-wracking. Wednesday I really found my groove, and that good vibe continued through most of Thursday. But then the final customer on Thursday night was a colossal jerk, and blew my confidence. The first customer Friday morning was also an asshole.

But later in the day, a customer called my manager to compliment my customer service. So that was a nice boost right when I needed it. But it's not just customers affecting my mood. It's all sorts of little things, and sometimes nothing at all.

I've been watching a lot of reaction videos lately, because it's hard to commit to watching something I've never seen before. My attention span's just as unpredictable as my mood, and I'm afraid that I'll lose interest halfway through a new movie. Anyway, I was watching a YouTuber watch one of my favorite romantic comedies when I suddenly started bawling.

The movie had a "found family" theme, and it hit me hard that I don't have any family nearby. This isn't a new trigger; it's hit me a couple of times before. Not as often as "my wife is gone" and the "I have no friends up here" moods, but it's still in my top 5 triggers.

I love this house and I don't plan to leave it. I'm getting used to my job (though I haven't stopped browsing the job listings), I love this city, and I really don't see myself packing up and moving to Florida just to be closer to family.

After work on Thursday I went to see Fantastic Four. Even though it's hard to watch new movies, I'm finding it's easier if I go to the theater. The lack of other distractions keeps my mind from wandering as much. I enjoyed the movie, but I kept wishing KJ was there. F4 was her favorite super hero team. She loved the 2005 movie, and even liked the sequel. It almost felt like sacrilege to see it without her.

But in the dark theater, I could imagine she was there beside me. It was kind of nice.

It depresses me that she died before the movie came out. She was really looking forward to seeing it. I'd love to have heard her thoughts about it. My favorite part of going to the movies with her was the drive home afterwards, where we discussed what we liked and didn't like about the movie.

Without that, I'm not sure why I even bother seeing new movies. It almost feels like an obligation. Like, I know I'm going to see this eventually, might as well get it out of the way. I mean, I appreciate a good movie. I've seen three this month. But do they make me happy?

I don't know. I'm not sure what "happy" is right now. It feels more like temporary relief than happiness. I mean, if you have a sunburn, does lotion make you happy, or just less sad?

Years ago, when I was suffering through a bout of depression, I wrote a blog where I listed reasons to live. One my reasons was that new Star Wars movies were coming out. I won't go as far as to say Fantastic Four was KJ's Star Wars, but I know she would have wanted to see it before she died.

This morning at the grocery store, a man with a dazed expression stopped me to say, "Hey. Jesus loves you." I keep a lot of snarky comebacks in my head, but I know I'd never use one. This guy looked slightly crazy, but he thought he was doing a good thing, so why would I ever give him grief for that? I think I just replied, "Thanks." Then he went on to say, "He died for you," and I replied something along the lines of, "I know. You have a good day," and shuffled off to the next aisle.

I try not to judge people like that. For one thing, I'm becoming that. Not in the religious sense, but I have been talking to myself a lot lately. Heck, I'm pretty sure I talked out loud the entire time I was shopping. Just things like, "Let's see, where do they keep the... nope, not this aisle..." and so on. It's not like I was having a full-on conversation with an invisible rabbit. But sooner or later, people are going to think I'm the crazy one.

I've already decided I'm going to become one of those old curmudgeons the neighbors gossip about. When I retire, there'll be a bunch of kids on bikes talking about That Crazy Old Guy's house, and how he never comes out of the house except around midnight to look for victims. Kids will dare each other to break into my house, and when one does, he'll discover that I'm just a lonely widower who never recovered from his lost love.

It'll be quite the heartwarming story, right up until I eat him.

Learning Curve

Yesterday was the third month anniversary of my wife's death. I've come along way, healing-wise, but I'm still in a lot of pain. Still, I've got a new job, made some new friends, and life is going on.

I have a love/hate relationship with my job. I love the company. I love the benefits. I love the office. I love the location. I love my coworkers. I love my cubicle.

The job itself? Hmm. It's a lot of phone customer service, and I'm okay with that. The problem is, there's a lot to learn. I tend to learn through repetition, but no two calls are ever the same. Each time someone calls, I have to pull up a different piece of software and go through a different set of steps.

Last week I sat with my trainer and watched him work. This week he sat with me and watched me work. Starting Monday I'll be sitting by myself.

This past week, I had to put customers on hold a lot while I asked my trainer questions. The problem is, half the calls I get are unique. So if a situation didn't come up in the past two weeks, I'll have no idea what to do when I get that kind of call next week. Of course there will be people to ask, but I don't like putting customers on hold for long periods of time while I track down the answer.

So far, while I'm sitting there at my desk, the job doesn't seem so bad. The calls are infrequent - sometimes I go more than fifteen minutes without my phone ringing. Most of the customers have been pleasant so far.

But my stress levels are through the roof at all other times. I have trouble sleeping at night. When I get up in the morning, I feel like I'm going to throw up. My left eyelid's been twitching, and I get frequent heartburn. Every morning I think about calling them and saying, "Sorry, this job isn't for me." Every lunch break I consider driving home and not coming back.

It will get better as I learn more about my job. Every call brings new knowledge, and eventually I won't be nervous at all. I just have to stick it out.

But I'm also having problems learning new things. Maybe it's because I'm in my 50s, or maybe it's because I'm still in mourning, but it's taking a lot longer for new knowledge to sink in. I used to pick things up so quickly, but now it's like my brain is granite, and I'm trying to carve new information in with a chisel made of Nerf.

Twice this week I've been on a phone with a customer, when they said something that somehow brought me back to the 911 call three months ago. When it happened, I completely blanked out and forgot what the customer needed. There've been a few other triggers as well. I don't know if that'll ever go away.

And I'm disgusted with myself, and my first-world problems. I'm so lucky to have found such a perfect job, and I'm complaining because I'm not good at it yet. Everyone there keeps telling me I'm doing fine, and that everybody takes a long time to learn this job. They even have a chat channel where employees who've been there for years still ask for advice on how to help their customers.

But I hate sucking at things. I want a job that I'm instantly good at. I hate asking for help. I find it embarrassing.

I keep telling myself to just give it time. And I will. I promise I won't just quit on a whim. But will I ever feel knowledgeable enough to be comfortable there?

We'll just have to see how it goes.

My Life Part 2: The Sequel

Boy, when it rains, it pours. Well, I wish it would rain. It's been a rainy month around here, actually, but this past week has been nothing but dry, boiling heat. I want that rain back.

But this blog isn't about rain, it's about life's tendency to suddenly go into overdrive. I feel like I've been treading water for the past month. But suddenly two things are happening at once.

First off, I got a job. It starts Monday. I'm not 100% sure it's something I want to do, but it's a lot better than some of the other jobs I applied for, and there's only so many choices around here. It looks like a good company, it has great benefits, and I don't have to do any heavy lifting.

Also, I might be getting a D&D group together. A few weeks ago I posted on a message board that I wanted to start a group, but I didn't get any bites. But today, five people suddenly responded. So we're meeting this Sunday to iron out the details.

Naturally, I'm nervous about the job. It's customer service, over the phone. It doesn't look too complicated. I'm not selling anything, I'm just answering questions. But I've barely spoken at all this month, and I know my voice is going to be hoarse by the end of my first day. On the bright side, my first week will only be four days due to the upcoming holiday.

I'm also nervous about meeting new people on Sunday. I've lived here six months and haven't made any friends. Seriously, I don't know anyone. There are no familiar faces, no neighbors I know on sight. Okay, there's one guy, but I only recognize him when he's walking his dog. Without the dog he would just be a face in the crowd. More people should get dogs so I can tell them apart.

My house has been like a prison, and it's my fault. I've always been afraid of people. But it has to be done. I can't just sequester myself from the world.

I really hope I can learn this job quickly. I really hope I hit it off with my new friends. My life is taking off in a new direction. New city, new job, new friends. I hope it's not too much at once. I hope I can handle the change. I'm going to have to be a stronger person, but I think I'm ready for it.

My brand new life starts now.

Caged Animal

Some days I just don't know what to do with myself. I had job interviews on Monday and Tuesday this week, both of which went very well. One of them really sounds like they're going to hire me once they hear back from my references.

Then I got sick for a couple of days. I think it's the weather. The rising temperatures and random thunderstorms are giving me headaches and allergy attacks.

My sleep schedule is off. I keep waking up with headaches all night, the kind that go away after I drink some water. I've been going through two water bottles a night lately. Which also means getting up for a lot of bathroom trips.

I don't feel I've accomplished enough this week, but I did get some things done that I'd been putting off, like fixing the downstairs toilet. Which reminds me, I keep seeing a weird commercial on YouTube about a procrastination drug, and the haunting jingle keeps getting stuck in my head. But I don't need drugs, I just need a job so I can go back to having a more rigid schedule.

Today I feel really good, but I don't know what I want to do about it. I thought about seeing a movie, but there's nothing I want to see. There's three must-see movies coming out in July (when I'll probably have a job limiting my schedule), but none of the movies currently playing are enough to tempt my wallet.

I should mow the lawn today, but I missed the window. I didn't even think about it until it was already too hot. Now I'll have to wait for sunset or try again tomorrow morning.

There's an anime convention this weekend in Owensboro, which is about 40 minutes from here. I like anime, but I wouldn't say I'm into anime. I've barely watched any of it since Voltron as a kid. There's also going to be video games and tabletop RPGs, though, so I'm tempted.

It's hard to get motivated when your life seems empty, but I've been trying to stick to the following rules: 

1. Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.

I can't take credit for this one, it's a meme that's been going around Facebook. Basically, for some depressed people, the idea of doing certain activities can be so ponderous that they put it off indefinitely. But if they allow themselves to do a poor job, it at least becomes do-able, which is better than not doing it at all.

2. Accomplish something every day.

Some days I give myself a to-do list, but even looking at the list feels so daunting I just want to hide under the covers. But if I tell myself I only have to do this one thing, I often find the energy for five or six things. Other times it's 9 PM and I find I still haven't accomplished anything, so I stop what I'm doing and make myself do a chore before I get too tired.

3. If you can't think of anything you want to do, do something you don't want to do.

This one has motivated me the most. Sometimes, like today, I find myself wandering around the house looking for something to do. Do I want to watch TV? No, I'm not in the mood. Do I want to play video games? No, I don't see that making me happy right now. Do I want to go out? No, I can't think of anything I'd find interesting.

If nothing sounds fun, then that's the perfect time to do a chore. I mean, you're not going to have fun anyway, right? So might as well accomplish something instead of staring at the walls. I've gotten so much done simply because nothing is giving me much joy right now.

That was more depressing than I wanted to sound. Oh well, things will get better. On Monday I meet with my lawyer to finalize some probate things, so that should give me some closure. And I expect I'll have a job by the end of the month, so that will improve my life as well.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm off to do... something. Wish me luck.

Happy Pride

Happy Pride, I guess. I'm getting more involved this year. I've entered my books in two giveaways and a book bundle. I attended a Pride festival last weekend, and will be going to another one this weekend. The local libraries are hosting LGBT movie nights, and I plan to attend as many of them as possible.

But the world is really depressing right now. I've been tuning out the news, since I'm already in mourning, but some stories are too big to ignore.

Jonathan Joss, the actor who voiced John Redcorn on King of the Hill, was killed in a hate crime. According to his husband, he was shot by a neighbor who had been shouting homophobic slurs.

Meanwhile, the government is trying to make porn illegal, while simultaneously trying to reclassify anything pro-transgender as porn. Which means all my books could conceivably be declared illegal. Will this pass? Who knows. I'd like to think Amazon, being a huge powerful company, would fight back. After all, they'd lose revenue too if that many books had to be delisted at once.

So when I keep saying, "get them while they're still legal," this is what I mean. If you want to support my work, links to my books are here:

https://books2read.com/ap/8N19Lr/Xine-Fury

The above links will take you to the Kindle store, as well as Smashwords, Nook, and several other e-book retailers. If you prefer a physical copy, you can order them from IngramSpark using these links:

https://xinefury-bloodhunters.blogspot.com/2025/05/paperbacks-by-xine-fury.html

Note, even though the paperbacks are more expensive, I don't personally get more more money from them, so don't let that be a factor in which books you buy, if any.

Dream: Job Hunting

Last night I dreamed I was filling out an online application for a job. The form asked a lot of odd questions you wouldn't normally see on an an application, such as, "Have you ever ridden a giraffe?" But some of the questions were instructions, like a scavenger hunt. For example, at one point it asked me to drive to the grocery store and buy a gallon of milk, then come back home and go to the next question.

I got the job, which involved explaining to ghosts that they were dead. They gave me a deck of cards with words like YES and NO as well as a bunch of common nouns and verbs. I would spread the cards out on the table and the ghosts would point to them, since they couldn't talk. My first ghost client looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger. He'd died a few days earlier, but had been wandering around the house and going about his normal routine, unaware he'd died.

I know that social services aspect sounds a lot like Beetlejuice, but the vibe was more bureaucratic, like Dead Like Me. There was nothing Tim Burtony about the dream. I sat down with Arnold and started talking to him, unsure exactly how to break it to him. Then I started choking on a piece of gum and woke up.

Anyway, I'm probably just nervous because I have a job interview Monday morning. Wish me luck.

Aimless

I remembered to pick up cat food this morning. Then I spent about an hour on lawn care. I showered, did laundry, and worked a little more on decorating the house. I didn't put in a full day's work, but at least I didn't waste the day.

In some ways, I now have the life I've dreamed of for years. I have less debt than I've had in thirty years. I have a big house full of cool toys. I'm a (self) published author, with eight books on the kindle store, and who cares if they sell. Younger me would be looking at older me in awe.

So why am I wandering aimlessly around the house, not sure what I want to do next, unable to focus on anything, and occasionally breaking down in tears?

That's a rhetorical question, of course. We both know why. The real question is, "Why did I finally get the life I wanted, only for fate to betray me?" I mean, this is some Twilight Zone bullshit.

She did not deserve to die. I'm no fool; I know fate is unkind. As much as we love to believe in karma, the truth is that this is an unfair world. It rains on the just and the unjust. You can deluge me with feel-good stories of fate rewarding good behavior, or jerks getting what they deserve, but that's just cherry-picking data. Most of the time, fate is random.

Supposedly, the seven stages of grief are: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. I could not tell you which I'm in right now, and I've randomly experienced at least three of them every day this month. Every day it's a different grief sampler.

But most of the time I just feel numb. I don't have the emotional energy to write, and video games don't bring me the joy they used to. I still spend a lot of time watching YouTube, more staring at it than actually watching. KJ might have passed away, but it feels like I'm the one haunting the house.