Sunday, June 17, 2018

I Know. Still.

Well, now I've done it.  Yesterday I mentioned all the lesbian romance novels I've been reading.  Well, they've triggered my dysphoria something fierce.  I loved every minute reading "Solve For i", but I've felt depressed ever since I finished it.  Why can't I have Gemma's problems?  Why can't I have that life?  Her life isn't perfect, she has all sorts of problems.  I'm not asking for a perfect, problem-free life here.  What I want is something more than half the humans on the planet get for free, due to simple random biology.

This is an excerpt from the excellent book, She's Not There: A Life In Two Genders by Jennifer Finney Boylan.

    I often woke up and lay there in the dark. Usually this was about a quarter to four. I'm the wrong person, I thought. I'm living the wrong life, in the wrong body.
    To which I would respond:You're a maniac. An idiot.You have a life a lot of other people dream about, a life so full of blessings that your heart hurts.
    To which I would respond: I know. Still.
    To which I would respond: Well, what do you think you're going to do about this now? Have a sex change, at age forty? Abandon all the love that has made your life whole, so that you can enter into a new life, about which you know nothing? What kind of woman do you think you'd be now, having never had a girlhood? What kind of person do you think you'd be, leaving your children without a father, your wife without a husband?
    To which I would respond: I know. Still.
    To which I would respond:Well, you go on and have a sex change, then. Just leave me out of it. I'll just say my prayers so I can appreciate the things I have and not launch off like an imbecile into a life of lurid marginality.
    To which I would respond:You know, don't you, that no amount of wishing that this were not the case can make it not the case. No amount of praying that you are not transgender will make you some-thing other than what you are. No amount of love from anyone will make you fit inside a body that does not match your spirit.
    To which I would respond: Well, I'll be goddamned if I'm going to break anybody's heart. I'll be goddamned if I'm going to let my family down. I'll be goddamned if I'm going to give up everything I've always wanted just so I can fit.
    To which I would respond: I know. Still.
    To which I would respond: Well, all right, then. You'll be god-damned.

I read this book more than 10 years ago, and it's still one of my favorite books about transgender issues.  The passage above really resonates with me.  It sums up just about every feeling I have about my gender identity.

There are times when, from a logical standpoint, I don't even believe in the concept of gender.  It's just a made up social construct. Would I still feel transgender if we lived in some sci-fi future where there were no gender roles?  Would I still want to live as a woman if I lived in a country where women are treated like slaves?  Can't I just live my life as gender neutrally as possible, and let people assume I'm a normal guy? 

I know.  Still.

In the grand scheme of things, it just seems like such a First World Problem.  There are people out there fighting for survival every day, and here I am whining because I don't look cute in a dress. Even in my own life, I've got bigger problems.  I have debts, the house needs repairs, and so on.

I know.  Still.

Life is short.  What's the point of changing my life now, when I've missed all the years I'd want to enjoy most?  What do I really get from it?  Why risk all my current friendships?  Why alienate myself from my family?  Why risk my job?  Why make my current life harder?  Why not just focus on my hobbies, and let my identity go on the back burner? 

I know.  Still.

I make all these arguments, but I always come back to the same thing.  The logical reasons don't fix anything.  I still feel like I'm pretending my way through life, unable to show my true self.  Every night I picture myself in various lives. This is how I fall asleep: imagining myself as a woman, in different scenarios.  Sometimes I'm a redhead who lives in Seattle.  Sometimes I'm a brunette who lives in Wales.  I'll picture potential jobs, entire house layouts, what sort of friends I have, and so on.

Some of these fantasies are mundane, with me working a 9-to-5 job and barely making ends meet.  Sometimes I'm unbelievably rich.  Sometimes I have super powers.  If you're going to fantasize anyway, might as well go big, right?  But in all the scenarios, I'm female.  I simply can not fantasize about a life where I'm male.  There is no "dream life" where I'm a rich, good looking man.

I've given up getting cispeople to understand it.  I really don't think it's possible.  The best I can hope for is for them to realize that it's important to me.

I've probably said this before, but this is the best way I know how to explain it:  When you see a movie, and there's a character you think is really cool, to the point where you fantasize about being them.  It's usually someone of your own sex, right?  How many cis-men do you think saw Tomb Raider and though, "Gee, I wish I was Lara Croft?"  No, but you can bet a lot of them had Indiana Jones fantasies.  Me, I identify with the cool female characters.

Or when you look in the mirror, and decide that your body isn't perfect, and want to shed a few pounds or gain a bit of muscle.  You have an idealized image of yourself in your head, whether it's something possible (like losing weight) or something a lot less likely (like being six inches taller).  Mine is female.  Ideally, a cute thin redhead.  Some guys might envy Vin Diesel, and not just because they think it would get them laid more.  They just really like the look.  Me, I envy Felicia Day.

But I am not going to transition.  Not only is it just about impossible in so many ways - economically, socially, logistically - but even if I was rich and alone, I'm not convinced it would be fulfilling.  I have no way of knowing if I would ever feel 100% a woman, or if I would forever feel like some sort of imposter.

I have to accept that this is what life is.  It's not fair, but I have it better than a lot of people.  Some people wish they had legs. Or a roof over their heads.  Or their children's lives back.  And I'm sitting here wishing I looked cute in a dress.  It's time to stop pining over what I'm not, and work on improving the life that I have.

It's the only logical answer.

I know.  Still.


Saturday, June 16, 2018

Living Vicariously Through Fictional Lesbians

(This should probably go on my entertainment blog, but it felt better here.)

Not too long ago I discovered BookBub, a site that e-mails you when Kindle books go on sale.  If you read a lot of e-books, it's worth checking out.  You tell them what categories you read, and they send you a daily e-mail with links to cheap/free books.  I've collected a large library of free Kindle books this way. 

I always thought romance stories were boring.  But BookBub showed me a category of romance novel I'd never really thought about - Lesbian romance.  Curious, I downloaded a few of the free ones just to see what I thought.

Well... I love them.  As it turns out, I don't hate romance after all, I just don't like reading about men.  Not that I dislike male characters, but my secret inner lesbian can't relate to them, and doesn't really care whether they "get the girl" or whatever.  And if the main character is female, well sure I want her to be happy, but I can't relate to wanting a man.

So it turns out lesbian romance is right up my alley.  Now let's be clear - I'm not talking about porn (though the occasional explicit scene doesn't bother me), but more like romantic comedies.  I've read several of them now, and like any other genre, some are better than others.  A couple of them were downright dull, but there have been a few standouts.

Here's a sampling of some of the ones I liked most:

The Rules of Love by Cara Malone
This is just a basic romance story between two lesbian college students.   Ruby is popular, but a great student.  Max has Asperger syndrome, and is very focused on her studies.  At first they see each other as rivals, but later give in to sexual tension.  But are they on the same page?  Is it just a fling, or the beginning of a relationship?

I liked this one because it was breezy - nothing earth-shattering, just the kind of light-hearted book you might read on an airplane to pass the time.  I was impressed at how well Asperger syndrome was portrayed (though it's not like I would know).  It has two follow-up books, which I am considering reading.  It's written in third person, but each chapter alternates which protagonist's point-of-view is in focus.

For those uncomfortable with love scenes, I should warn you that there are a couple.  The first one actually takes several (short) chapters, because as I mentioned above, that's how it switches point-of-view.  It takes a few chapters so you can see how each character perceives each part of the encounter.  The sex scenes are tastefully written IMO, but still fairly explicit.

Rulebreaker by Cathy Pegau
Liv Braxton is a professional criminal on a mission of corporate espionage, hoping to blackmail a major company.  She gets hired as a personal assistant to Zia Talbot, a no-nonsense executive with a weakness for beautiful assistants.  Can Liv find the incriminating files before being discovered?  And can she do it without falling for Zia herself? 

This was the first sci-fi lesbian romance I've read, and I hope I find more like it.   In fact, it has inspired me.  I don't want to go into detail, but I am considering writing some GLBT sci-fi of my own.  The world needs more of that out there.

Again, a warning for the squeamish - this one does have one explicit love scene.  Which makes me wonder where one draws the line between erotic literature and normal romance stories.  How explicit does it need to be?  How many such scenes need to be in the book?  How deep does the plot need to be, and does it matter if the sex is crucial to the plot?  Of the lesbian romances I've read so far, I'd only call a couple of them "erotica" or "porn" (and Rulebreaker wasn't one of them), but that definition's going to vary from person to person.

Solve For i by A E Dooland 
This is my favorite lesbian romance so far.  Gemma is a neurotic math wiz, working a menial job at a major corporation.  She has always thought of herself as straight, but has recently started having odd yearnings towards her long-time best friend, Sarah.  Thus begins a journey of self-discovery and personal growth, where Gemma eventually realizes she's gay and has to find a way of coming out to her friends.

Though Gemma and I live extremely different lives, I identified with Gemma more than I have ever identified with a fictional character.  It's written in first person, and the author has a real understanding of crippling social anxiety.  Often Gemma would be asked a question, and she would spend so long weighing all her possible answers - just knowing that every answer was the wrong one - until she finally wouldn't say anything at all.  I've been there.

I can't tell you how many times Gemma even annoyed me with her fear-induced procrastination.  And each time I would think, "Dammit Gemma, you need to tell them right now... but yeah, I probably would have done the same thing."  And that's the crux of it; it was like reading a character with my own worst qualities.
 
And yet, I would personally beat a puppy to death with a kitten just to have her problems.  As much as she is a colossal screw-up (as am I), she's also a cute redhead lesbian with a decent job and several close friends.  And by the end of the book she has overcome a lot of her fears and problems.  If I overcame my social anxiety and fears, I'd still be a middle-aged fat guy with massive debt and the wrong genitals.  In some respects, reading these lesbian romances may not be the best thing for me - when I snap back to reality afterwards, I grow even more depressed.

But anyway, it's a wonderful book.  It actually made me laugh and cry several times, and I haven't cried from a book since high school.  I plan to read Dooland's other books set in the same universe: Under My Skin and Flesh & Blood (which I believe take place before Solve For i, but feature some of the side characters). 

Explicitness factor: Not very high.  There are two love scenes, sort of.  One of them is a bit explicit, but not much worse than you might see in a Dean Koontz book. 

So if you only read one lesbian romance novel this year... oh, who am I kidding, no one who reads this blog is going to be into that.  Regardless, Solve For i had a deep personal connection for me.  Anyone who does decides to read it will understand the way I think a little bit more.