Counterpoint to this blog.
Reasons I will not transition (in no particular order):
1. I love my wife. Even if I don't show it as often as I should, she is the world to me. She has stated that if I were to transition, she would be supportive, but she would not stay with me. Losing her would be like losing a limb.
2. I started too late. To be fair, I know people way older than me who transitioned. But they're not me. I find it unbearable that I didn't transition when I could have been young and cute. Even if I started tomorrow, I would be in my 50s before I was really able to be seen as a woman.
3. I am poor. Yes, most trans people are. But with my debt and the way I live paycheck to paycheck, transitioning would throw me straight into bankruptcy. I would probably lose my job as well, and I'm not qualified for much else. The decision to transition could leave me homeless.
4. I am not 100% convinced I would find it fulfilling. It's such a huge gamble. What if I did everything, and still wasn't happy?
5. I don't pass. With my frame, I don't think I would ever fool anybody. Yes, I know the point isn't to convince others, it's to be comfortable with myself.
But I don't think I could bear the whispers behind my back, being
constantly misgendered, and so on.
6. Bathrooms. While the politicians keep tossing the law ball back and forth, I am absolutely terrified at the prospect of using a public restroom while dressed en femme. I absolutely can't go into the men's while wearing a dress, I'll get killed. I'm afraid to go into the women's if I don't pass, I might scare them.
Hmm, this list is a lot shorter than the previous blog. But the reasons themselves are quite weighty, and hard to get past. The only circumstances in which I can see myself transitioning is if I were to win several million dollars. Enough money that I don't have to leave the house until I'm fully transitioned. And even then... I just don't know if I would be brave enough.
Saturday, July 28, 2018
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Doing the Math
Reasons I know I'm transgender (in no particular order):
1. I strongly wish I had been born female. When I get in a really dysphoric mood, it's literally all I can think about. It is my one wish above all others.
2. When I was a child, and we would play Star Wars or GI Joe or whatever, I would play female characters as often as possible. I wasn't even sure at the time why it was so important to me, but I would go out of my way to make sure I could play women, whether we were using action figures or actually running around the backyard.
3. I've always picked female characters in video games when possible. I am about 90% more likely to buy a video game if I can play a female character. I play games to escape and live another life for a while, and I'm just not interested if the only characters are males. It's not just "so I can look at a female bum."
4. I prefer books/movies/shows/etc with female leads. I want to identify with the character in order to care what happens to them, and it's harder for me to relate to males. I know that sounds sexist, like I don't care if men live or die, but we are talking about fictional characters here.
5. When I look in the mirror, I don't relate with the person I see. The man in the mirror is perfectly attractive and I don't hate him. But it just doesn't feel like I'm looking at me. I feel like there should be a woman looking back at me.
6. I like wearing female clothing. If it were just a matter of thinking skirts are comfortable, I would try kilts. But no, I am actually happier in female clothing.
7. I only play female characters in D&D. In fact, it's the main reason I play- to live vicariously through these female characters. If I go too long without playing D&D, I start to feel more dysphoric.
8. When I fantasize about a perfect dream life, I'm always female. I don't care about being rich or thin if I can't also be female. I fall asleep at night picturing myself in other lives. I have a ton of different fantasy lives in my head, but I'm a woman in all of them.
9. I have an easier time making friends with women than men. With men I feel like an imposter, like I'm putting on a mask and trying to fit in. But with women I feel like I can just be myself. To be fair, I do currently have more male friends than female, but that's an accident of fate.
10. I don't have stereotypical male interests. Specifically, I hate cars and sports. Yes, I know that describes a lot of men. And to be fair, I don't have a lot of stereotypical female interests either. But I still believe it belongs on this list.
11. I am a feminist, bordering on misandrist. I believe in women's rights, as everyone should. But I also find myself having to suppress an innate prejudice against men in general. I'm definitely not an expert on feminism, and I try to just keep my mouth shut so I'm not accused of "white knighting" or whatever. But I do have a natural instinct to side with women even before I know all the details.
12. When I use chat rooms online, or play online games, I am strongly inclined to present myself as a woman. It's not enough to play a female character, I need the other players to think the player is female as well. Otherwise I just feel wrong.
13: I concluded that I was transgender by myself. I didn't actually know the word at the time, but I knew what was wrong with me. Some people tell me I'm too suggestible, and they believe that I must have come across a transgender website and latched onto it like a hypochondriac surfing WebMD. But I sought this information out myself because I wanted answers. I knew what I was like, and I knew what I was looking for.
14: I believe that women have tougher lives than men, and yet that doesn't sway me. If a gender neutral being were allowed to pick a sex, male would be the obvious choice. Stronger, more political power, more respected, higher pay, etc... It's a no-brainer. But this isn't a choice. This is who I am. This is how I'm wired.
15: Trans life is a tough life, but I want it anyway. Actually that's not true - I don't want a trans life, I want a ciswoman life. But lacking any magic lamps, a trans life is a better option than a male life. It's a life full of bigotry, loss of family and friends and employment, etc... but still preferable to pretending to be male all the time.
16. It goes against some of my own beliefs, and yet I still feel this way. Sometimes I'm not sure I believe the concept of gender, or that men and women are mentally different, and yet I still feel like I have the mind of a woman. I don't believe in destiny or a higher power, and yet I still feel like I was "supposed" to be a woman, as if some deity got my sex wrong. It's a paradox, but ultimately my dysphoria is stronger than my logical beliefs about genders.
17. Everything about transitioning scares the everloving crap out of me, and yet I feel I'm supposed to be doing it anyway. From finding a new job to deciding which bathroom to use, just about every aspect paralyzes me with fear. Which is probably why I haven't been transitioning. But I strongly believe it would be better for me.
18. When I dream at night, I'm often female. Okay, in most of my dreams my gender isn't really a factor, since I'm seeing through my own eyes. But when gender matters, I'm often a woman. Again, it doesn't prove anything, but it shows how much I subconsciously think of myself as a woman.
19. When I create characters for stories I write, my first inclination is always to make female. In my mind, the default is female, and I have to force myself to make some characters male just for realism and variety.
20. When I design a character, whether for a story or a D&D game or whatever, I spend a lot more time on the female characters than the males. The women have detailed backstories and I agonize over their outfits and equipment, while the men are more one-dimensional and hastily created.
21. I have a lot of feminine mannerisms. The way I stand, lean, sit, gesture, etc. If I was more extroverted, I'd probably get called metrosexual a lot. But since most of my conversations occur online, that's not an issue.
22. I find the shape of my body annoying. I'm clumsy, I feel like I'm too tall, and frankly I feel like my guy parts shouldn't be there. I'm uncomfortable talking about my genitals in a public blog, but basically it feels like having a giant mole in an uncomfortable place.
23. The sheer longevity of of my gender issues. Some people say it's just a phase, but I've felt this way my entire life. Sure I didn't always know the word "transgender", but I've always identified more with women. I had my real epiphany sometime around 2006, and there hasn't been a moment since that I doubted I was transgender. There may have been times I tried to talk myself out of it, or looked for alternative explanations, but I always knew what I was. If it lasts my entire life, is it still a phase?
24. I've been to two psychiatrists and two psychologists about my gender issues. I visited them regularly for about two years. None of them had any trouble believing I was transgender.
Wow, that's actually more points than I thought would occur to me when I started writing this. Every time I think I'm done with this list, I think of another one. Even once I post this blog, I might have to edit it again if I think of any more good ones. I know a couple of them are redundant, but it's still a lot of reasons.
When each point above is criticized individually, I agree with the detractors. No single point proves I'm transgender. Everything I've listed can be explained or excused or handwaved, without resorting to gender dysphoria. The things I did as a kid? Kids do all kinds of crazy things. The preference for female characters? Maybe I like lusting after them. Dreaming I'm a woman? Dreams are pretty random. Liking skirts? They're comfortable. The general feeling I should be a woman? Maybe I'm just having a broader identity crisis.
But when all these points are put together, they add up to something. If you don't think so, you're being willfully stubborn.
1. I strongly wish I had been born female. When I get in a really dysphoric mood, it's literally all I can think about. It is my one wish above all others.
2. When I was a child, and we would play Star Wars or GI Joe or whatever, I would play female characters as often as possible. I wasn't even sure at the time why it was so important to me, but I would go out of my way to make sure I could play women, whether we were using action figures or actually running around the backyard.
3. I've always picked female characters in video games when possible. I am about 90% more likely to buy a video game if I can play a female character. I play games to escape and live another life for a while, and I'm just not interested if the only characters are males. It's not just "so I can look at a female bum."
4. I prefer books/movies/shows/etc with female leads. I want to identify with the character in order to care what happens to them, and it's harder for me to relate to males. I know that sounds sexist, like I don't care if men live or die, but we are talking about fictional characters here.
5. When I look in the mirror, I don't relate with the person I see. The man in the mirror is perfectly attractive and I don't hate him. But it just doesn't feel like I'm looking at me. I feel like there should be a woman looking back at me.
6. I like wearing female clothing. If it were just a matter of thinking skirts are comfortable, I would try kilts. But no, I am actually happier in female clothing.
7. I only play female characters in D&D. In fact, it's the main reason I play- to live vicariously through these female characters. If I go too long without playing D&D, I start to feel more dysphoric.
8. When I fantasize about a perfect dream life, I'm always female. I don't care about being rich or thin if I can't also be female. I fall asleep at night picturing myself in other lives. I have a ton of different fantasy lives in my head, but I'm a woman in all of them.
9. I have an easier time making friends with women than men. With men I feel like an imposter, like I'm putting on a mask and trying to fit in. But with women I feel like I can just be myself. To be fair, I do currently have more male friends than female, but that's an accident of fate.
10. I don't have stereotypical male interests. Specifically, I hate cars and sports. Yes, I know that describes a lot of men. And to be fair, I don't have a lot of stereotypical female interests either. But I still believe it belongs on this list.
11. I am a feminist, bordering on misandrist. I believe in women's rights, as everyone should. But I also find myself having to suppress an innate prejudice against men in general. I'm definitely not an expert on feminism, and I try to just keep my mouth shut so I'm not accused of "white knighting" or whatever. But I do have a natural instinct to side with women even before I know all the details.
12. When I use chat rooms online, or play online games, I am strongly inclined to present myself as a woman. It's not enough to play a female character, I need the other players to think the player is female as well. Otherwise I just feel wrong.
13: I concluded that I was transgender by myself. I didn't actually know the word at the time, but I knew what was wrong with me. Some people tell me I'm too suggestible, and they believe that I must have come across a transgender website and latched onto it like a hypochondriac surfing WebMD. But I sought this information out myself because I wanted answers. I knew what I was like, and I knew what I was looking for.
14: I believe that women have tougher lives than men, and yet that doesn't sway me. If a gender neutral being were allowed to pick a sex, male would be the obvious choice. Stronger, more political power, more respected, higher pay, etc... It's a no-brainer. But this isn't a choice. This is who I am. This is how I'm wired.
15: Trans life is a tough life, but I want it anyway. Actually that's not true - I don't want a trans life, I want a ciswoman life. But lacking any magic lamps, a trans life is a better option than a male life. It's a life full of bigotry, loss of family and friends and employment, etc... but still preferable to pretending to be male all the time.
16. It goes against some of my own beliefs, and yet I still feel this way. Sometimes I'm not sure I believe the concept of gender, or that men and women are mentally different, and yet I still feel like I have the mind of a woman. I don't believe in destiny or a higher power, and yet I still feel like I was "supposed" to be a woman, as if some deity got my sex wrong. It's a paradox, but ultimately my dysphoria is stronger than my logical beliefs about genders.
17. Everything about transitioning scares the everloving crap out of me, and yet I feel I'm supposed to be doing it anyway. From finding a new job to deciding which bathroom to use, just about every aspect paralyzes me with fear. Which is probably why I haven't been transitioning. But I strongly believe it would be better for me.
18. When I dream at night, I'm often female. Okay, in most of my dreams my gender isn't really a factor, since I'm seeing through my own eyes. But when gender matters, I'm often a woman. Again, it doesn't prove anything, but it shows how much I subconsciously think of myself as a woman.
19. When I create characters for stories I write, my first inclination is always to make female. In my mind, the default is female, and I have to force myself to make some characters male just for realism and variety.
20. When I design a character, whether for a story or a D&D game or whatever, I spend a lot more time on the female characters than the males. The women have detailed backstories and I agonize over their outfits and equipment, while the men are more one-dimensional and hastily created.
21. I have a lot of feminine mannerisms. The way I stand, lean, sit, gesture, etc. If I was more extroverted, I'd probably get called metrosexual a lot. But since most of my conversations occur online, that's not an issue.
22. I find the shape of my body annoying. I'm clumsy, I feel like I'm too tall, and frankly I feel like my guy parts shouldn't be there. I'm uncomfortable talking about my genitals in a public blog, but basically it feels like having a giant mole in an uncomfortable place.
23. The sheer longevity of of my gender issues. Some people say it's just a phase, but I've felt this way my entire life. Sure I didn't always know the word "transgender", but I've always identified more with women. I had my real epiphany sometime around 2006, and there hasn't been a moment since that I doubted I was transgender. There may have been times I tried to talk myself out of it, or looked for alternative explanations, but I always knew what I was. If it lasts my entire life, is it still a phase?
24. I've been to two psychiatrists and two psychologists about my gender issues. I visited them regularly for about two years. None of them had any trouble believing I was transgender.
Wow, that's actually more points than I thought would occur to me when I started writing this. Every time I think I'm done with this list, I think of another one. Even once I post this blog, I might have to edit it again if I think of any more good ones. I know a couple of them are redundant, but it's still a lot of reasons.
When each point above is criticized individually, I agree with the detractors. No single point proves I'm transgender. Everything I've listed can be explained or excused or handwaved, without resorting to gender dysphoria. The things I did as a kid? Kids do all kinds of crazy things. The preference for female characters? Maybe I like lusting after them. Dreaming I'm a woman? Dreams are pretty random. Liking skirts? They're comfortable. The general feeling I should be a woman? Maybe I'm just having a broader identity crisis.
But when all these points are put together, they add up to something. If you don't think so, you're being willfully stubborn.
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
Transgender Fiction: Under My Skin
A while back I posted about some lesbian romance books I've been reading. One of the books was called "Solve for i" by A. E. Dooland. I didn't realize it until I was done reading it, but it was actually a spin-off of two other books: "Under My Skin" and "Flesh and Blood". So I read them in the wrong order, oops.
Under My Skin is about Min Lee, an Australian/Korean woman with oodles of artistic talent. She has an excellent (but stressful) job, and a wonderful boyfriend. Her life isn't perfect, but it's stable. That is, until everything gets shaken up at once. She is given the lead on an important project at work, she becomes friends with a hyper schoolgirl, and she begins having confusing thoughts about her gender identity.
Gemma from "Solve for i" is a side character the story. She's a friend of a friend who has a couple of significant scenes with Min. I still relate to Gemma more than any fictional character I've encountered, but Min Lee is pretty relatable too. Even though she's* the exact opposite of myself (she's FtM and I'm MtF), Min's feelings are very similar to mine. How she discovers her issues, how she feels about having to dress in the wrong clothing every day, loathing the person she sees in the mirror... these are so much like my own issues and experiences that it made the book feel very personal.
*note, since Min is FtM, I should probably be referring to her as "he". However, for reasons given in the books themselves, "she" is less confusing. Min is non-binary and doesn't care about pronouns, and some of the other characters continue to call her "she" throughout.
Since she's my opposite, my inner transwoman balked at some of Min's distaste for the things I want so dearly. I was reminded of something Data said to Spock on Star Trek: "In effect, you have abandoned what I have sought all my life." But I can still relate to it in more general terms. The cis people in the book ask a lot of the same questions and make the same anti-trans arguments I hear in real life. Min's own inner debates mimic mine. I really feel for her, and there were times the book made me cry.
Since this book was written by an Australian author and takes place in Sydney, it was neat seeing the little differences between American and Australian culture. It was even more interesting seeing how much was the same. Most of the time life was so similar that I forgot this was taking place on the opposite side of the world. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I aside from having to google a few words now and then, nothing really confused me.
If you are trans, you will find a lot of familiar things in this book, and may even find it life affirming. If you are cis, you may come away understanding trans people a little better. There’s a positive message at the end that’s so powerful, I really wish everyone would read this book.
This series is such a joy to read that I'm giving them the greatest compliment I can give an author: I'm not taking them off my Kindle when I'm done reading them. I know I'm going to read them again someday, probably soon enough that I don't want to have to redownload them. They're worth reading, and reasonably priced. But... do try to read them in the right order.
I still need to read Flesh and Blood. It takes me a long time to finish a book, and Dooland tends to be a little verbose (in a good way), so it might be a couple of months. But I will post here when I'm done.
Under My Skin is about Min Lee, an Australian/Korean woman with oodles of artistic talent. She has an excellent (but stressful) job, and a wonderful boyfriend. Her life isn't perfect, but it's stable. That is, until everything gets shaken up at once. She is given the lead on an important project at work, she becomes friends with a hyper schoolgirl, and she begins having confusing thoughts about her gender identity.
I’m kind of glad I read them in the wrong order. Min’s story gets so hopeless as the novel
approaches its climax, that I was starting to get stressed out myself.
It was a relief to partially know how things turn out. I swear, though, Lemony
Snicket has nothing on Min Lee.
If I’d had half as many things go wrong in one day as Min does, and I also lived in a 26th floor apartment with a balcony… well, all I’m saying is I’d be tempted. There've been times when a lack easy access was the only thing that saved my life. This is one of the reasons I don't own a gun: I don't need that kind of temptation lying around. But (and I'm trying to avoid spoilers here, but it needs to be said) the book has some of the best anti-suicide arguments I've ever seen.
If I’d had half as many things go wrong in one day as Min does, and I also lived in a 26th floor apartment with a balcony… well, all I’m saying is I’d be tempted. There've been times when a lack easy access was the only thing that saved my life. This is one of the reasons I don't own a gun: I don't need that kind of temptation lying around. But (and I'm trying to avoid spoilers here, but it needs to be said) the book has some of the best anti-suicide arguments I've ever seen.
Sometimes I thought the book was a little
repetitive, but it works. Min’s thought process is cyclical like mine. It's probably common among trans people - constantly talking yourself in and out of taking self-affirming risks. Heck, half of my personal blogs are variations of the same whine. I'm also redundant, I repeat myself, and I say things over and over.
Gemma from "Solve for i" is a side character the story. She's a friend of a friend who has a couple of significant scenes with Min. I still relate to Gemma more than any fictional character I've encountered, but Min Lee is pretty relatable too. Even though she's* the exact opposite of myself (she's FtM and I'm MtF), Min's feelings are very similar to mine. How she discovers her issues, how she feels about having to dress in the wrong clothing every day, loathing the person she sees in the mirror... these are so much like my own issues and experiences that it made the book feel very personal.
*note, since Min is FtM, I should probably be referring to her as "he". However, for reasons given in the books themselves, "she" is less confusing. Min is non-binary and doesn't care about pronouns, and some of the other characters continue to call her "she" throughout.
Since she's my opposite, my inner transwoman balked at some of Min's distaste for the things I want so dearly. I was reminded of something Data said to Spock on Star Trek: "In effect, you have abandoned what I have sought all my life." But I can still relate to it in more general terms. The cis people in the book ask a lot of the same questions and make the same anti-trans arguments I hear in real life. Min's own inner debates mimic mine. I really feel for her, and there were times the book made me cry.
Since this book was written by an Australian author and takes place in Sydney, it was neat seeing the little differences between American and Australian culture. It was even more interesting seeing how much was the same. Most of the time life was so similar that I forgot this was taking place on the opposite side of the world. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I aside from having to google a few words now and then, nothing really confused me.
If you are trans, you will find a lot of familiar things in this book, and may even find it life affirming. If you are cis, you may come away understanding trans people a little better. There’s a positive message at the end that’s so powerful, I really wish everyone would read this book.
This series is such a joy to read that I'm giving them the greatest compliment I can give an author: I'm not taking them off my Kindle when I'm done reading them. I know I'm going to read them again someday, probably soon enough that I don't want to have to redownload them. They're worth reading, and reasonably priced. But... do try to read them in the right order.
I still need to read Flesh and Blood. It takes me a long time to finish a book, and Dooland tends to be a little verbose (in a good way), so it might be a couple of months. But I will post here when I'm done.
Sunday, July 15, 2018
What Cis People Need To Understand
Dear cis person: How much time do you really spend thinking about gender? How much of your life have you devoted to researching it? For most cis people, I would bet it's not much. Maybe you think about it for a few minutes when it comes up in the news, but then you're distracted by the next topic. If your gender isn't broken, there's not much reason to think about it.
Most trans people I've met have been experts on the psychology of gender. We have to be. We spend every day thinking about it. It's a subject that keeps us up at night. We don't just wake up one day and think, "Oh, if I put on a pretty dress I'll be a girl now!" We read the books. We spend years in therapy. We do the research.
And we don't just read the books that agree with our opinions. We spend years trying to disprove our transness. No one wants to be trans, it is a soul-crushing life full of obstacles and threats that most cis people don't even consider. It would make life much simpler if we could just accept the bodies we were given. We try to fit in, we try to be comfortable, we don't just say "I guess I'm trans" and start cross dressing.
When it comes to public restrooms, most of us are scared to go into either one. It's never as simple as, "Oh, I'm dressed woman so I'll use the women's". It's more like, "If I use the women's, will they yell at me? If I use the men's, will I get beaten up? Will I make the other people in there uncomfortable? Can I hold it? Should I just go home early? Should I just stay home from now on? Can I really live my life like this?" We don't go into the restrooms for insidious reasons, we just want a safe place to pee.
No, we're not perfect. Like any group, sometimes the loudest of us say the dumbest things. Don't assume that the high profile trans celebrities represent all of us. You wouldn't judge all Christians by the ones who commit terrorist acts, so be careful about making similar assumptions about groups you don't understand.
We're not transitioning to "parody women" or "erase lesbians" or whatever the TERFs are now saying. We're not anti-feminist; in fact, most trans people I know are extremely feminist. I've personally been accused of wanting to be a woman because I think women have easier lives than men. I definitely don't believe that.
We have tried just "getting over it". We've tried living life as our birth sex. We transition to restore our own sanity, and in some cases to save our own lives.
I'm not saying your opinion is worthless. I'm just asking you to recognize that you are a novice who is arguing with experts. You may never completely understand us, and that's fine as long as you accept us. But please, stop thinking you know more about the subject than we do.
Most trans people I've met have been experts on the psychology of gender. We have to be. We spend every day thinking about it. It's a subject that keeps us up at night. We don't just wake up one day and think, "Oh, if I put on a pretty dress I'll be a girl now!" We read the books. We spend years in therapy. We do the research.
And we don't just read the books that agree with our opinions. We spend years trying to disprove our transness. No one wants to be trans, it is a soul-crushing life full of obstacles and threats that most cis people don't even consider. It would make life much simpler if we could just accept the bodies we were given. We try to fit in, we try to be comfortable, we don't just say "I guess I'm trans" and start cross dressing.
When it comes to public restrooms, most of us are scared to go into either one. It's never as simple as, "Oh, I'm dressed woman so I'll use the women's". It's more like, "If I use the women's, will they yell at me? If I use the men's, will I get beaten up? Will I make the other people in there uncomfortable? Can I hold it? Should I just go home early? Should I just stay home from now on? Can I really live my life like this?" We don't go into the restrooms for insidious reasons, we just want a safe place to pee.
No, we're not perfect. Like any group, sometimes the loudest of us say the dumbest things. Don't assume that the high profile trans celebrities represent all of us. You wouldn't judge all Christians by the ones who commit terrorist acts, so be careful about making similar assumptions about groups you don't understand.
We're not transitioning to "parody women" or "erase lesbians" or whatever the TERFs are now saying. We're not anti-feminist; in fact, most trans people I know are extremely feminist. I've personally been accused of wanting to be a woman because I think women have easier lives than men. I definitely don't believe that.
We have tried just "getting over it". We've tried living life as our birth sex. We transition to restore our own sanity, and in some cases to save our own lives.
I'm not saying your opinion is worthless. I'm just asking you to recognize that you are a novice who is arguing with experts. You may never completely understand us, and that's fine as long as you accept us. But please, stop thinking you know more about the subject than we do.
Saturday, July 14, 2018
Tennessee Schools Must Display National Motto
From the Channel 5 News site:
Ugh, just ugh. I've spent so much time wanting them to remove it from our money, and this just takes things in the wrong direction. I respect that most Tennesseans are religious, but why must they demand that everyone else be religious too?
I've heard that some claim that it's not about promoting religion, but rather promoting the national motto. Oh, so it's not Christian propaganda, it's political propaganda. Sure, that's way better. But you can't fool me. If the national motto was, "Protect the Environment" or "Visualize World Peace", they probably wouldn't be pushing so hard.
I'm not going to call it religious prosecution just yet. It's just words on a wall, not rounding up atheists for concentration camps. But it does send a definite and clear message: Atheists are not welcome here. And with that message, Christianity crosses the line from "well meaning dogma" to "oppressive hate group."
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Social Clumsiness
Once upon a time I was working at Subway. A customer came in and started to order, but before he got far a police officer came in. The officer pointed to the customer, smiled, and made a “come here” gesture. Both men left the building, and I could see them talking outside. After a few minutes they both laughed, the officer left, and the customer came back inside. I looked at him quizzically, and he told me what happened.
There was a Little Caesar’s next to the Subway. The customer had ordered a pizza by phone, but he got there right after they closed. Looking in through the door, he saw a pizza on the counter, which he assumed was his. Now, ordinarily he probably would have thought, “it’s closed, I’ll go somewhere else.” But it looked like they’d just closed a few minutes ago, they’d already made his food, and all they needed was for him to pay for it. In his mind, where was the harm? So he knocked on the door.
A young employee poked her head out from the back room, surprised by his knock. Using exaggerated motions, she pointed to her left. The customer found out later that she was trying to indicate the sign with their hours. But he took it to mean, “Our front door is locked, come around to the back door for your pizza.” So he walked around the building and knocked on the back door. The employee saw him through the peephole and called the police. When she never came to the back door, the customer decided to get Subway instead, and that’s when the officer showed up.
Socially comfortable people are reading this and thinking, “Wait… how could ANYONE think the employee meant for him to go to the back door? It’s unsafe to be opening the doors for anyone after hours, and the back door just makes it more dangerous!” But those who are socially clumsy, like myself, can relate instantly. Navigating social situations is a skill that comes more naturally to some people than others, and people like me often find themselves completely misunderstanding what’s going on around them.
Usually it's little things. Like one time in college a girl I liked told me she was going to start swimming more often, so she could lose weight. I replied, “Good idea!” I meant the swimming, but it sounded like I was responding to the “lose weight” part. My life is a series of wrong responses like that.
There’s an old Dilbert strip where he meets an attractive woman and he says, “It’s a pleasure to meet me. I hope you never find a live turtle in your soup.” Dilbert’s next self-berating thoughts indicate that even he doesn’t know what he meant by that sentence. There’s a Big Bang Theory episode where Leonard tries to say “hello” and “hi” at the same time, and it comes out “Hi low”. That’s what we socially clumsy people do. We try to say multiple things at once so that they come out as random word salad. We change our mind halfway through sentences. Then we mentally beat ourselves up and become strangely quiet, sometimes halfway through a sentence.
When I first moved out of state, I missed a lot of my old friends. This was before e-mail was very common, so I sent out a lot of letters with my new contact information, hoping at least one of them would call or write me. One day the phone rang, and the caller sounded exactly like Apu from the Simpsons. One of my high school friends was good at doing cartoon voices, and Apu was one of his favorites.
Calling me up while imitating a Simpsons character was exactly the kind of thing he would do. So after he said his hellos, I responded with a very familial, “Hey, buddy, what’s up?” It wasn’t my friend. It turned out to be a telemarketer, and that was his actual accent. He sounded confused for a second, but went on with his spiel. I listened to everything he had to say, politely turned down whatever he was trying to sell, and started to say goodbye.
But before ending the call, he asked me, “By the way, when you first picked up, it sounded like you recognized my voice…”
“Sorry, yes, I thought you were a friend of mine.”
“Oh, is your friend of Indian descent?”
And then I said one of the stupidest, most racist things I’ve said in my life. “No, he just likes doing funny voices.” I swear, I could hear his face fall over the phone. All the animation went out of his voice, and he flatly said, “Well, it was a pleasure talking to you, have a good day.” I hung up the phone, and just sort of stared at the wall for several minutes, feeling as if I’d just kicked myself in the stomach, wondering how I could possibly have been dumb enough to say that.
Not that it makes a difference, but I probably wasn’t using “funny” to mean “humorous” so much as “unusual”. As in, “The engine is making a funny noise.” I don’t find anything inherently funny about Apu’s accent, but my friend’s ability to mimic so many voices was delightful. I’m well aware of the “Problem with Apu”, but from my friend’s POV he wasn’t making fun of people with accents, he was doing impressions of TV characters.
But still… yeesh. Of all the things to come out of my mouth.
These are the little things that keep me up at night.
There was a Little Caesar’s next to the Subway. The customer had ordered a pizza by phone, but he got there right after they closed. Looking in through the door, he saw a pizza on the counter, which he assumed was his. Now, ordinarily he probably would have thought, “it’s closed, I’ll go somewhere else.” But it looked like they’d just closed a few minutes ago, they’d already made his food, and all they needed was for him to pay for it. In his mind, where was the harm? So he knocked on the door.
A young employee poked her head out from the back room, surprised by his knock. Using exaggerated motions, she pointed to her left. The customer found out later that she was trying to indicate the sign with their hours. But he took it to mean, “Our front door is locked, come around to the back door for your pizza.” So he walked around the building and knocked on the back door. The employee saw him through the peephole and called the police. When she never came to the back door, the customer decided to get Subway instead, and that’s when the officer showed up.
Socially comfortable people are reading this and thinking, “Wait… how could ANYONE think the employee meant for him to go to the back door? It’s unsafe to be opening the doors for anyone after hours, and the back door just makes it more dangerous!” But those who are socially clumsy, like myself, can relate instantly. Navigating social situations is a skill that comes more naturally to some people than others, and people like me often find themselves completely misunderstanding what’s going on around them.
Usually it's little things. Like one time in college a girl I liked told me she was going to start swimming more often, so she could lose weight. I replied, “Good idea!” I meant the swimming, but it sounded like I was responding to the “lose weight” part. My life is a series of wrong responses like that.
There’s an old Dilbert strip where he meets an attractive woman and he says, “It’s a pleasure to meet me. I hope you never find a live turtle in your soup.” Dilbert’s next self-berating thoughts indicate that even he doesn’t know what he meant by that sentence. There’s a Big Bang Theory episode where Leonard tries to say “hello” and “hi” at the same time, and it comes out “Hi low”. That’s what we socially clumsy people do. We try to say multiple things at once so that they come out as random word salad. We change our mind halfway through sentences. Then we mentally beat ourselves up and become strangely quiet, sometimes halfway through a sentence.
When I first moved out of state, I missed a lot of my old friends. This was before e-mail was very common, so I sent out a lot of letters with my new contact information, hoping at least one of them would call or write me. One day the phone rang, and the caller sounded exactly like Apu from the Simpsons. One of my high school friends was good at doing cartoon voices, and Apu was one of his favorites.
Calling me up while imitating a Simpsons character was exactly the kind of thing he would do. So after he said his hellos, I responded with a very familial, “Hey, buddy, what’s up?” It wasn’t my friend. It turned out to be a telemarketer, and that was his actual accent. He sounded confused for a second, but went on with his spiel. I listened to everything he had to say, politely turned down whatever he was trying to sell, and started to say goodbye.
But before ending the call, he asked me, “By the way, when you first picked up, it sounded like you recognized my voice…”
“Sorry, yes, I thought you were a friend of mine.”
“Oh, is your friend of Indian descent?”
And then I said one of the stupidest, most racist things I’ve said in my life. “No, he just likes doing funny voices.” I swear, I could hear his face fall over the phone. All the animation went out of his voice, and he flatly said, “Well, it was a pleasure talking to you, have a good day.” I hung up the phone, and just sort of stared at the wall for several minutes, feeling as if I’d just kicked myself in the stomach, wondering how I could possibly have been dumb enough to say that.
Not that it makes a difference, but I probably wasn’t using “funny” to mean “humorous” so much as “unusual”. As in, “The engine is making a funny noise.” I don’t find anything inherently funny about Apu’s accent, but my friend’s ability to mimic so many voices was delightful. I’m well aware of the “Problem with Apu”, but from my friend’s POV he wasn’t making fun of people with accents, he was doing impressions of TV characters.
But still… yeesh. Of all the things to come out of my mouth.
These are the little things that keep me up at night.
Sunday, July 8, 2018
Wasting My Life
I've been bouncing around the internet lately, joining various transgender message boards and chat rooms. But I still feel alone. The internet is full of young trans people who already look like supermodels despite only being a few months into transitioning. There's so much information out there now. People are realizing that they're transgender at younger ages.
It is amazing to me that I could even consider envying a transperson. If I'm going to be jealous of anyone, it's cis women. But everyone looks up to someone, and everyone seems to have their life a lot more together than I do.
The world is passing me by. Transgender issues are getting so much visibility now. When I was a kid, I always knew I identified more with female characters, but I never really knew what to do with that, and stuffed it away in the back of my head. I knew there were people who got "sex changes", but I always thought it had something to do with gay culture and never really looked into it.
About 12 years ago I started really noticing patterns to my life - for instance I couldn't play online games without assuming a female persona. I just couldn't, and I didn't understand why. I searched for an answer, and learned a new word - "Transgender". For a while I had to explain to so many people what the word meant... and then, suddenly, it was everywhere. Bathroom bills, Caitlyn Jenner, etc... now everyone knows what it means.
But no sooner had I discovered the term, than it started quickly evolving. To me, gender meant "male or female". Therefore, there couldn't be more than 4 genders total - Male, Female, Bigender (for those who feel like both, or who go back and forth), and Agender (for people who never feel a strong connection to any gender).
And yet, people keep saying there's more than that. One week I hear there's 32 genders. Later I hear there's 63. Most recently I heard the number was 122. Seriously, google "List of Genders". You probably won't find two sites that agree, and you'll find as many humor sites as you do serious ones.
I don't know about any of that. I've looked into the descriptions of some of these extra genders, and most of them seem like they would fall under the umbrella of bigender. But you know what? That's fine. I'm not going to criticize someone just because they want to use a different word to describe their gender. I am not going to dismiss their ideas about gender identity. There's too many bigots out there objecting to things they don't understand. I don't understand all these genders, but I support those who do.
But these non-binary definitions do not define me. I have a male body. I have a female brain. I am not gender fluid, I feel 100% female and I am stuck in a male life. My life is binary, my life is mismatched, and it SUCKS.
But I'm not going to transition. I simply can't. It's not a matter of lacking self-confidence, it's a practical matter. I am already deep in debt and living paycheck to paycheck, and married to a woman I can't bear to lose. If I came out at work, I would definitely lose my job, declare bankruptcy, and become homeless.
So I'm wasting my life. I have no clear goals. I think "shit or get off the pot", and yet I'm locking myself in the closet forever, singing "When will my life begin" from Tangled. I can't even talk to my wife without starting an argument. It's my fault. I'm brittle right now. My ego is fragile, and my self-worth is at zero. For a while I was able to stay sane by playing D&D and online games, but it's not enough.
Sometimes I think it's inevitable: Transition or suicide. And I know transition will never happen. Neither will suicide (I promise). But... neither will anything else, either. I won't ever work my way out of debt, or go back to school or get a better job. My dysphoria keeps me from having ambition. I'm just not interested in being a better person if that better person is still male.
It's like, to lose weight, you have to have a clear picture of what you want to look like. I don't bother losing weight because I know that if I lose 50 pounds I'll just be a more attractive man. Which is not a goal that inspires me. Same with my career. I could go back to school, become, a computer programmer (for example), and after years of hard work I'd be... a male computer programmer. Bah.
Of course, I try to tell myself: Lose weight anyway, it will make it easier if you start dressing as a woman again! Go back to school, it will give you more money to start thinking about transitioning! Doesn't work, because I'm positive I'm not going to transition, or even wear dresses any more. So... I don't have the motivation to improve my life, because I know I'll never improve it the way I want to.
So I'm stuck here. Waiting for something good to happen to me, rather than making it happen. Which makes me hate myself even more.
Dammit.
It is amazing to me that I could even consider envying a transperson. If I'm going to be jealous of anyone, it's cis women. But everyone looks up to someone, and everyone seems to have their life a lot more together than I do.
The world is passing me by. Transgender issues are getting so much visibility now. When I was a kid, I always knew I identified more with female characters, but I never really knew what to do with that, and stuffed it away in the back of my head. I knew there were people who got "sex changes", but I always thought it had something to do with gay culture and never really looked into it.
About 12 years ago I started really noticing patterns to my life - for instance I couldn't play online games without assuming a female persona. I just couldn't, and I didn't understand why. I searched for an answer, and learned a new word - "Transgender". For a while I had to explain to so many people what the word meant... and then, suddenly, it was everywhere. Bathroom bills, Caitlyn Jenner, etc... now everyone knows what it means.
But no sooner had I discovered the term, than it started quickly evolving. To me, gender meant "male or female". Therefore, there couldn't be more than 4 genders total - Male, Female, Bigender (for those who feel like both, or who go back and forth), and Agender (for people who never feel a strong connection to any gender).
And yet, people keep saying there's more than that. One week I hear there's 32 genders. Later I hear there's 63. Most recently I heard the number was 122. Seriously, google "List of Genders". You probably won't find two sites that agree, and you'll find as many humor sites as you do serious ones.
I don't know about any of that. I've looked into the descriptions of some of these extra genders, and most of them seem like they would fall under the umbrella of bigender. But you know what? That's fine. I'm not going to criticize someone just because they want to use a different word to describe their gender. I am not going to dismiss their ideas about gender identity. There's too many bigots out there objecting to things they don't understand. I don't understand all these genders, but I support those who do.
But these non-binary definitions do not define me. I have a male body. I have a female brain. I am not gender fluid, I feel 100% female and I am stuck in a male life. My life is binary, my life is mismatched, and it SUCKS.
But I'm not going to transition. I simply can't. It's not a matter of lacking self-confidence, it's a practical matter. I am already deep in debt and living paycheck to paycheck, and married to a woman I can't bear to lose. If I came out at work, I would definitely lose my job, declare bankruptcy, and become homeless.
So I'm wasting my life. I have no clear goals. I think "shit or get off the pot", and yet I'm locking myself in the closet forever, singing "When will my life begin" from Tangled. I can't even talk to my wife without starting an argument. It's my fault. I'm brittle right now. My ego is fragile, and my self-worth is at zero. For a while I was able to stay sane by playing D&D and online games, but it's not enough.
Sometimes I think it's inevitable: Transition or suicide. And I know transition will never happen. Neither will suicide (I promise). But... neither will anything else, either. I won't ever work my way out of debt, or go back to school or get a better job. My dysphoria keeps me from having ambition. I'm just not interested in being a better person if that better person is still male.
It's like, to lose weight, you have to have a clear picture of what you want to look like. I don't bother losing weight because I know that if I lose 50 pounds I'll just be a more attractive man. Which is not a goal that inspires me. Same with my career. I could go back to school, become, a computer programmer (for example), and after years of hard work I'd be... a male computer programmer. Bah.
Of course, I try to tell myself: Lose weight anyway, it will make it easier if you start dressing as a woman again! Go back to school, it will give you more money to start thinking about transitioning! Doesn't work, because I'm positive I'm not going to transition, or even wear dresses any more. So... I don't have the motivation to improve my life, because I know I'll never improve it the way I want to.
So I'm stuck here. Waiting for something good to happen to me, rather than making it happen. Which makes me hate myself even more.
Dammit.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)