More Ups and Downs

My mood is changing constantly these days. Some mornings I wake up and dread going to my new job. Other times I feel full of self-confidence. Monday and Tuesday were nerve-wracking. Wednesday I really found my groove, and that good vibe continued through most of Thursday. But then the final customer on Thursday night was a colossal jerk, and blew my confidence. The first customer Friday morning was also an asshole.

But later in the day, a customer called my manager to compliment my customer service. So that was a nice boost right when I needed it. But it's not just customers affecting my mood. It's all sorts of little things, and sometimes nothing at all.

I've been watching a lot of reaction videos lately, because it's hard to commit to watching something I've never seen before. My attention span's just as unpredictable as my mood, and I'm afraid that I'll lose interest halfway through a new movie. Anyway, I was watching a YouTuber watch one of my favorite romantic comedies when I suddenly started bawling.

The movie had a "found family" theme, and it hit me hard that I don't have any family nearby. This isn't a new trigger; it's hit me a couple of times before. Not as often as "my wife is gone" and the "I have no friends up here" moods, but it's still in my top 5 triggers.

I love this house and I don't plan to leave it. I'm getting used to my job (though I haven't stopped browsing the job listings), I love this city, and I really don't see myself packing up and moving to Florida just to be closer to family.

After work on Thursday I went to see Fantastic Four. Even though it's hard to watch new movies, I'm finding it's easier if I go to the theater. The lack of other distractions keeps my mind from wandering as much. I enjoyed the movie, but I kept wishing KJ was there. F4 was her favorite super hero team. She loved the 2005 movie, and even liked the sequel. It almost felt like sacrilege to see it without her.

But in the dark theater, I could imagine she was there beside me. It was kind of nice.

It depresses me that she died before the movie came out. She was really looking forward to seeing it. I'd love to have heard her thoughts about it. My favorite part of going to the movies with her was the drive home afterwards, where we discussed what we liked and didn't like about the movie.

Without that, I'm not sure why I even bother seeing new movies. It almost feels like an obligation. Like, I know I'm going to see this eventually, might as well get it out of the way. I mean, I appreciate a good movie. I've seen three this month. But do they make me happy?

I don't know. I'm not sure what "happy" is right now. It feels more like temporary relief than happiness. I mean, if you have a sunburn, does lotion make you happy, or just less sad?

Years ago, when I was suffering through a bout of depression, I wrote a blog where I listed reasons to live. One my reasons was that new Star Wars movies were coming out. I won't go as far as to say Fantastic Four was KJ's Star Wars, but I know she would have wanted to see it before she died.

This morning at the grocery store, a man with a dazed expression stopped me to say, "Hey. Jesus loves you." I keep a lot of snarky comebacks in my head, but I know I'd never use one. This guy looked slightly crazy, but he thought he was doing a good thing, so why would I ever give him grief for that? I think I just replied, "Thanks." Then he went on to say, "He died for you," and I replied something along the lines of, "I know. You have a good day," and shuffled off to the next aisle.

I try not to judge people like that. For one thing, I'm becoming that. Not in the religious sense, but I have been talking to myself a lot lately. Heck, I'm pretty sure I talked out loud the entire time I was shopping. Just things like, "Let's see, where do they keep the... nope, not this aisle..." and so on. It's not like I was having a full-on conversation with an invisible rabbit. But sooner or later, people are going to think I'm the crazy one.

I've already decided I'm going to become one of those old curmudgeons the neighbors gossip about. When I retire, there'll be a bunch of kids on bikes talking about That Crazy Old Guy's house, and how he never comes out of the house except around midnight to look for victims. Kids will dare each other to break into my house, and when one does, he'll discover that I'm just a lonely widower who never recovered from his lost love.

It'll be quite the heartwarming story, right up until I eat him.

Twitter Laugh

It always gives me a cheap thrill when a celebrity (whether major or minor) likes, retweets, or comments on something I posted.  Legendary comic book author Gail Simone is especially good at interacting with her fans.  

Today James Gunn tweeted about Michael Rooker playing a character called "Savant" in the new Suicide Squad movie.  

Gail Simone replied with, "I created this guy!"

I replied, "You created Savant, or you created Michael Rooker?  Either way, good job!"

Gail replied to my tweet with, "I created Savant, I feel Michael Rooker was created when a case of bourbon fucked a motorcycle."

James Gunn replied with, "How did you know?"

I'm really proud to have been part of that exchange.

Link.

When Real Life Taints Fiction

On October 10, 2010, a webcomic called d20 Monkey published this strip:

I apologize for not being able to find a high resolution version; they did a pretty good job of scrubbing it from the internet.  I wouldn't want to post a high-res version anyway, since it's not my work to redistribute.  I can't read all the words, but here's a transcription of what I can get:

Panel 1:"What's the big damn deal, (anyway)?  The (issue) is handled."
"You have no idea what you've done, do you?"
Panel 2:"Enlighten me, Frodo."
"You Bizarro'd us.  You demanded no 'Emo Church Girls' and now, through the law of Bizarro we will get just that.  Emo church chicks forever."
"What are you boys talking about?"
Panel 3:"Hey pops.  Count Chuckula here thinks the Bizzarro law is crap."
"It's true.  I once specified 'no trannies' (? ? ?) for new players.  Someone answered the ad and the following week...  I opened the door and Bam!  Tranny.  And I don't care what they say, a good looking tranny is still a tranny."
Panel 4:A good looking tranny is still a tranny.
A Public Service Announcement from d20Monkey.com

Basically, the punch line makes fun of trans people.  Now, you could argue that it’s just that one character who’s transphobic, and it doesn’t reflect the views of the writers, but I don’t buy it.  I think you would have to be transphobic to think of the so-called “joke” in the first place, or to find it funny.

When that comic was first posted in 2010, it had only been a few years since I realized I was trans.  I was brittle at the time, evangelical about LGBT issues, and ready to be offended by everything.  I also should mention that trans issues weren’t in the news back then the way they are now.  Trans people were acceptable targets, a group you could mock without as much fear of retribution.

I was also fairly new into D&D.  I learned about d20 Monkey from an RPG forum, and enjoyed the first few strips.  Then I came to that one.  I tried to laugh it off, but it just bugged me.  I posted a reply to the comic, complaining.  I checked back for a response or apology, but never saw one, and eventually they took the comic down.  But I could no longer enjoy the comic any more, and soon stopped reading it.  I didn’t think about d20 Monkey again for years, and honestly forgot they existed.

Until one of my favorite webcomics, Dork Tower, let d20 Monkey do guest strips for a week.  During Pride month, no less.  Now, I have no idea how involved d20 Monkey has been with trans issues in the years since I stopped reading.  For all I know, their comic now features a gay main character and they contribute thousands of dollars to trans charities.  All I can tell you is that seeing them temporarily take over a beloved webcomic was a bit like seeing the White House taken over by transphobic white supremacists.  A flood of emotions came over me.  Memories of the severe depression I fought through when I first realized I was trans.  Remembering when I first noticed just how much anti-trans “humor” permeated our society.

It's a fine line.  When actors or writers turn out to be bad people, it can taint their work to a such a degree that it’s completely unenjoyable.  Sometimes I have to remember that it takes hundreds of people to make a movie, and I shouldn’t let one actor bring it down for me.  But then, if the movie hinges on that actor’s performance, it’s hard to enjoy watching them.  Books and comic strips always hinge on the writer’s performance, so they’re right out.

For example, I still enjoy older Mel Gibson movies, even though they’re not quite as fun as they were before I disliked the actor.  Same goes for Johnny Depp.  I have no pull to see any new Mel Gibson or Johnny Depp movies, but I would still see a movie if they were in it but not the main star (Crimes of Grindelwald, for example, which sucked for entirely different reasons).  At least I know my money is being divided among hundreds of people.

However, I can’t enjoy Orson Scott Card’s books any more.  Books are too intimate a medium, like you’re walking through the author’s mind to explore their imagination.  If I don’t like an author as a person, it’s almost impossible for me to enjoy reading their work.  I’ve also stopped reading Dilbert, and I sold all the Dilbert books I had in my house.  I just haven’t found them funny since Scott Adams went off the deep end.

In the case of d20 Monkey, I only found it sporadically funny in the first place.  I enjoyed it because it was a D&D themed comic at a time when D&D comics weren’t quite as common as they are now, but I only really laughed at maybe one out of five comics.  So it’s not a big loss for me.  I have no idea how progressive the comic is now.  I have no idea if they ever posted a public apology anywhere, or just quietly removed the offending comic hoping nobody would remember it.  I don’t know if the author’s opinion of trans issues has changed in the past nine years.  They’re allowed to have mistakes in their past, as long as they learned from them.  I know I’ve got plenty of regrets of my own.  I don’t expect other people to stop reading the comic just because I personally found one of their older strips offensive, and I’m not pushing to get the comic taken off the internet.

But it did bother me enough to write a blog about it.

Transamerica

Warning - As with all my reviews, possible spoilers, read with caution.

Transamerica certainly treated transgenderism with more respect than most movies, but there's not a lot out there for comparison. The only other transgender-related movie I've seen recently was HBO's "Normal", which was decent but glossed over a some of the realities... for instance, there was no mention of the main character ever seeing a therapist.

Transamerica, on the other hand, did a lot more homework. The main character, Bree, was played rather convincingly by actress Felicity Huffman. So convincingly that I bet some viewers will wonder if the actress was actually male or female. (And as if to further confuse the audience, she has two full-frontal nude scenes in the movie - one pre-op and one post-op.)

It took me a long time to get used to her voice. It must have been challenging for Huffman - a woman playing someone born male trying to sound female. Makes me think of Victor Victoria. But her voice was so flat and monotone (think Daria), that she often came across as emotionless.

The plot in a nutshell: With just days to go before her gender reassignment surgery, Bree (short for Sabrina, formerly Stanley) discovers that she has a near-adult son. And he's in jail. And Bree's psychiatrist won't let her get the surgery until she resolves this loose end. So Bree flys to New York, bails him out of jail, and takes him on a cross-country drive. In accordance with standard movie rules, the boy starts out rebellious and disrespectful, until you find out about his traumatic past, and you gradually discover he's a sweet boy at heart.

Meanwhile, Bree, desperate to keep from complicating her life even further, avoids telling him that they're related, or even that she's biologically male. Of course the boy finds out about the transgendered part in a scene stolen from Mrs Doubtfire. Bree comes off as a bit of a jerk for much of the movie, but it is a movie about personal growth. Think Jerry McGuire, except Bree is transforming both emotionally and physically. The movie's final message - that the surgery won't solve all her problems - is one all transsexuals should take to heart.

The movie is a bit uneven, like it can't decide whether it's a comedy or a drama. But the humor is realistic and down-to-earth; not the over-the-top stuff you're probably used to seeing in movies involving this subject matter. Some of the scenes with Bree's family were comic gold, maybe a little too much so... it almost felt like they were trying to change the movie's tone halfway through.

Take away the transgender issues, and you've seen this movie before. Actually, you've probably seen several movies about parents reuniting with children they never knew existed, getting to know them, and trying to save them from their own self-destructive behavior. But there's a lot of other movie plots that have been way more overdone.

Overall, I thought it was an enjoyable afternoon. I don't know if I'll buy the DVD, but I am glad I saw it.