More Ups and Downs

My mood is changing constantly these days. Some mornings I wake up and dread going to my new job. Other times I feel full of self-confidence. Monday and Tuesday were nerve-wracking. Wednesday I really found my groove, and that good vibe continued through most of Thursday. But then the final customer on Thursday night was a colossal jerk, and blew my confidence. The first customer Friday morning was also an asshole.

But later in the day, a customer called my manager to compliment my customer service. So that was a nice boost right when I needed it. But it's not just customers affecting my mood. It's all sorts of little things, and sometimes nothing at all.

I've been watching a lot of reaction videos lately, because it's hard to commit to watching something I've never seen before. My attention span's just as unpredictable as my mood, and I'm afraid that I'll lose interest halfway through a new movie. Anyway, I was watching a YouTuber watch one of my favorite romantic comedies when I suddenly started bawling.

The movie had a "found family" theme, and it hit me hard that I don't have any family nearby. This isn't a new trigger; it's hit me a couple of times before. Not as often as "my wife is gone" and the "I have no friends up here" moods, but it's still in my top 5 triggers.

I love this house and I don't plan to leave it. I'm getting used to my job (though I haven't stopped browsing the job listings), I love this city, and I really don't see myself packing up and moving to Florida just to be closer to family.

After work on Thursday I went to see Fantastic Four. Even though it's hard to watch new movies, I'm finding it's easier if I go to the theater. The lack of other distractions keeps my mind from wandering as much. I enjoyed the movie, but I kept wishing KJ was there. F4 was her favorite super hero team. She loved the 2005 movie, and even liked the sequel. It almost felt like sacrilege to see it without her.

But in the dark theater, I could imagine she was there beside me. It was kind of nice.

It depresses me that she died before the movie came out. She was really looking forward to seeing it. I'd love to have heard her thoughts about it. My favorite part of going to the movies with her was the drive home afterwards, where we discussed what we liked and didn't like about the movie.

Without that, I'm not sure why I even bother seeing new movies. It almost feels like an obligation. Like, I know I'm going to see this eventually, might as well get it out of the way. I mean, I appreciate a good movie. I've seen three this month. But do they make me happy?

I don't know. I'm not sure what "happy" is right now. It feels more like temporary relief than happiness. I mean, if you have a sunburn, does lotion make you happy, or just less sad?

Years ago, when I was suffering through a bout of depression, I wrote a blog where I listed reasons to live. One my reasons was that new Star Wars movies were coming out. I won't go as far as to say Fantastic Four was KJ's Star Wars, but I know she would have wanted to see it before she died.

This morning at the grocery store, a man with a dazed expression stopped me to say, "Hey. Jesus loves you." I keep a lot of snarky comebacks in my head, but I know I'd never use one. This guy looked slightly crazy, but he thought he was doing a good thing, so why would I ever give him grief for that? I think I just replied, "Thanks." Then he went on to say, "He died for you," and I replied something along the lines of, "I know. You have a good day," and shuffled off to the next aisle.

I try not to judge people like that. For one thing, I'm becoming that. Not in the religious sense, but I have been talking to myself a lot lately. Heck, I'm pretty sure I talked out loud the entire time I was shopping. Just things like, "Let's see, where do they keep the... nope, not this aisle..." and so on. It's not like I was having a full-on conversation with an invisible rabbit. But sooner or later, people are going to think I'm the crazy one.

I've already decided I'm going to become one of those old curmudgeons the neighbors gossip about. When I retire, there'll be a bunch of kids on bikes talking about That Crazy Old Guy's house, and how he never comes out of the house except around midnight to look for victims. Kids will dare each other to break into my house, and when one does, he'll discover that I'm just a lonely widower who never recovered from his lost love.

It'll be quite the heartwarming story, right up until I eat him.

Learning Curve

Yesterday was the third month anniversary of my wife's death. I've come along way, healing-wise, but I'm still in a lot of pain. Still, I've got a new job, made some new friends, and life is going on.

I have a love/hate relationship with my job. I love the company. I love the benefits. I love the office. I love the location. I love my coworkers. I love my cubicle.

The job itself? Hmm. It's a lot of phone customer service, and I'm okay with that. The problem is, there's a lot to learn. I tend to learn through repetition, but no two calls are ever the same. Each time someone calls, I have to pull up a different piece of software and go through a different set of steps.

Last week I sat with my trainer and watched him work. This week he sat with me and watched me work. Starting Monday I'll be sitting by myself.

This past week, I had to put customers on hold a lot while I asked my trainer questions. The problem is, half the calls I get are unique. So if a situation didn't come up in the past two weeks, I'll have no idea what to do when I get that kind of call next week. Of course there will be people to ask, but I don't like putting customers on hold for long periods of time while I track down the answer.

So far, while I'm sitting there at my desk, the job doesn't seem so bad. The calls are infrequent - sometimes I go more than fifteen minutes without my phone ringing. Most of the customers have been pleasant so far.

But my stress levels are through the roof at all other times. I have trouble sleeping at night. When I get up in the morning, I feel like I'm going to throw up. My left eyelid's been twitching, and I get frequent heartburn. Every morning I think about calling them and saying, "Sorry, this job isn't for me." Every lunch break I consider driving home and not coming back.

It will get better as I learn more about my job. Every call brings new knowledge, and eventually I won't be nervous at all. I just have to stick it out.

But I'm also having problems learning new things. Maybe it's because I'm in my 50s, or maybe it's because I'm still in mourning, but it's taking a lot longer for new knowledge to sink in. I used to pick things up so quickly, but now it's like my brain is granite, and I'm trying to carve new information in with a chisel made of Nerf.

Twice this week I've been on a phone with a customer, when they said something that somehow brought me back to the 911 call three months ago. When it happened, I completely blanked out and forgot what the customer needed. There've been a few other triggers as well. I don't know if that'll ever go away.

And I'm disgusted with myself, and my first-world problems. I'm so lucky to have found such a perfect job, and I'm complaining because I'm not good at it yet. Everyone there keeps telling me I'm doing fine, and that everybody takes a long time to learn this job. They even have a chat channel where employees who've been there for years still ask for advice on how to help their customers.

But I hate sucking at things. I want a job that I'm instantly good at. I hate asking for help. I find it embarrassing.

I keep telling myself to just give it time. And I will. I promise I won't just quit on a whim. But will I ever feel knowledgeable enough to be comfortable there?

We'll just have to see how it goes.