This is an excerpt from the excellent book, She's Not There: A Life In Two Genders by Jennifer Finney Boylan.
I often woke up and lay there in the dark. Usually this was about a quarter to four. I'm the wrong person, I thought. I'm living the wrong life, in the wrong body.
To which I would respond:You're a maniac. An idiot.You have a life a lot of other people dream about, a life so full of blessings that your heart hurts.
To which I would respond: I know. Still.
To which I would respond: Well, what do you think you're going to do about this now? Have a sex change, at age forty? Abandon all the love that has made your life whole, so that you can enter into a new life, about which you know nothing? What kind of woman do you think you'd be now, having never had a girlhood? What kind of person do you think you'd be, leaving your children without a father, your wife without a husband?
To which I would respond: I know. Still.
To which I would respond:Well, you go on and have a sex change, then. Just leave me out of it. I'll just say my prayers so I can appreciate the things I have and not launch off like an imbecile into a life of lurid marginality.
To which I would respond:You know, don't you, that no amount of wishing that this were not the case can make it not the case. No amount of praying that you are not transgender will make you some-thing other than what you are. No amount of love from anyone will make you fit inside a body that does not match your spirit.
To which I would respond: Well, I'll be goddamned if I'm going to break anybody's heart. I'll be goddamned if I'm going to let my family down. I'll be goddamned if I'm going to give up everything I've always wanted just so I can fit.
To which I would respond: I know. Still.
To which I would respond: Well, all right, then. You'll be god-damned.
I read this book more than 10 years ago, and it's still one of my favorite books about transgender issues. The passage above really resonates with me. It sums up just about every feeling I have about my gender identity.
There are times when, from a logical standpoint, I don't even believe in the concept of gender. It's just a made up social construct. Would I still feel transgender if we lived in some sci-fi future where there were no gender roles? Would I still want to live as a woman if I lived in a country where women are treated like slaves? Can't I just live my life as gender neutrally as possible, and let people assume I'm a normal guy?
I know. Still.
In the grand scheme of things, it just seems like such a First World Problem. There are people out there fighting for survival every day, and here I am whining because I don't look cute in a dress. Even in my own life, I've got bigger problems. I have debts, the house needs repairs, and so on.
I know. Still.
Life is short. What's the point of changing my life now, when I've missed all the years I'd want to enjoy most? What do I really get from it? Why risk all my current friendships? Why alienate myself from my family? Why risk my job? Why make my current life harder? Why not just focus on my hobbies, and let my identity go on the back burner?
I know. Still.
I make all these arguments, but I always come back to the same thing. The logical reasons don't fix anything. I still feel like I'm pretending my way through life, unable to show my true self. Every night I picture myself in various lives. This is how I fall asleep: imagining myself as a woman, in different scenarios. Sometimes I'm a redhead who lives in Seattle. Sometimes I'm a brunette who lives in Wales. I'll picture potential jobs, entire house layouts, what sort of friends I have, and so on.
Some of these fantasies are mundane, with me working a 9-to-5 job and barely making ends meet. Sometimes I'm unbelievably rich. Sometimes I have super powers. If you're going to fantasize anyway, might as well go big, right? But in all the scenarios, I'm female. I simply can not fantasize about a life where I'm male. There is no "dream life" where I'm a rich, good looking man.
I've given up getting cispeople to understand it. I really don't think it's possible. The best I can hope for is for them to realize that it's important to me.
I've probably said this before, but this is the best way I know how to explain it: When you see a movie, and there's a character you think is really cool, to the point where you fantasize about being them. It's usually someone of your own sex, right? How many cis-men do you think saw Tomb Raider and though, "Gee, I wish I was Lara Croft?" No, but you can bet a lot of them had Indiana Jones fantasies. Me, I identify with the cool female characters.
Or when you look in the mirror, and decide that your body isn't perfect, and want to shed a few pounds or gain a bit of muscle. You have an idealized image of yourself in your head, whether it's something possible (like losing weight) or something a lot less likely (like being six inches taller). Mine is female. Ideally, a cute thin redhead. Some guys might envy Vin Diesel, and not just because they think it would get them laid more. They just really like the look. Me, I envy Felicia Day.
But I am not going to transition. Not only is it just about impossible in so many ways - economically, socially, logistically - but even if I was rich and alone, I'm not convinced it would be fulfilling. I have no way of knowing if I would ever feel 100% a woman, or if I would forever feel like some sort of imposter.
I have to accept that this is what life is. It's not fair, but I have it better than a lot of people. Some people wish they had legs. Or a roof over their heads. Or their children's lives back. And I'm sitting here wishing I looked cute in a dress. It's time to stop pining over what I'm not, and work on improving the life that I have.
It's the only logical answer.
I know. Still.
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