Wasting My Life

I've been bouncing around the internet lately, joining various transgender message boards and chat rooms.  But I still feel alone.  The internet is full of young trans people who already look like supermodels despite only being a few months into transitioning.  There's so much information out there now.  People are realizing that they're transgender at younger ages.

It is amazing to me that I could even consider envying a transperson.  If I'm going to be jealous of anyone, it's cis women.  But everyone looks up to someone, and everyone seems to have their life a lot more together than I do.

The world is passing me by.  Transgender issues are getting so much visibility now.  When I was a kid, I always knew I identified more with female characters, but I never really knew what to do with that, and stuffed it away in the back of my head.  I knew there were people who got "sex changes", but I always thought it had something to do with gay culture and never really looked into it.

About 12 years ago I started really noticing patterns to my life - for instance I couldn't play online games without assuming a female persona.  I just couldn't, and I didn't understand why.  I searched for an answer, and learned a new word - "Transgender".  For a while I had to explain to so many people what the word meant... and then, suddenly, it was everywhere.  Bathroom bills, Caitlyn Jenner, etc... now everyone knows what it means.

But no sooner had I discovered the term, than it started quickly evolving.  To me, gender meant "male or female".  Therefore, there couldn't be more than 4 genders total - Male, Female, Bigender (for those who feel like both, or who go back and forth), and Agender (for people who never feel a strong connection to any gender).

And yet, people keep saying there's more than that.  One week I hear there's 32 genders.  Later I hear there's 63.  Most recently I heard the number was 122.  Seriously, google "List of Genders".  You probably won't find two sites that agree, and you'll find as many humor sites as you do serious ones.

I don't know about any of that.  I've looked into the descriptions of some of these extra genders, and most of them seem like they would fall under the umbrella of bigender.  But you know what?  That's fine.  I'm not going to criticize someone just because they want to use a different word to describe their gender.  I am not going to dismiss their ideas about gender identity.  There's too many bigots out there objecting to things they don't understand.  I don't understand all these genders, but I support those who do.

But these non-binary definitions do not define me.  I have a male body.  I have a female brain.  I am not gender fluid, I feel 100% female and I am stuck in a male life.  My life is binary, my life is mismatched, and it SUCKS.

But I'm not going to transition.  I simply can't.  It's not a matter of lacking self-confidence, it's a practical matter.  I am already deep in debt and living paycheck to paycheck, and married to a woman I can't bear to lose.  If I came out at work, I would definitely lose my job, declare bankruptcy, and become homeless.

So I'm wasting my life.   I have no clear goals.  I think "shit or get off the pot", and yet I'm locking myself in the closet forever, singing "When will my life begin" from Tangled. I can't even talk to my wife without starting an argument.  It's my fault.  I'm brittle right now.  My ego is fragile, and my self-worth is at zero.  For a while I was able to stay sane by playing D&D and online games, but it's not enough. 

Sometimes I think it's inevitable: Transition or suicide.  And I know transition will never happen.  Neither will suicide (I promise).  But... neither will anything else, either.  I won't ever work my way out of debt, or go back to school or get a better job.  My dysphoria keeps me from having ambition.  I'm just not interested in being a better person if that better person is still male.

It's like, to lose weight, you have to have a clear picture of what you want to look like.  I don't bother losing weight because I know that if I lose 50 pounds I'll just be a more attractive man.  Which is not a goal that inspires me.  Same with my career.  I could go back to school, become, a computer programmer (for example), and after years of hard work I'd be... a male computer programmer.  Bah.

Of course, I try to tell myself:  Lose weight anyway, it will make it easier if you start dressing as a woman again!  Go back to school, it will give you more money to start thinking about transitioning!  Doesn't work, because I'm positive I'm not going to transition, or even wear dresses any more.  So... I don't have the motivation to improve my life, because I know I'll never improve it the way I want to.

So I'm stuck here.  Waiting for something good to happen to me, rather than making it happen.  Which makes me hate myself even more.

Dammit.