Social Anxiety Ups and Downs

I’m so disappointed in myself. 

Over the weekend I went to Pride.  I got to march in the parade, which was cool, definitely a first for me.  It was euphoric.  I cannot begin to describe the feeling of walking through the streets while people cheer you on.  For a few minutes I actually didn’t hate myself. 

Before the parade, they had to evacuate the area for impending bad weather.  I had to hide in a post office until the weather was nice enough to continue.  It only delayed the parade by about 45 minutes, so that was a nice bit of excitement.

I’ve been wanting to put together a new D&D group.  Specifically, I’ve been trying to connect with other LGBT gamers.  I want a group where we all have similar interests, where I if I wanted I could show up in a dress without ridicule.  I probably wouldn't, but I'd like the option to be there.

I’m also only free on Saturdays, and only interested in D&D 5th Edition.  Yes, I know, it’s a lot to ask.  It’s hard enough to get a regular group together, much less one so specific.  But D&D is getting a huge influx of new players right now, mostly because of Stranger Things, so it’s the perfect time to meet more gaymers.

A few weeks before the event, I used a free business card service to print up a bunch of “Looking for a group” cards.  My plan was to pass them out at the event.  My rainbow d20 shirt (and matching necklace) was to be the conversation starter.  People would see it and think, “Cool, another D&D player, I wonder if they have a group I could join.”  They’d say hi, we’d talk a bit, and I’d give them the card with my e-mail address on it. 

Well, the shirt was a hit.  At least twenty people complimented my shirt at the event.  I told every one of them “Thank you,” but that was the most my social anxiety could handle.  I did not give out a single card. 

Now, to be fair, sometimes it would have been awkward to do so.  Sometimes the person giving me a compliment was going in the opposite direction, and to stop and talk would have held up foot traffic in both directions.  And sometimes the other person was just so much younger than me, it would have felt icky.  “Would your parents be okay if I came over and played dice games with you in your basement?”

But those are just excuses.  I still had plenty of encounters where I could have drawn out the conversation, but I dropped the ball.  I just did my usual at the festival – walked around the entire event several times, took a handful of pictures, sat down a lot and watched people.  I didn’t even go around collecting buttons and free samples like I usually do, because I didn’t feel like standing in lines.  It was too hot to stay the whole time, and while I did stay longer than usual, I still left earlier than I originally intended to.

So now I’m depressed.  All that euphoria I got from being in the parade?  It’s gone now.  I keep kicking myself for wasting my money on two Lyft rides when I didn’t stay very long or pass out any cards.  I won’t get another chance to be around so many LGBT people until next year, and who knows if people will still be interested in D&D by then.  Plus, next year’s festival probably won’t be as big, since this year was the 50^th anniversary of Stonewall.

I want to be proud of myself for marching.  It was something that scared me, and I did it anyway.  Heck, even using Lyft for the first time scared me.  Getting in a car alone with a stranger?  In the South, while wearing a rainbow shirt, headed for a Pride festival?  But it was important to me, so I overcame my fear long enough to do it.  Now I just wish I could enjoy the memory.  At this point I barely remember the festival, I mostly just remember the sunburn.

Maybe someday I’ll learn how to be happy.