Bang Bang Bang

I don't like guns. I'm not a "guns should be banned" kind of person (though I do think some laws need to be changed or at least enforced), but guns aren't for me. 

I think a lot of people have a power fantasy. Guns give you the ultimate power over life and death. You can use them to save lives or to end them. I don't want power. I don't want that kind of responsibility. I don't want the ability to decide who lives or dies. I just don't want to be that important.

But I do see the logic of owning a gun for emergencies. I don't have one yet, but I might get one soon. So when my work offered a free gun course, I signed up.

Yesterday I fired a gun for the first time in my life. We spent a full day of learning first, watching powerpoint presentations and videos, practicing with fake ammo, and taking a written test. After about 7 hours in the classroom, we went to the firing range.

I was so nervous. I hated holding such a powerful device in my hand. I'm such a clumsy person. With the way the room was set up, the chances of me accidentally shooting a classmate were pretty slim, which made me feel a little better. But I'm such a butterfingers, anything is possible.

Plus I've had a really bad year. I was never actively suicidal, but intrusive thoughts do happen. If I'd owned a gun during the past year, I might not be here now. I wasn't looking for ways to hurt myself, but at my lowest points, I could have seen it as an easy way out.

Things are better now. I've healed a lot. But it still feels "weird" holding a device in my hand that could end all my grief. A split second decision is all it would take. Don't worry, I would never actually do that. And once I was on the range, I was more concerned with keeping all my fingers and thumbs in the right place to entertain those thoughts.

Anyway, I did pretty well. I had the most accurate score in my class, though there only three of us. Beginner's luck? Maybe it was a childhood of playing video games. Or maybe it was just the toy guns I had as a kid - they were more realistic back in those days, and I remember I used to practice lining up the front and back sights.

 

My Target

I wish everyone had to take a class like this to get a gun. There are too many irresponsible gun owners out there, and they make all gun owners look bad. I'm not going to get preachy about it today, but overall there are a lot of things that need to change.

Bottom line? I can see the appeal, but I'm still not a gun person. If I get one, it will be kept in a safe, only removed if I hear someone breaking into my house. But I don't plan to take it to the range for fun. It's just not my cup of tea.

Cruel But Wonderful Dreams

It's been a year and four months since my wife passed away. In the past couple of months, I've been having more and more dreams about her. These dreams are way more vivid than my usual dreams. When I talk to her in my dreams, she feels way more real than other people I dream about. The average characters in my dreams are practically cartoon characters compared to when I dream about KJ.

I had a wonderful dream last night. KJ showed up at my door. I asked her how she could be there, and she said, "Tell ya later, let's go out." It was a very long dream. I don't remember what all we did, but we talked a lot and went to some of our favorite places.

The main thing is, it just felt so real. Every word she said sounded like something she'd say, not something my mind would have written for her. I don't believe in the supernatural, but it's hard not to imagine she was trying to contact me from the other side.

I do a lot of lucid dreaming, or at least semi-lucid. Near the end of the dream, I realized I was starting to wake up. I told her I had to go away for a minute, and asked her to please be here when I got back. She promised she would stay, then I woke up to a world without her.

I felt shaky all morning. It was a beautiful dream, but the aftermath was devastating. I nearly cried at work several times. It was a hectic day at work, which actually helped a little, because it gave me something else to concentrate on.

But seriously, brain, why do you have to be so cruel?

One Year Later

Today is the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. During the past year I've held four jobs, none of which I've kept. I've spent most of the year hiding from the world, wallowing in self pity, unable to find happiness. I haven't written any books, nor have I kept up with any of my other hobbies.

But tomorrow starts a new year, at least from my perspective. I'm going to make the most of it. I have some job interviews next week, and once that part of my life is back on track, I believe everything else will fall into place.

Wish me luck.