Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Ain't No Party Like A Pity Party

When I first came out as transgender, about 10 years ago, I coped with it several ways.  I went to two psychiatrists, two psychologists, and a support group.  The psychiatrists prescribed me drugs for social anxiety.  This first pills I tried worked great, but had terrible side effects.  The next pills I tried did absolutely nothing, except more side effects.

The psychologists gave me someone to open up to, but never really gave me much advice.  It was helpful to get things off my chest, but for those prices I might have been better off telling my problems to my cats.  I finally stopped seeing the professionals when my insurance changed its pricing, making my copay too expensive to continue.  I guess the insurance companies think mental health is a luxury.

I only went to a few sessions of the support group.  They were good people, but the environment was just too depressing.  You put that many depressed people in the room, and the depression takes form, hanging in the air like a cloud.  I'm usually not very empathic, but just entering the room felt like walking through a mood-lowering fog.

But more importantly, there weren't any geeks there.  The other transwomen I spoke to only seemed to care about hobbies that are traditionally held by women.  That was so odd to me.  Geekdom is gender neutral these days (even if there are a lot of sexist geeks), but the local trans community only seemed to draw people who cared about clothes and knitting and such.  So while I could open up to people about my problems, I never found anyone with whom I could really connect.

Eventually I started playing D&D, and that became my therapy.  Playing a female for a few hours each week took place of dressing en femme, and while it wasn't much, it kept me from suicide.  But lately it just hasn't been enough.  Last night I couldn't sleep because I just kept thinking about... well, trans things.  I can picture myself as a woman walking around inside my skull, banging on the walls wanting to escape.  Wailing to be heard.  Collapsing in a heap, defeated.

My insurance has changed two or three times in the past 10 years; maybe it's time to look into whether psychology is once again viable.  But I don't know, it just didn't do much for me last time.  I could try the support group again, maybe there's geeks there now.   But sometimes dressing up just depresses me more...  I never found a look I found acceptable, and when I look in the mirror I just see a guy in drag.  All that does is makes me realize I'll never be where I want to be.

I think it would help if I had a friend to talk to, but none of my friends understand trans issues.  When I bring up these things in conversation, I can feel them getting uncomfortable.  Maybe I'm imagining that part, but I can tell you for sure that they don't understand what I'm going through.  The concept is alien to them.  But when I talk to other trans people, I just don't connect to them the way I do with my geeky friends.

I need to meet more trans geeks.  I need at least one really geeky transperson as a friend.  Hopefully one who shares my specific geek interests - Star Trek, Star Wars, Dungeons and Dragons, DC comics, Nintendo, etc.

The part the bugs me most is that even if I found the perfect friend to confide in, I don't have the slightest idea what I want to say.

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