R-E-S-P-E-C-T

One of my online friends, who I will refer to as “KC” here, recently came out as non-binary.  They have changed their first name, and have requested they be referred to by the pronouns they/them.  While I fully support their identity, I have to admit that in practice, I find it a little difficult.  In my head I have to stop myself from using their old name and pronouns.  Whenever I send them a message, I make sure to proofread it several times in case I missed something somewhere.  Even while writing this blog I initially typed “her” instead of “their” a couple of times.

So for those of you who think it’s too much trouble respecting people’s pronouns, I just want you to know that I recognize your discomfort.  It's difficult for me too, and I’m a transgender liberal SJW.  But difficulty is no excuse.  If you’re a good person, you will do it anyway.

What it comes down to is this:

I might have trouble remembering pronouns, but it really is just a minor inconvenience to me.  To KC, it’s everything.  This is not a whim, this is their identity.  You can never fully understand how important this is to them.  Their need for this recognition greatly outweighs the tiny nuisance of having to learn new pronouns.  You don’t have to understand it, but you do need to respect it.  Part of being an adult is respecting things you don’t understand. 

When I was growing up, I was the only kid I knew who didn’t call their father “Sir”.  I still don’t get why some men want to be called that.  As a medieval fantasy enthusiast, “Sir” makes me think of knights in shining armor.  It’s the kind of title one should earn.  Calling an average Joe Blow “Sir” is a bit like calling me “General”.  And looking at my friends’ dads, the ones who demanded to be called “Sir” most were the ones who deserved it least.  Seriously, by today’s standards, most of them were child abusers.  You can tell a lot about people by how much unearned respect they demand. 

And maybe that’s why, to me, “Sir” has always seemed a little disrespectful.  Because all the good people in the world were “Tom” and “Steve” and “Mr. Johnson”, while all the strict, child-beating monsters demanded to be called “Sir”.  To me, it’s a distancing word, one that keeps people at arm’s length.  It’s a cold, dispassionate title, the verbal equivalent of “To Whom It May Concern”.  Calling someone “Sir” is like saying, “I don’t like you enough to ever see you as a friend, or I would just use your real name.”  Or to put it in military terms, “I recognize you as a superior officer, and I will respect the chain of command, but I can never be at ease around you.”  It’s hard for me to truly respect anyone that I couldn’t call a friend.  But that’s just me.

Despite my misgivings, I still call people “Sir”, especially if I don’t know them.  I might be egotistical, but not so much that I expect the world to cater to my opinions.  Society thinks “Sir” is a respectful term, and the proper social convention is to call people what they want to be called.  I might feel like I’m insulting someone by calling them “Sir”, but they perceive it as a compliment, and that’s what matters.  Regardless of my feelings on the word, in the long run, calling them “Sir” is respectful.

Just like it’s respectful to call someone by their new name and their preferred pronouns, regardless of your beliefs on non-traditional genders.  This world changes fast, and it can be hard to keep up.  But that’s no reason to be a wimp about it.  You can do this.  Listen.  Respect.  Learn.  I think you’ll find that it’s really not that difficult.