Bang Bang Bang

I don't like guns. I'm not a "guns should be banned" kind of person (though I do think some laws need to be changed or at least enforced), but guns aren't for me. 

I think a lot of people have a power fantasy. Guns give you the ultimate power over life and death. You can use them to save lives or to end them. I don't want power. I don't want that kind of responsibility. I don't want the ability to decide who lives or dies. I just don't want to be that important.

But I do see the logic of owning a gun for emergencies. I don't have one yet, but I might get one soon. So when my work offered a free gun course, I signed up.

Yesterday I fired a gun for the first time in my life. We spent a full day of learning first, watching powerpoint presentations and videos, practicing with fake ammo, and taking a written test. After about 7 hours in the classroom, we went to the firing range.

I was so nervous. I hated holding such a powerful device in my hand. I'm such a clumsy person. With the way the room was set up, the chances of me accidentally shooting a classmate were pretty slim, which made me feel a little better. But I'm such a butterfingers, anything is possible.

Plus I've had a really bad year. I was never actively suicidal, but intrusive thoughts do happen. If I'd owned a gun during the past year, I might not be here now. I wasn't looking for ways to hurt myself, but at my lowest points, I could have seen it as an easy way out.

Things are better now. I've healed a lot. But it still feels "weird" holding a device in my hand that could end all my grief. A split second decision is all it would take. Don't worry, I would never actually do that. And once I was on the range, I was more concerned with keeping all my fingers and thumbs in the right place to entertain those thoughts.

Anyway, I did pretty well. I had the most accurate score in my class, though there only three of us. Beginner's luck? Maybe it was a childhood of playing video games. Or maybe it was just the toy guns I had as a kid - they were more realistic back in those days, and I remember I used to practice lining up the front and back sights.

 

My Target

I wish everyone had to take a class like this to get a gun. There are too many irresponsible gun owners out there, and they make all gun owners look bad. I'm not going to get preachy about it today, but overall there are a lot of things that need to change.

Bottom line? I can see the appeal, but I'm still not a gun person. If I get one, it will be kept in a safe, only removed if I hear someone breaking into my house. But I don't plan to take it to the range for fun. It's just not my cup of tea.