My wife has started a YouTube series called "Dinner with Dorks". In each episode, she and I make dinner, play a video game, and watch a movie, usually sticking to a specific theme.
You can find the playlist here.
Sunday, August 11, 2019
Saturday, August 10, 2019
I Just Got It!
From "Star Trek Generations":
Anyway, I just got a joke a friend made 27 years ago. I drew a lot of sci-fi comic books in high school. In one issue, several of the characters go to an intergalactic carnival. One of the rides was called "Bump -N- Hover". When my friend Bryan got to that page, he started singing "Bump... and Hover" over and over in a sing-song voice. Honestly I just thought he was making up a tune as he went along, and I laughed.
Today I was browsing YouTube and came across an old "Duck and Cover" PSA. I immediately recognized the tune as the one Bryan had been singing.
The whole thing reminds me of an old comedian who compared his jokes to grenades. You pull the pin, toss it to your audience, and wait for them to get it. Sometimes they take longer to detonate. In this case, decades.
Data: (laughing) I get it! I get it! When you said "The clown can stay, but the Ferengi in the gorilla suit has to go!"
Geordi: Data, what are you talking about?
Data: During the Farpoint mission; we were on the bridge, you told a joke, that was the punchline!
Geordi: The Farpoint mission? Data, that was seven years ago.
Data: I know! I just got it! Very funny!
Today I was browsing YouTube and came across an old "Duck and Cover" PSA. I immediately recognized the tune as the one Bryan had been singing.
The whole thing reminds me of an old comedian who compared his jokes to grenades. You pull the pin, toss it to your audience, and wait for them to get it. Sometimes they take longer to detonate. In this case, decades.
Thursday, August 1, 2019
This Didn’t Happen Either
One time, back in the 80s, a friend and I decided to go to a costume party. We agreed not to tell each other what costumes we were going to wear, so it would be a surprise when we met there. We arrived separately, and I looked around until I finally spotted my friend. Imagine our delight when we discovered that we’d both worn the same costume: a California Raisin.
I guess grape mimes think alike.
Saturday, July 20, 2019
Fast Food Woes
I never wanted to be one of those “kids these days” old fogies. You know, the ones who fail to realize that it’s not the kids who have changed, but our perception of them as we reach certain ages. But here we are.
I have always stood up for fast food workers. The world is full of people who’ve worked nothing but cushy office jobs, who often look down on fast food workers as if it’s the easiest job in the universe. But let me tell you, there are a lot of dangerous or back breaking jobs I would take before I went into fast food again. Fast food work is tiring, sweaty, and thankless. Honestly I would rather work my current job at fast food pay, than work in fast food again at my current pay rate.
That said, what is going on with service lately? It’s probably just coincidence, but this has just been a very bad week for me, service-wise.
On Tuesday, I picked up Taco Bell after work, and found that the lobby was closed. No biggie, except that it was the second time this month that the lobby has closed early. The first time, one of the employees told me it was because they were understaffed. If that location keeps having staffing issues, that’s probably a management problem. I’ll admit that when I worked fast food, I occasionally closed early. But I’m talking five or ten minutes early, and only if it looked like the world was dead outside. The owner even encouraged it. But lately I’ve been encountering more and more restaurants that close the lobby hours earlier than their posted hours, only taking drive-thru orders.
On Wednesday, we ordered DoorDash. The first order never arrived. We saw a car start to pull up to our house, then drove off. A few minutes later we saw what we think was the same car off in the distance, stopping at a different house. This is when the driver marked it “delivered”. We believe they gave the food to the wrong house, and whoever lives there just took it without saying anything. We contacted DoorDash, who refunded our money right away, plus $10. We immediately used the money to order from somewhere else. This time the driver did fine, but whoever made my wife’s calzone misread “green olives” as “green peppers”, rendering it inedible to her. She just couldn’t catch a break on dinner that night. We’ve been using DoorDash, UberEats, and GrubHub for about six months now, and I have to tell you, something goes wrong at least 50% of the time.
On Thursday, I picked up Burger King on the way home. The lobby was closed, much earlier than the posted hours. So I went through the drive-thru. The employees weren’t exactly rude, but they were very stoic. No smile, no “thank you” or “have a nice evening”, they just used the minimum words required to get the order taken care of. I saw they had at least five employees working, so I’m surprised they felt they had to close the lobby. Maybe some fast food restaurants are starting to do that so they don’t get robbed. If so, they need to update their signs. Anyway, they also got our order wrong, by putting onions on my poor wife’s burger. I know they heard me because the receipt had it listed correctly. It’s enough to make me go on a Joe Pesci-style rant.
I filled out the surveys for both Taco Bell and Burger King. If the managers don’t know their employees are closing the lobby early, they need to be told. As much as I want to side with the employees, that’s a serious thing. If you’re turning customers away, that’s not much different than stealing from the company.
As a customer, I avoid doing things that bugged me when I was an employee. I never go into a fast food restaurant that closes in less than ten minutes. It’s not about what time you walk through the door, it’s about what time you leave. If you know it usually takes five minutes for them to make your order, and you walk in four minutes before they close, then as far as I’m concerned, that’s premeditated trespassing. You know your actions are going to keep you in there after their posted closing hours, and that makes you a criminal in my eyes. When I was working at a Subway that stayed open until midnight, I once had a guy walk in at 11:59 and say, “Whew, just made it.” No, no you didn’t. “Just made it” would be coming in at a time that had you walking back out the door at 11:59. You, sir, are a dirty, low-life reprobate. Of course, I didn't actually say that.
I know from experience that managers have unrealistic expectations on how long it takes to close a restaurant. They’ll give you a list of closing duties that have to be done before you leave, a list that honestly should take about an hour, but they’ll tell you to be out of there fifteen minutes after closing. The only way to keep your job is to start some of these duties in the last hour before closing. A last-minute customer’s order may only take five minutes, but they can cause you to stay an extra twenty minutes. Because now you have to re-mop the places they walked, you have to re-clean the drink machine they messily used, and redo all kinds of other little things that wouldn’t occur to people who’ve never worked in fast food. The managers don’t care that the final customer brought in more money than the extra twenty minutes they now have to pay you. They never make that kind of connection. If you weren’t out in fifteen minutes, it must be because you’re lazy.
But that’s just one example of how I try to be understanding to fast food workers. My point is, the employees I’ve encountered lately aren’t like I was. Yes I was lazy, and apathetic, and I took shortcuts wherever I could. But my customers never would have known. I did everything with a smile, a please, and a thank you. I had many a customer piss me off, but I doubt any of them ever knew it. To their faces, I went the extra mile. Behind their backs, I cursed them to fates worse than the lowest levels of Hell. But the point is, I made sure they got the same fast food experience that I would want to receive myself.
And that’s all I’m asking. If they want to make fun of me after I leave, that’s fine. If they want to gripe about that customer who had the audacity to order a burger without onions, I have no problem being the bad guy. But at least keep your lobby open the posted hours. And keep the onions off my wife’s burger. With all the food allergies people have these days, an extra ingredient is practically attempted murder.
I’m not asking fast food workers to be perfect. All I’m asking is that they work at least as hard as I did back when I was a lousy employee. That can’t be so hard, can it?
I have always stood up for fast food workers. The world is full of people who’ve worked nothing but cushy office jobs, who often look down on fast food workers as if it’s the easiest job in the universe. But let me tell you, there are a lot of dangerous or back breaking jobs I would take before I went into fast food again. Fast food work is tiring, sweaty, and thankless. Honestly I would rather work my current job at fast food pay, than work in fast food again at my current pay rate.
That said, what is going on with service lately? It’s probably just coincidence, but this has just been a very bad week for me, service-wise.
On Tuesday, I picked up Taco Bell after work, and found that the lobby was closed. No biggie, except that it was the second time this month that the lobby has closed early. The first time, one of the employees told me it was because they were understaffed. If that location keeps having staffing issues, that’s probably a management problem. I’ll admit that when I worked fast food, I occasionally closed early. But I’m talking five or ten minutes early, and only if it looked like the world was dead outside. The owner even encouraged it. But lately I’ve been encountering more and more restaurants that close the lobby hours earlier than their posted hours, only taking drive-thru orders.
On Wednesday, we ordered DoorDash. The first order never arrived. We saw a car start to pull up to our house, then drove off. A few minutes later we saw what we think was the same car off in the distance, stopping at a different house. This is when the driver marked it “delivered”. We believe they gave the food to the wrong house, and whoever lives there just took it without saying anything. We contacted DoorDash, who refunded our money right away, plus $10. We immediately used the money to order from somewhere else. This time the driver did fine, but whoever made my wife’s calzone misread “green olives” as “green peppers”, rendering it inedible to her. She just couldn’t catch a break on dinner that night. We’ve been using DoorDash, UberEats, and GrubHub for about six months now, and I have to tell you, something goes wrong at least 50% of the time.
On Thursday, I picked up Burger King on the way home. The lobby was closed, much earlier than the posted hours. So I went through the drive-thru. The employees weren’t exactly rude, but they were very stoic. No smile, no “thank you” or “have a nice evening”, they just used the minimum words required to get the order taken care of. I saw they had at least five employees working, so I’m surprised they felt they had to close the lobby. Maybe some fast food restaurants are starting to do that so they don’t get robbed. If so, they need to update their signs. Anyway, they also got our order wrong, by putting onions on my poor wife’s burger. I know they heard me because the receipt had it listed correctly. It’s enough to make me go on a Joe Pesci-style rant.
I filled out the surveys for both Taco Bell and Burger King. If the managers don’t know their employees are closing the lobby early, they need to be told. As much as I want to side with the employees, that’s a serious thing. If you’re turning customers away, that’s not much different than stealing from the company.
As a customer, I avoid doing things that bugged me when I was an employee. I never go into a fast food restaurant that closes in less than ten minutes. It’s not about what time you walk through the door, it’s about what time you leave. If you know it usually takes five minutes for them to make your order, and you walk in four minutes before they close, then as far as I’m concerned, that’s premeditated trespassing. You know your actions are going to keep you in there after their posted closing hours, and that makes you a criminal in my eyes. When I was working at a Subway that stayed open until midnight, I once had a guy walk in at 11:59 and say, “Whew, just made it.” No, no you didn’t. “Just made it” would be coming in at a time that had you walking back out the door at 11:59. You, sir, are a dirty, low-life reprobate. Of course, I didn't actually say that.
I know from experience that managers have unrealistic expectations on how long it takes to close a restaurant. They’ll give you a list of closing duties that have to be done before you leave, a list that honestly should take about an hour, but they’ll tell you to be out of there fifteen minutes after closing. The only way to keep your job is to start some of these duties in the last hour before closing. A last-minute customer’s order may only take five minutes, but they can cause you to stay an extra twenty minutes. Because now you have to re-mop the places they walked, you have to re-clean the drink machine they messily used, and redo all kinds of other little things that wouldn’t occur to people who’ve never worked in fast food. The managers don’t care that the final customer brought in more money than the extra twenty minutes they now have to pay you. They never make that kind of connection. If you weren’t out in fifteen minutes, it must be because you’re lazy.
But that’s just one example of how I try to be understanding to fast food workers. My point is, the employees I’ve encountered lately aren’t like I was. Yes I was lazy, and apathetic, and I took shortcuts wherever I could. But my customers never would have known. I did everything with a smile, a please, and a thank you. I had many a customer piss me off, but I doubt any of them ever knew it. To their faces, I went the extra mile. Behind their backs, I cursed them to fates worse than the lowest levels of Hell. But the point is, I made sure they got the same fast food experience that I would want to receive myself.
And that’s all I’m asking. If they want to make fun of me after I leave, that’s fine. If they want to gripe about that customer who had the audacity to order a burger without onions, I have no problem being the bad guy. But at least keep your lobby open the posted hours. And keep the onions off my wife’s burger. With all the food allergies people have these days, an extra ingredient is practically attempted murder.
I’m not asking fast food workers to be perfect. All I’m asking is that they work at least as hard as I did back when I was a lousy employee. That can’t be so hard, can it?
Thursday, June 27, 2019
Social Anxiety Ups and Downs
I’m so disappointed in myself.
A few weeks before the event, I used a free business card service to print up a bunch of “Looking for a group” cards. My plan was to pass them out at the event. My rainbow d20 shirt (and matching necklace) was to be the conversation starter. People would see it and think, “Cool, another D&D player, I wonder if they have a group I could join.” They’d say hi, we’d talk a bit, and I’d give them the card with my e-mail address on it.
Over the weekend I went to Pride. I got to march in the parade, which was cool, definitely a first for me. It was euphoric. I cannot begin to describe the feeling of walking through the streets while people cheer you on. For a few minutes I actually didn’t hate myself.
Before the parade, they had to evacuate the area for impending bad weather. I had to hide in a post office until the weather was nice enough to continue. It only delayed the parade by about 45 minutes, so that was a nice bit of excitement.
I’ve been wanting to put together a new D&D group. Specifically, I’ve been trying to connect with other LGBT gamers. I want a group where we all have similar interests, where I if I wanted I could show up in a dress without ridicule. I probably wouldn't, but I'd like the option to be there.
I’m also only free on Saturdays, and only interested in D&D 5th Edition. Yes, I know, it’s a lot to ask. It’s hard enough to get a regular group together, much less one so specific. But D&D is getting a huge influx of new players right now, mostly because of Stranger Things, so it’s the perfect time to meet more gaymers.
I’m also only free on Saturdays, and only interested in D&D 5th Edition. Yes, I know, it’s a lot to ask. It’s hard enough to get a regular group together, much less one so specific. But D&D is getting a huge influx of new players right now, mostly because of Stranger Things, so it’s the perfect time to meet more gaymers.
Well, the shirt was a hit. At least twenty people complimented my shirt at the event. I told every one of them “Thank you,” but that was the most my social anxiety could handle. I did not give out a single card.
Now, to be fair, sometimes it would have been awkward to do so. Sometimes the person giving me a compliment was going in the opposite direction, and to stop and talk would have held up foot traffic in both directions. And sometimes the other person was just so much younger than me, it would have felt icky. “Would your parents be okay if I came over and played dice games with you in your basement?”
But those are just excuses. I still had plenty of encounters where I could have drawn out the conversation, but I dropped the ball. I just did my usual at the festival – walked around the entire event several times, took a handful of pictures, sat down a lot and watched people. I didn’t even go around collecting buttons and free samples like I usually do, because I didn’t feel like standing in lines. It was too hot to stay the whole time, and while I did stay longer than usual, I still left earlier than I originally intended to.
So now I’m depressed. All that euphoria I got from being in the parade? It’s gone now. I keep kicking myself for wasting my money on two Lyft rides when I didn’t stay very long or pass out any cards. I won’t get another chance to be around so many LGBT people until next year, and who knows if people will still be interested in D&D by then. Plus, next year’s festival probably won’t be as big, since this year was the 50th anniversary of Stonewall.
I want to be proud of myself for marching. It was something that scared me, and I did it anyway. Heck, even using Lyft for the first time scared me. Getting in a car alone with a stranger? In the South, while wearing a rainbow shirt, headed for a Pride festival? But it was important to me, so I overcame my fear long enough to do it. Now I just wish I could enjoy the memory. At this point I barely remember the festival, I mostly just remember the sunburn.
Maybe someday I’ll learn how to be happy.
Sunday, June 23, 2019
When Real Life Taints Fiction
On October 10, 2010, a webcomic called d20 Monkey published this strip:
I apologize for not being able to find a high resolution version; they did a pretty good job of scrubbing it from the internet. I wouldn't want to post a high-res version anyway, since it's not my work to redistribute. I can't read all the words, but here's a transcription of what I can get:
When that comic was first posted in 2010, it had only been a few years since I realized I was trans. I was brittle at the time, evangelical about LGBT issues, and ready to be offended by everything. I also should mention that trans issues weren’t in the news back then the way they are now. Trans people were acceptable targets, a group you could mock without as much fear of retribution.
I was also fairly new into D&D. I learned about d20 Monkey from an RPG forum, and enjoyed the first few strips. Then I came to that one. I tried to laugh it off, but it just bugged me. I posted a reply to the comic, complaining. I checked back for a response or apology, but never saw one, and eventually they took the comic down. But I could no longer enjoy the comic any more, and soon stopped reading it. I didn’t think about d20 Monkey again for years, and honestly forgot they existed.
Until one of my favorite webcomics, Dork Tower, let d20 Monkey do guest strips for a week. During Pride month, no less. Now, I have no idea how involved d20 Monkey has been with trans issues in the years since I stopped reading. For all I know, their comic now features a gay main character and they contribute thousands of dollars to trans charities. All I can tell you is that seeing them temporarily take over a beloved webcomic was a bit like seeing the White House taken over by transphobic white supremacists. A flood of emotions came over me. Memories of the severe depression I fought through when I first realized I was trans. Remembering when I first noticed just how much anti-trans “humor” permeated our society.
It's a fine line. When actors or writers turn out to be bad people, it can taint their work to a such a degree that it’s completely unenjoyable. Sometimes I have to remember that it takes hundreds of people to make a movie, and I shouldn’t let one actor bring it down for me. But then, if the movie hinges on that actor’s performance, it’s hard to enjoy watching them. Books and comic strips always hinge on the writer’s performance, so they’re right out.
For example, I still enjoy older Mel Gibson movies, even though they’re not quite as fun as they were before I disliked the actor. Same goes for Johnny Depp. I have no pull to see any new Mel Gibson or Johnny Depp movies, but I would still see a movie if they were in it but not the main star (Crimes of Grindelwald, for example, which sucked for entirely different reasons). At least I know my money is being divided among hundreds of people.
However, I can’t enjoy Orson Scott Card’s books any more. Books are too intimate a medium, like you’re walking through the author’s mind to explore their imagination. If I don’t like an author as a person, it’s almost impossible for me to enjoy reading their work. I’ve also stopped reading Dilbert, and I sold all the Dilbert books I had in my house. I just haven’t found them funny since Scott Adams went off the deep end.
In the case of d20 Monkey, I only found it sporadically funny in the first place. I enjoyed it because it was a D&D themed comic at a time when D&D comics weren’t quite as common as they are now, but I only really laughed at maybe one out of five comics. So it’s not a big loss for me. I have no idea how progressive the comic is now. I have no idea if they ever posted a public apology anywhere, or just quietly removed the offending comic hoping nobody would remember it. I don’t know if the author’s opinion of trans issues has changed in the past nine years. They’re allowed to have mistakes in their past, as long as they learned from them. I know I’ve got plenty of regrets of my own. I don’t expect other people to stop reading the comic just because I personally found one of their older strips offensive, and I’m not pushing to get the comic taken off the internet.
But it did bother me enough to write a blog about it.
I apologize for not being able to find a high resolution version; they did a pretty good job of scrubbing it from the internet. I wouldn't want to post a high-res version anyway, since it's not my work to redistribute. I can't read all the words, but here's a transcription of what I can get:
Panel 1:"What's the big damn deal, (anyway)? The (issue) is handled."Basically, the punch line makes fun of trans people. Now, you could argue that it’s just that one character who’s transphobic, and it doesn’t reflect the views of the writers, but I don’t buy it. I think you would have to be transphobic to think of the so-called “joke” in the first place, or to find it funny.
"You have no idea what you've done, do you?"
Panel 2:"Enlighten me, Frodo."
"You Bizarro'd us. You demanded no 'Emo Church Girls' and now, through the law of Bizarro we will get just that. Emo church chicks forever."
"What are you boys talking about?"
Panel 3:"Hey pops. Count Chuckula here thinks the Bizzarro law is crap."
"It's true. I once specified 'no trannies' (? ? ?) for new players. Someone answered the ad and the following week... I opened the door and Bam! Tranny. And I don't care what they say, a good looking tranny is still a tranny."
Panel 4:A good looking tranny is still a tranny.
A Public Service Announcement from d20Monkey.com
When that comic was first posted in 2010, it had only been a few years since I realized I was trans. I was brittle at the time, evangelical about LGBT issues, and ready to be offended by everything. I also should mention that trans issues weren’t in the news back then the way they are now. Trans people were acceptable targets, a group you could mock without as much fear of retribution.
I was also fairly new into D&D. I learned about d20 Monkey from an RPG forum, and enjoyed the first few strips. Then I came to that one. I tried to laugh it off, but it just bugged me. I posted a reply to the comic, complaining. I checked back for a response or apology, but never saw one, and eventually they took the comic down. But I could no longer enjoy the comic any more, and soon stopped reading it. I didn’t think about d20 Monkey again for years, and honestly forgot they existed.
Until one of my favorite webcomics, Dork Tower, let d20 Monkey do guest strips for a week. During Pride month, no less. Now, I have no idea how involved d20 Monkey has been with trans issues in the years since I stopped reading. For all I know, their comic now features a gay main character and they contribute thousands of dollars to trans charities. All I can tell you is that seeing them temporarily take over a beloved webcomic was a bit like seeing the White House taken over by transphobic white supremacists. A flood of emotions came over me. Memories of the severe depression I fought through when I first realized I was trans. Remembering when I first noticed just how much anti-trans “humor” permeated our society.
It's a fine line. When actors or writers turn out to be bad people, it can taint their work to a such a degree that it’s completely unenjoyable. Sometimes I have to remember that it takes hundreds of people to make a movie, and I shouldn’t let one actor bring it down for me. But then, if the movie hinges on that actor’s performance, it’s hard to enjoy watching them. Books and comic strips always hinge on the writer’s performance, so they’re right out.
For example, I still enjoy older Mel Gibson movies, even though they’re not quite as fun as they were before I disliked the actor. Same goes for Johnny Depp. I have no pull to see any new Mel Gibson or Johnny Depp movies, but I would still see a movie if they were in it but not the main star (Crimes of Grindelwald, for example, which sucked for entirely different reasons). At least I know my money is being divided among hundreds of people.
However, I can’t enjoy Orson Scott Card’s books any more. Books are too intimate a medium, like you’re walking through the author’s mind to explore their imagination. If I don’t like an author as a person, it’s almost impossible for me to enjoy reading their work. I’ve also stopped reading Dilbert, and I sold all the Dilbert books I had in my house. I just haven’t found them funny since Scott Adams went off the deep end.
In the case of d20 Monkey, I only found it sporadically funny in the first place. I enjoyed it because it was a D&D themed comic at a time when D&D comics weren’t quite as common as they are now, but I only really laughed at maybe one out of five comics. So it’s not a big loss for me. I have no idea how progressive the comic is now. I have no idea if they ever posted a public apology anywhere, or just quietly removed the offending comic hoping nobody would remember it. I don’t know if the author’s opinion of trans issues has changed in the past nine years. They’re allowed to have mistakes in their past, as long as they learned from them. I know I’ve got plenty of regrets of my own. I don’t expect other people to stop reading the comic just because I personally found one of their older strips offensive, and I’m not pushing to get the comic taken off the internet.
But it did bother me enough to write a blog about it.
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
The Greatest Insult
Everybody has their idea of the worst insult, the worst thing someone can say to you. For Marty McFly, it was being called chicken. For Sheldon Cooper, it’s disrespecting his grandmother. For some people, insulting is an art form, while others just randomly pull words from a bucket of obscenities. I had a friend in high school who had written and memorized a page-long insult that took several minutes for me to read, but he could recite it in 20 seconds like he was channeling Dennis Leary.
I once saw an insult comic at a RenFest, who would take money from the audience to insult other members of the audience. He ended the show with a $100 insult, and it was pretty impressive. Everyone laughed their heads off, including the one being insulted. Nobody got offended, because his insults could have applied to anybody. The comic didn’t actually know the people he was insulting, so they were just words. His insults didn’t point out physical flaws – he didn’t make fun of anyone’s weight or height or baldness. Instead he made long, baseless accusations about things he couldn’t possibly know. So if he ranted at someone for being a chronic masturbator, the words meant nothing because he would have said them to anyone.
If the movie “Roadhouse” has taught me one thing (and hopefully it hasn’t), it’s that most insults are just words designed to provoke a specific response. If you give in to that response, you’re giving them exactly what they want. The words themselves mean nothing if the insulter doesn’t know you. Did he call your mom a bitch? Well, does this person actually know your mom? Did he say you have a tiny penis? Well, has he actually seen you naked? If the insulter would say these things to anybody to get into a fight, then the words are hollow, and you have no reason to feel disrespected.
The greatest insult has to be from someone who already knows you, or at least knows things about you. If a customer calls you lazy because you made their burger too slow, they don’t know if you were up all night taking care of the baby and had to mow the lawn that morning before coming into work. But when your wife calls you lazy, it’s because she knows you didn’t do either of those things. She also knows you played video games all weekend when you were supposed to be fixing the car, and now she has to take the bus to work. When she calls you lazy, it should hit hard, and you should feel guilty about it.
The greatest insult, in my opinion, doesn’t involve any offensive words, doesn’t involve any references to your mother, and can only come from someone who knows you at least a little. And drumroll please, here it is, the worst thing one human being can say to another:
That’s it, that’s all, but it has to be said with sincerity. The idea that your existence not only causes the insulter pain, but many others as well. That you are doing more harm than good in the world. That if you would simply fade away, society would benefit. That anything good you’ve ever done is outweighed by all the bad.
When someone criticizes you for your political opinions, they don’t know all the reasons you voted the way you do. Maybe you don’t like Politician X, but still vote for them because Politician Y is so much worse. Maybe you don’t like your candidate’s position on Issue A, but you overlook it because Issue B is so much more important to you. I get that, I really do. Sometimes you just have to hold your nose and push that button, electing the lesser of two evils.
Lately I’ve heard a lot of people ask why we can’t just get along, saying we should love our neighbor regardless of their political opinions. And I want to believe that. But your politics don’t exist in a vacuum. Your vote directly helps or hurts people besides yourself. Sometimes I’m the person your politics hurt.
If you vote for Candidate X, and Candidate X believes that the world would be a better place if people like me weren’t in it, it’s hard not to take that personally. Your vote is a direct insult to me, the worst possible insult, and it may even put me in physical danger. So as much as I want to reconcile with the other side, as much as I want to accept people’s politics the same way I accept other differences, it’s a much harder sell. Politics are a choice, and if you’re making the choice to hurt people like me, we’re going to have a hard time being friends.
I once saw an insult comic at a RenFest, who would take money from the audience to insult other members of the audience. He ended the show with a $100 insult, and it was pretty impressive. Everyone laughed their heads off, including the one being insulted. Nobody got offended, because his insults could have applied to anybody. The comic didn’t actually know the people he was insulting, so they were just words. His insults didn’t point out physical flaws – he didn’t make fun of anyone’s weight or height or baldness. Instead he made long, baseless accusations about things he couldn’t possibly know. So if he ranted at someone for being a chronic masturbator, the words meant nothing because he would have said them to anyone.
If the movie “Roadhouse” has taught me one thing (and hopefully it hasn’t), it’s that most insults are just words designed to provoke a specific response. If you give in to that response, you’re giving them exactly what they want. The words themselves mean nothing if the insulter doesn’t know you. Did he call your mom a bitch? Well, does this person actually know your mom? Did he say you have a tiny penis? Well, has he actually seen you naked? If the insulter would say these things to anybody to get into a fight, then the words are hollow, and you have no reason to feel disrespected.
The greatest insult has to be from someone who already knows you, or at least knows things about you. If a customer calls you lazy because you made their burger too slow, they don’t know if you were up all night taking care of the baby and had to mow the lawn that morning before coming into work. But when your wife calls you lazy, it’s because she knows you didn’t do either of those things. She also knows you played video games all weekend when you were supposed to be fixing the car, and now she has to take the bus to work. When she calls you lazy, it should hit hard, and you should feel guilty about it.
The greatest insult, in my opinion, doesn’t involve any offensive words, doesn’t involve any references to your mother, and can only come from someone who knows you at least a little. And drumroll please, here it is, the worst thing one human being can say to another:
The world would be a better place if you weren’t in it.
When someone criticizes you for your political opinions, they don’t know all the reasons you voted the way you do. Maybe you don’t like Politician X, but still vote for them because Politician Y is so much worse. Maybe you don’t like your candidate’s position on Issue A, but you overlook it because Issue B is so much more important to you. I get that, I really do. Sometimes you just have to hold your nose and push that button, electing the lesser of two evils.
Lately I’ve heard a lot of people ask why we can’t just get along, saying we should love our neighbor regardless of their political opinions. And I want to believe that. But your politics don’t exist in a vacuum. Your vote directly helps or hurts people besides yourself. Sometimes I’m the person your politics hurt.
If you vote for Candidate X, and Candidate X believes that the world would be a better place if people like me weren’t in it, it’s hard not to take that personally. Your vote is a direct insult to me, the worst possible insult, and it may even put me in physical danger. So as much as I want to reconcile with the other side, as much as I want to accept people’s politics the same way I accept other differences, it’s a much harder sell. Politics are a choice, and if you’re making the choice to hurt people like me, we’re going to have a hard time being friends.
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