Monday, February 27, 2006

And the Poodoo Hits the Fan

I believe it's over. After two years of going back and forth between "I want to live as a woman", and "I want to stay with KJ", it's finally coming to a head. I hate to say it, but I think our marriage is over. And our friendship looks a little iffy too.

I have seriously screwed her over, and I don't know what to do about it. She has no real friends right now, and no prospects for another relationship. She has a skin condition that makes her feel less attractive, and other medical conditions that require my insurance. She has a stress condition that prevents her from working full time hours. We don't make enough money for her to get her own place. Which is fine with me, I have no problem supporting her for as long as she needs. But I don't know if we can live together as friends, when she can't stand the sight of me. She doesn't even have any family she can stay with.

But that's the way it's been since the problem began. My biggest reason for trying to stay male has always been, "KJ needs me". And on some level, I've known for quite a while that whatever I decided, only one of us would be happy. I just can't make a decision that I know will destroy KJ's life. Which it will on so many levels. However, I don't consider it a "decision", but a resignation. This vicious cycle is going to eat at us both until we deal with it.

But after the talk we had this morning, I don't think there's any going back to the way we were. Which might be a good thing in the long run, but it sure is painful now.

I honestly have no idea what to do next. Neither of us really have anyone to talk to. Sure, I have several online friends, and some boards where I can vent, but it's not the same as speaking to someone face-to-face. Even my next therapy session isn't for three weeks. But as bad as I feel for myself, I feel twice as bad for KJ, who's the real victim here.

Why doesn't life come with an instruction manual? And why can't we return it when we discover it's defective?


Back to Normal?
I may have been hasty in my last post. Things are gradually returning to normal between me and KJ, and I'm back to "I want to stay with KJ." It's nice to be comfortable again, but the whole thing is just a vicious cycle. Am I going to obsess about this forever? Maybe it would be better if we just split; then I could figure out my gender issues without outside temptations. Meaning, if I choose to stay male, I would know that I'm doing it because I really am male at heart, as opposed to doing it just to stay with KJ. Of course, if that happened, I don't know how I'd live with myself.

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