Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I Hate Myself

(whiny rant alert)

When I look back from the future, I think this weekend will be a significant dot on the timeline of my life and marriage.

On Friday, I called one of those Laser Hair Removal places and set up an appointment. I've always wanted my facial hair gone. The only thing I hate worse than shaving my face, is having a beard. And I always have 5 o'clock shadow, even immediately after I shave. And my skin is so sensitive, that I always cut myself no matter how good the razor. I've tried electric razors, but they just don't shave close enough. The point is, the appointment has nothing to do with my transgender issues. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

I don't want to take any steps towards changing my gender; I want to stay with my wife. But I really feel compelled to get the laser hair removal. I asked KJ if it bothered her, and she replied that the only thing that bothers her is the money. But I don't believe her.

On Monday I went to see my psychologist. We had a rather productive session, even if it was marred by one disappointment (I was hoping to get the results back from a Rorschach test I had taken on a previous session, but it wasn't ready yet). As a result of the session, a few realizations started to sink in:

1. I'm unhappy. (Duh.) I've been unhappy for years, and there's no reason to believe I'm suddenly going to be happy, when I keep living the same life I've always lived. I can either stay in this unhappy existence, or find another one... even if there's just a slight chance I'll be happier in the other life, it's better than the guarantee I'll be unhappy in this one.

2. KJ is only thing keeping me tied to this life. I would never wish her any harm, and I don't even like to think about this, but... hypothetically, if she were suddenly out of my life, I would probably start taking hormones within a month.

3. Want to be a woman, not a transsexual. Even currently married as I am, if I were to find a genie in a bottle, who could zap me into a natural female body... young, good looking, not dependent on hormone pills, six inches shorter than I am now... I'd do it in a heartbeat. But transsexuals (imo) don't live female lives, they live transsexual lives. Even after the operation, many still have to worry about "passing". The fact that there are transsexual support groups shows they're not living a normal female life. When was the last time you saw a GG (genuine girl) go to a support group for "living with being a natural female"?

Then, Monday night, we went to see Transamerica. I had a good time, but of course the movie just reminded me of a lot of my own problems. I even cried at one point, when Bree encountered her family and was met with such disapproval.

And late last night, when we were trying to fall asleep, KJ and I both had a long crying session. I was lying there, feeling sorry for myself as usual, nearly in tears. Then I heard KJ crying. So I held her while she bawled. Then I started crying, and she held me. We probably spent more than half an hour wimpering and crying and holding each other, all the while not a word was spoken (except for a mumble of "Kleenex"). Eventually we did talk for a little while, but neither of us said anything the other didn't already know.

My mind kept flashing to thoughts of suicide, anything to stop the extreme emotional pain I was in. KJ has nearly an entire bottle of prescription sleeping pills, and I kept wondering if I could find a way to take them without her knowing. Oddly, one of the things that stopped me was the fact that the pills are so expensive.

I hate myself. I hate that I've hurt KJ, I hate that our marriage may be doomed. I hate that I can't just be happy with our life together; it's such a good life. We're perfect for each other, and no two people have ever loved each other more. Sometimes I wish I'd never told her about my gender issues, and had continued to suffer silently. Otoh, if I had, I might be dead now... and KJ would never know why.

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