This Might Not Have Actually Happened

About 25 years ago, when I first got my driver's license, I got stuck trying to make a left turn at a traffic light.  This light didn't have a left arrow, and there was an infinite stream of cars I needed to turn through.  I sat through several cycles waiting for an opportunity to turn.  I couldn't even change my mind at that point, because the traffic to my right was also bumper to bumper.

I thought I'd be stuck there forever.  In fact, I'm still there right now.  The first few years were especially difficult.  Pizza places can be iffy about delivering to cars stuck in traffic, but if you tip them enough they get over it.  And then Uber Eats came along, and I found I could get all the comforts of home shipped to my car.

Life could be worse.

I Hate Cars

'nuff said.

I'm Not Perfect Either

Just the other day my wife said something like, "Remember that episode of (some sitcom) where they met a doctor that was wearing (some odd outfit)?"  I racked my brain trying to remember this doctor, and couldn't.  Then she added, "You remember, she had that (further description)?"  Upon hearing the word "she" in that last sentence, I immediately remembered the episode and character my wife was referencing.

When she'd said "doctor", I'd immediately pictured a man, and trying to match up a male character with the rest of her description kept me from remembering the character.  It was an instinctual, sexist moment on my part.  It wasn't intentional, but it's one of those little bits of internalized sexism that says a lot about our society.

To use someone else's example, it's like when a someone says, "Bob killed his neighbor's wife" instead of just "Bob killed his neighbor".  It's a distinction that's difficult for most people to notice, including myself.  Both phrases are technically accurate, but the former shows how deeply ingrained sexism can be.  The wife is Bob's neighbor too, why does she have to be identified by her relation to her husband?  It describes the wife as if she's not her own person, but someone's possession.  If it was the husband that was killed, you would probably never hear "Bob killed his neighbor's husband."

I'm afraid that my blogs come across as I'm holier-than-thou.  But a lot of the sins I point out in society, I'm guilty of as well.  That's how I know them so well.  I identified them in myself first.  Remember, I was born in a Christian Republican family, and kept those values until after college.  I might be evangelistic about my liberalism, atheism, and gender issues, but I'm not saying you're stupid for disagreeing with me.  I'm saying I used to think that too, and here's what changed my mind.

But more importantly, I'm not saying I'm never wrong.  To this day, I still say and do little things that are racist, sexist, or homophobic.  Identifying these mistakes is part of the journey to being a better person, and I'm still on that journey.  I don't hate people for making mistakes on their own journey, I'm just disappointed with people who refuse to take the journey at all.

No one is perfect, especially not me.  I'm trying to be a better person, and I hope you are too.

Lifeway

I hadn’t thought of this in a while, but with the recent news that Lifeway Christian Resources is closing its physical stores, I had a memory I wanted to share.  In 1999, I had just moved back to Nashville after spending a few years in Kentucky, and I was looking for a decent job.  A family member worked for LCR, and she forwarded me one of their applications.  I never finished filling it out.  After reading their policies, it just felt creepy.  I still considered myself Christian at the time, and hadn’t yet realized I was trans, but their policies still felt discriminatory and only borderline legal.

I had to go through some old CDs to find this, but I'd saved this bit of text from the application.  Note that the very top of the application claimed "We are an equal employment opportunity employer."  The definition of "equal opportunity employer" (according to Merriam Webster) is "an employer who agrees not to discriminate against any employee or job applicant because of race, color, religion, national origin, sex, physical or mental disability, or age."

The first few pages of the application asked the normal questions you would expect to see on an application.  Then there was a section titled "Personal Information", which asked your religious denomination, and where you attend church.  Finally, there was a section titled "Lifestyle Considerations" that had the following paragraphs:

Because of the unique and special nature of LifeWay Christian Resources, employees are expected to manifest conduct and actions which project an image consistent with the expressed purpose and mission of Lifeway. Southern Baptist churches have voluntarily given LifeWay a place of influence based upon the values of trust and respect.  It is, therefore; imperative employees favorably represent LifeWay.

Conduct which brings embarrassment to LifeWay or impedes its credibility with constituents is unacceptable.  Conduct or other actions inconsistent with that normally expected of Southern Baptist denominational employees is unacceptable.  Similarly, conduct or other actions perceived as inconsistent are unacceptable.  Examples of such conduct are involvement with alcohol, illegal drugs, pre-marital or extra-marital sex, cohabitation apart from the marriage relationship, homosexuality, and outside interests and pursuits which would normally be considered incompatible with LifeWay's mission.

LifeWay Christian Resources has not only the right, but also the responsibility to do everything possible to ensure the stated purpose and mission of LifeWay continues in its highest tradition and is not harmed or impeded by unacceptable behavior on the part of its employees.

Consistent with this purpose, LifeWay's policy is to ensure all applicant and employee behavior meets LifeWay's standards of acceptable conduct.  As a part of this policy, and individual's current and past conduct is reviewed.  Therefore, please respond accordingly to the inquiry below.  A yes answer does not automatically disqualify you from further consideration for employment, as each individual's circumstances are reviewed.

Do you have, or have you had, any lifestyle, conduct, or activity which would project an image which could embarrass LifeWay or impede its credibility with its constituents as referred to above?  (yes) (no) If yes,please explain:

I don’t know if these are still their policies today.  If they are, I wonder if they’re still so open about it.

Jack of all Trades, Master of None

I think my biggest problem is a lack of focus.  It’s been this way all my life.  I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.  (I still don’t.)  My brother had a laser-guided focus – he wanted to be an artist from a very early age, and never strayed anywhere else.  Sure, he had other hobbies, but none of them were potential careers.  Meanwhile, I kept going back and forth between wanting to draw comic books, write novels, and program video games.  I think I had a natural talent for some of those things, but I just couldn’t concentrate on any one hobby long enough to become competent.

I created several video games for the Commodore 64.  Nothing particularly complicated, mostly Defender-style shooters.  I didn’t actually know a programming language, I used a program called “Garry Kitchen’s Gamemaker”.  Additionally, I bought every game I could find that allowed you to design your own levels.  Excitebike.  Wrecking Crew.  Lode Runner.  More recently, Super Mario Maker.  I loved level design.  But I never got so into it that I learned how to make games from scratch.  Learning a computer language would have taken a level of dedication I didn’t possess.  I still sometimes think about learning to program, but I just can’t make myself start.  I’m afraid of investing money into classes I might not finish.

I drew comic books.  On notebook paper, just for my friends to read.  I started around third grade, and kept going until I was in my mid-20s.  My art did improve during that time – how could it not improve at least a little – but I never took the time to get really good at drawing.  I still sometimes get the urge to start a webcomic, but something shiny always distracts me before I go too far in that direction.

I wrote short stories.  This was mostly later, after high school.  Whenever I created a character for D&D, I would write a short story about them.  I wrote a full novel about some space bounty hunters, and several short stories with the same characters.  I still go back to them now and then, trying to fix some flaws and remove the worst clichés.  I don’t care about whether my stories make any money, it would be nice just to have something out there, perhaps on the Kindle store.  But I’m afraid I don’t have the attention span to complete them.

I’ve always been attracted to hybrid hobbies, ones that combine two or more skills without demanding you be an expert in any of them.  Drawing comic books took both writing and drawing skills – but less writing than a novelist and less artistic skill than a painter.  For a few years I made virtual paper dolls for a program called KISS (“Kisekae Set System”), which required small amounts of art and programming.  I even wrote short stories to go along with some of my KISS dolls.  I spent over a year designing a persistent world module for NeverWinter Nights – which took small amounts of computer scripting, writing dialogue, and general creative worldbuilding.

I have random weird skills without the secondary skills required to make the primary skills monetizable.  For example, I’m very good at proofreading (as long as I didn’t write it).  When I read books, spelling errors just jump out at me as if they were written in bold type.  Unfortunately, I don’t read fast enough to proofread for a living, and the invention of the spellchecker probably cut down on the number of professional proofreaders out there anyway.

Successful people have passion, usually for something very specific.  I don’t have specific passions.  I don’t latch onto specific hobbies.  I get caught up in odd minor aspects of hobbies that never result in me finishing a project.  I’m certain I fit in somewhere in the world.  I’m certain there’s a job or hobby out there that would fit me like a glove.  Everyone wants to be a rock star or a famous actor, but nobody dreams about being a key grip or lighting director.  I’m pretty sure I’m designed to have one of those technical jobs that nobody ever talks about, but the fact that nobody ever talks about it is the reason I haven’t heard of it.  Something in the entertainment industry, that requires minor knowledge of two or three fields without needing expertise in any of them.  Nothing that would put me on camera, nothing that would make me a household name, and I’m fine with that.

I know there’s a job out there that I could be passionate about, I just don’t know how to find it.

The Best A Man Can Get

So I kept hearing about the uproar over Gillette’s new “anti-man propaganda” commercial.  I had to wonder, what did they do?  Did they say all men are rapists?  Toxic masculinity is a tricky issue; not everybody understands what it is, or why it’s just as bad for men as it is for women.  I wasn’t sure a razor company could really do the subject justice, and it might come off as if they are complaining about all men.  Ready to cringe, I watched the video:

…that’s it?  Really?  This is what is causing men everywhere to throw tantrums like cranky two-year olds?  The commercial basically says, “Don’t be a bully, please treat women with respect, and always be the best person you can be.”  It doesn’t say, “You, yes you specifically, are a bully who sexually harasses women.”  Nor does it say, “Only men can be bullies, women are perfect.” 

Apparently in this day and age, the phrase “Don’t be a jerk” is considered part of the Liberal Agenda.  When America elected a bully for president in 2016, I was disappointed but at least there were explanations – a lot of people didn't vote, gerrymandering gives disproportionate power to certain voters, underhanded voter purges kept some people from voting, etc…  basically, the outcome of the election doesn’t necessarily reflect the actual attitude of the average American.

But this does.  As I write this, the YouTube video has a million dislikes, and only about half as many likes.  I browsed the comments, and couldn’t find a single post that sided with Gillette.  This is what bothers me most.  This isn’t die-hard Republicans saying, “I hate Trump but I like his tax proposals better than what the Democrats are offering, so I’ll vote for him and try to ignore his childishness.”  This is people actually saying, “Bullying is fine.  Sexually harassment is fine.  Toxic masculinity is fine.”  I can not put into words how disappointed I am in the people who hate the commercial.

Let me ask you this:  When you watch the Gillette commercial, do you feel personally called out?  If so, why?  Are you a bully/rapist?  If not, then the commercial isn’t really talking about you.  If you still feel called out on some level… maybe you need to explore why you feel that way.  Do you subconsciously feel like maybe you are a bully, and don’t like the commercial for pulling at that particular string?  If so, use this as an opportunity to explore those feelings.  Introspection is good.

Some of the complainers simply said variations of, “A razor company shouldn’t be spouting political opinions.”  And that’s fair, except:

1. “Don’t be a bully or rapist” shouldn’t be a political opinion.  It should be the default.

2. I seriously doubt these people would be complaining if Gillette’s “political opinion” was something they agreed with, or at least something they felt neutral about.  If Gillette’s ad said, “Here at Gillette, we like mustard more than ketchup,” people would probably just say, “huh, that’s a weird ad” and get on with their lives.

The Gillette ad is not attacking masculinity, it is attacking Toxic Masculinity.  This is defined as "the constellation of socially regressive male traits that serve to foster domination, the devaluation of women, homophobia and wanton violence" (Terry Kupers).  Maybe the commercial doesn't make it clear that it's only attacking one type of masculinity, but it gives plenty of examples of activities that are clearly wrong.  It's not like it's saying, "have a penis, go to jail."

I just don't know what to think any more.  The country has become so polarized the last few years, and while we like to think of it as Republicans/Conservatives vs Democrats/Liberals, more and more it looks like the divide is between bullies and people who actually care about their fellow humans.

Cheers and Tears

Do you ever lie awake at night berating yourself for things you said more than thirty years ago?  Sometimes it helps to purge those inner demons by writing it all out. 

In sixth and seventh grade, I was kind of a jerk.  I don’t think I was a horrible person, but I was extremely full of myself, and I always thought I was the smartest person in the room. 

Let’s look at the TV show “Cheers”.  If you watch the first episode, it looks like it’s going to be the story of Diane Chambers.  She’s framed as the “Only Sane Person” in an environment full of kooks, kind of like Dick Loudon in Newhart.  When she got a job at the bar, it was like Dian Fossey doing research by living among the apes.  At least, that was my interpretation at the time.  It didn’t take the writers long to realize that the audience was identifying more with the lowbrow characters than with the intellectual Diane, who many viewers found annoying.  The focus shifted appropriately, and Diane’s intellectualism was treated more like a character flaw than an advantage.

But not for me.  I continued to identify with Diane, because that’s how I saw the world.  I was the only smart person in a school full of idiots, the only nice person in a school full of jerks, the only refined person in a school full of lowlifes.  I would use words like “au contraire” because I thought it made me sound smart, when I actually just came across as pompous.  I still remember the first time one of my classmates called me “conceited”, and while I took offense at the time, he was definitely right. 

Pop psychology often suggests boosting your child’s ego.  “You should constantly tell your children how smart they are, to build their confidence and make them more self-assured.”  It sounds like good advice, but the problem is, the kids who need it don’t get it and vice versa.  It seems like behind every raging egomaniac, there’s a parent who won’t stop gushing about how smart their child is.  My own parents ran hot and cold on me.  I can remember specific instances of them bolstering my ego (and sometimes even seeing through it as empty praise), but they (well, my mom) also tore me down a lot too.  It’s a wonder I’m as well-adjusted -Cufflinks! Nostrils! –as I am.

I don’t know at what point I grew out of my conceitedness (not that it’s completely gone of course), but I imagine the stresses over the next few years changed me a lot.  Not just the migraines and related problems, but I actually started to fail at things for the first time in my life, and it was a huge blow to my ego.  Today… well, I’m not good at self-awareness, so I’m not sure how other people see me.  Nor do I think I want to know.  But internally, my self-confidence is shot.  If I say anything egotistical, it’s either a joke or an act of self-preservation, because in my head I’m worthless.

I’ve never been accused of being the sharpest tool in the shed, but I have been accused of being a tool, so at least that’s progress.