Monday, July 10, 2006

It's Written All Over My Face

Right now, I've got a cute little webtoy on my page, that lets you draw on a picture of my face. Of course you've probably seen it, but I described it anyway because I might have to take it down soon, if this becomes a problem. Okay, so over the weekend, I changed my profile photo from a "Matt" pic to a "Christine" pic. Not even 24 hours later, someone had written "FAG" in big letters across my face.

Now, the opinion of a bigot does not bother me. Heck, he doesn't even know the difference between transgenderism and sexual orientation. I'm not a "fag", I'm a "tranny". If you're going to insult me, at least be accurate.

Besides, it's going to get so much worse than this. Everyone I've told about my gender issues has been so supportive; it's almost disappointing. (Note, I said, "almost"). Heck, most people I've told weren't even surprised. ("What do you mean, you already knew? I didn't even know! When were you going to tell me?") I am extremely lucky that this is the first negative feedback I've had to tolerate. But let's face it, sooner or later I'll be the target of insults, scorn, mocking, and probably even rocks. I'm going to have to develop a thick skin eventually.

Really, I'm kind of proud of the insult... it's like being initiated into some sort of club. Now that I've been insulted, I'm a "true tranny." In a strange way, it validates my existence.

However, there is one thing that really bothers me. The simple fact that someone out there hates me. Even though we've never met, and I've never done anything to him, he just hates me for who I am. Okay, okay, that's nothing new. People hate other people all the time for stupid reasons. There are people who hate certain races, religions, countries, etc. If you have a pulse, there's someone who hates you. But still, this is more personal. It's one thing to say that you dislike left-handed Hungarian ice skaters, but it's quite another to actually send a note to one.

And it's not like I want everyone in the world to like me. Heck, I'd rather most people not know I exist. To some extent, I even respect people who think I'm a sinner. I can't understand their beliefs for the life of me, but at least they're following some sort of moral code, and sticking to it. But I don't like being the direct target of hate. Hating a group is one thing... it's easier to hate groups because you don't see them as individual people. That's almost instinctual - "birds of a feather" and all that. But I'm not condoning racism, I'm just saying I understand why people (especially the dumber ones) are so prone to it. But singling me out personally, I just don't get. Yes, I know I'm reading a lot into three letters.

I'm not actually afraid, though... Yes, I know people like me have it tough. I know they can get into some pretty bad situations. Anyone who's seen that recent Lifetime Movie ("A Girl Like Me") or even "Boys Don't Cry" (pretty much the same story, but reversed), both of which are based on true events, knows that I could be killed just for being myself. But you know what? That just doesn't really frighten me. Considering the amount of time I spend contemplating suicide anyway, why should I be afraid of someone beating me to it? I'd rather die as a young woman, than as an old man.

Wait, wait, don't go calling the police or anything. Let me expand on what I meant by "contemplating suicide". I promise you, I'm not suicidal. Some of the pills I'm taking for depression/social anxiety do have "thoughts of suicide" listed as a side effect, a fact which I find hilariously ironic. But as my psychiatrist explained to me, I might think about suicide more often, but I'm much less likely to actually do it. The point is, I'm not trying to find ways to kill myself, but I'm not currently afraid of death. I'm much more afraid of "not living" than I am of dying.

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