Thursday, July 20, 2006

Regarding my Transgenderism

For the most part, I'm out of the closet now. So you may commence talking about me behind my back; you won't be giving away any secrets. For any of you who don't know, I'm transgendered. To recap:

I have been in therapy for well over a year, to help me deal with several issues, most significantly gender dysphoria. This is the same as being "a woman trapped in a man's body" (though generally I don't care for that term).

I am not gay, but I strongly identify with the opposite sex, and I strongly wish I was a woman. I have known this on some level all of my life, but I suppressed these feelings because I didn't know what they meant. I had always assumed that the desire to be female was part of being gay, and I knew I wasn't attracted to men. It just a few years ago that I found out that a lot of transsexuals are straight (at least before the operation), and with that discovery came a floodgate of realizations about myself.

So what does this do to my marriage? We're not sure yet. We have discussed this subject at great length, usually until both of us are in tears. We love each other very much, and we never want to be apart. But she doesn't want to be married to a woman, or even a man who perceives himself to be a woman. And while I can't bear the thought of losing her, I also can't go through life pretending to be something I'm not.

I can see myself as female, and I can accept myself as gender-neutral, but I simply can not see myself as male. Perhaps if I can come to terms with these feelings, and learn to be happy with myself the way I am in a gender-neutral way, then I won't have to pursue this any further.

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