I Tried

Well, I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. I think I'm up for the long haul.

She died in pain. That's what bothers me most. The coroner tried to tell me that it happened suddenly, too quickly for her to be in pain. But KJ was in severe pain - more than I'd ever seen - right up until the minute she passed out. One of the last things she said to me was something along the lines of, "Why me? I never hurt anyone."

I keep hearing her voice. I think it's the puppy downstairs, yowling because it doesn't like being left alone at night. But on the periphery of my hearing, it sounds like KJ calling for me to come downstairs. I'm going to have these auditory hallucinations for a long time. Every gust of wind, every creak of the house, I'll hear her voice in it.

I have never lived alone. I went from living with my parents, to living in a dorm room with a roommate, to living with my parents again, to living in an apartment with KJ and two other roommates, to living exclusively with KJ. It's been years since we've slept in the same bed, but I always felt better knowing she was in the house. Safer, more complete.

I still keep thinking I'm going to wake up tomorrow and find this was all a dream. Of course, waking up would require sleeping. In the 37 years we've been together, we've spent maybe ten nights apart. And every time she was gone, I had trouble sleeping. I might never sleep again.

I always assumed I'd outlive her. Between her health problems, her smoking, and her poor diet, I just figured I'd last a few years longer than her. But I at least thought we'd have another ten, maybe even twenty years together.

I don't want to get rid of her stuff. Even her clothes - I mean, I have absolutely no use for it, but it's like, "What if I give it away and then she comes back?" But another part of me thinks, "Get rid of it all as quickly as possible, because having it around reminds me of her, and that's torture."

It's too early for me to be having those thoughts anyway. Right now I just need to come to terms with her death. I can think about settling her affairs in a few days. But then, that's not how my brain works. I'm going over everything right now. Every little thing.

I don't think I'll ever be in another relationship. I've been saying that for years. We often talked about whether we'd date again if the other died. I just don't see it. Not because KJ was the perfect woman - I mean, she was perfect for me, but nobody's truly perfect - but rather because I'm so broken, and I don't have the energy to mask enough to make someone like me. Relationships are hard work, and I don't believe I'll ever have that kind of drive again.

Things were going so well. Yeah, the job search sucks, and there's the fear that I can't really afford to live in my new house. But we love this new town, we love the house, we love the neighborhood, we've finally paid off a lot of debts, and overall it just felt like a fresh, new start. The second half of our lives could begin.

Fuck.