Souvenirs

Everyone likes souvenirs, right? The EMTs left the following behind:

 

In case you can't see the image, it depicts a disposable mask for delivering oxygen, the instructions for said face mask (one corner partially chewed by a puppy), a sheet of toe tags with one missing, and the peel-off liners for some defibrillator pads.

This isn't a complaint. I'd rather the EMTs concentrate on saving lives than on cleaning up after themselves. But it's still not fun finding these things around your living room after a tragedy.

However, I can't bring myself to throw these items away. I still keep having thoughts that this is just a dream, that KJ's just in the other room, that she'll be back soon, and so on.

Have you ever been watching a movie, and you're looking down at your popcorn or something when a major character dies? But it happens so fast, and there's hardly any mention of it later, and you're like, "Wait, did they just kill off Admiral Ackbar?"

The EMTs were here for over two hours on Friday night. But in my mind, it still happened so fast that sometimes I can't believe it. Like, maybe KJ went out of town, and I only dreamed she died.

Whenever I start deluding myself, trying to convince myself that she's still alive somewhere, I glance at my pile of souvenirs. It grounds me, and keeps me in reality. I'll reduce the stack soon. I'll trash the instructions and the liners, and put the toe tags in a folder somewhere (I find them interesting enough to keep, despite their backstory).

But I'm going to keep the mask out for a while, at least until I receive KJ's ashes. Whenever I find myself questioning reality, I can look at the mask for confirmation. It's a punch in the gut every time I look at it, but it keeps me from questioning my memories.

They talk about the seven stages of grief, and I am plowing through them. But not in order, and there's a lot of regression. At random points throughout the day, I'll have periods of denial, anger, acceptance, denial again, and so on.

I've been watching comfort videos today. For the past few months, KJ and I have been watching a lot of reaction videos where people watch a popular movie for the first time. One of our favorites is Popcorn in Bed. The host of the channel missed a lot of major movies growing up, and watching her watch them is like seeing them for the first time.

KJ and I had nearly exhausted the channel, but we hadn't gotten around to watching the Star Wars ones. So today, I'm having a Star Wars reaction marathon. The videos are junk food for the soul, but they do cheer me up.

I had a sobbing fit when Luke's aunt and uncle died. I'd never cried for them before, not even when I first saw the movie as a little kid. Little things like that trigger me throughout the day. Most of the time I'm stable, if emotionally tired. Then I'll have a random thought and lose my cool.

But I think I am getting a little stronger. I still feel lost, confused, and more miserable than I've ever been, but I don't feel hopeless.

At least that's something.