My Right Hand

I've always heard indispensable people referred to as "my right hand." As in, "Oh, my assistant Charlotte? She's my right hand. I couldn't find my keys without her." I always thought I understood that phrase. I mean, yeah, she's important. So important that losing her would be like losing a body part. That's just a degree of importance, but it doesn't make it clear all the ramifications of what it means.

When I say losing KJ was like losing my right hand, I literally mean it was like losing a body part. Your hand isn't just important, not in the way other things are important. Losing a hand is a serious lifestyle change. It affects all aspects of your life. How you get dressed, how you drive, how you eat - it's all going to change.

I've been with KJ for thirty-two years. That's well over half my life. That kind of partnership has a formative effect on you. She is literally part of my personality. I can't watch a video without thinking about how KJ will react. I can't hear a joke without thinking, "Wait until I tell her this one." I can't make a decision without needing to hear her opinion.

It's like those stories you hear about K9 dogs. You know, the ones that become so bonded to their partners, that when the officers die, the dog has to retire.

It's been nearly twenty years since my father died. To this day, sometimes I'll see a movie and wonder what he would have thought of it. It kills me that I can't see his reaction. It kills me that I can't ask him his opinions on things.

But that's nothing compared to this. KJ was the guiding force in our relationship, and she's been a deciding influence in every decision I've made in the past three decades. I think about life without her, and the future just looks blank. I wanted to grow old with her. Now? I don't know what I want. I'm traveling unknown waters here, and I don't even know how I want things to turn out.

Please don't worry about me doing anything drastic. That's not what this is about. I promise that I won't do any sort of self-harm. As for what I will do... that's up in the air.