Advice Embargo

Today marks three weeks since KJ passed.

A couple of days ago I took my mom to the zoo. Most of the animals stayed hidden, but that wasn't the point for me. I just needed to get out, have a little fun, and try to enjoy life for a minute. It didn't really help. All I could think about was how much I missed doing things like that with KJ. But at least I got some fresh air and exercise. And I met a cool giraffe.

 

The nights are hardest. When things are quiet, I have more time with my thoughts. I can usually fall asleep pretty quickly, but I keep waking up too early and staying up.

Last night I was watching YouTube in bed. I found a video that KJ would have found funny, and I broke down in tears. I wanted her to see the video. I don't know anyone else who would have appreciated it the way she would have. It's like the video was made for her. I wanted to share it with her and I couldn't.

I keep coming across things like that. Like, did you know they've announced a sequel to Practical Magic? I'll probably never watch it, but KJ would have been interested, and I would have loved seeing it with her. But without KJ, that movie has nothing for me.

I've spent the last three decades living at least partially for her. I'm conditioned to look for things she'd like. Doing things for my own enjoyment seems hollow. Like, okay, who am I actually doing this for? What's the point of just me being happy?

I need more time to heal. I'm very glad I don't have a job right now, and that I have enough money coming in that I can keep being picky for a few more months. I wish my family would stop pressuring me to get a job right NOW NOW NOW. I know what I'm doing. I have a schedule. I know I can get a job almost right away if my funds get low, but I have the luxury of waiting for a job I actually want.

Plus some family members are giving me some very elementary advice, some of which I find insulting. "Did you know you can use Google to find jobs?" Wow! I never thought of that! I definitely didn't try that all the way back in January when I moved here!

And some of the jobs they forward to me are 100% scams, which I'd already looked into months ago. Or they require certifications that I don't have. Or I've already applied there and was turned down. Yes I'm on Indeed. Yes I'm on ZipRecruiter. Yes I'm on LinkedIn. And a few others as well. I've been doing this since January, and I've been very thorough.

I know they mean well, and I appreciate their help. But I know what I'm doing. I know they think I'm being too picky. But right now, a bad job is worse than no job. Eventually that will change, but not quite yet.

Three weeks ago I was about to buckle down and put more effort into the job hunt, but then KJ passed away. Now I need a few more weeks to adjust. I don't think it's too much to ask, especially at a time when I can afford it.

I don't need advice right now. I just need sympathy and time.