I'm finally starting to get enthusiastic about the job search again. I still don't want help finding a job. What some people consider "help" is a lot more like pressure. But I'm finally reaching the point where I crave some manner of routine, so I have less time to wallow in self-pity.
I ran a lot of errands today. Post office, donation center, used media store, restaurant, gas, etc. The cats are mad at me because I forgot to pick up cat food, but I'll do that first thing in the morning.
I also moved some furniture up and down the stairs. I very nearly injured myself, but those are the risks of living alone. I still have a lot more I want to do, but there are some things that have to wait for a second human. And there are some things I just can't bring myself to do yet.
Every once in a while it hits me that KJ doesn't exist anymore. I mean, that specter is always hanging overhead, but now and then the fact just pops up, like some absurd bit of trivia. It sounds ridiculous on the face of it. I'd sooner believe that the moon had exploded. A world without KJ? That doesn't even make sense. How can you have a world without KJ?
There are still some things around the house I'm reluctant to change, "in case she comes back." No, I can't give away the teddy bears, she'll want them someday. No, I can't move the furniture around, she wouldn't like that configuration. On some level I've convinced myself that this is a temporary situation.
I truly don't know how to live for myself.
I keep thinking about KJ's stepfather, who I will refer to as "DM." And I will refer to KJ's mother as "SM." KJ and DM had a falling out a few years ago, right after SM died. DM cheated on SM, and SM's dying wish was, "Don't let him give my favorite jewelry to his mistress." So a few weeks after SM's death, KJ asked DM if she could come by and look for a specific piece of jewelry.
DM went ballistic. He told KJ that she couldn't have any jewelry, and that she wasn't welcome to stop by anymore unless she was invited. KJ retaliated by calling him out publicly on Facebook, exposing that he'd cheated on SM. DM denied it (note, he actually has a son with the other woman), and most of KJ's family sided with DM.
DM counter-accused KJ of not visiting SM in the hospital. Which, first of all, is a lie. I know she went at least twice, because I had to sit in the car each time (Covid protocols only allowed one visitor). She did cancel her final visit because the nurses told her not to bother, that SM was too far gone to know anyone was there. And KJ couldn't emotionally handle seeing SM in that state. So DM told everyone that KJ didn't love her mother.
Anyway, in all the time I've known DM, he never appeared to like SM. I never saw them act friendly with each other, I never saw any sort of chemistry between them, and it always looked more like a business relationship than anything. They went through the motions because "that's the way it's done."
A note about SM. She was an amazing woman. Smart and energetic. When I first met KJ, SM had been diagnosed with six months to live. We always joked that she was too stubborn to die. She had persistent health problems for the next twenty-something years, and finally died during Covid (but not of Covid). But I never saw her lose a bit of energy.
So from my point of view, when SM died, DM finally got what he'd always wanted. He no longer had this strong-willed woman holding him back, fighting with him, telling him what he could and couldn't do. He no longer had to take this woman to the hospital, forcing him to pay large medical bills. He now has the freedom to date who he wants, and he can spend all his free time working on cars and flying remote control airplanes.
I just keep seeing parallels. We both had been forced into a caregiver position, for a spouse who was in failing health. Now we both live alone in houses too big for a single person. We're even both unemployed right now (since he's retired), so we have plenty of time to be alone with our thoughts, to reflect on our memories of our respective spouses.
But it's also so, so different. I mean, I could be 100% wrong here. DM was a difficult man to get to know, so maybe I've misjudged him. I've disliked him for a very long time. When I first met KJ, she told me DM was acting creepy towards her, and she suspected him of looking at her in a sexual way. One of the reasons we first moved in together was to get her out of that house.
So even if I give DM the most charitable benefit of the doubt in history, he's still a disgusting human being. I simply can't imagine that he mourned SM the same way I'm mourning KJ. I just don't see it in him.
I could be totally wrong about him. KJ might have been totally wrong about him. I'm just glad I'll never have to see him again.
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