Transgender Fiction: Under My Skin

A while back I posted about some lesbian romance books I've been reading.  One of the books was called "Solve for i" by A. E. Dooland.  I didn't realize it until I was done reading it, but it was actually a spin-off of two other books: "Under My Skin" and "Flesh and Blood".  So I read them in the wrong order, oops.

Under My Skin is about Min Lee, an Australian/Korean woman with oodles of artistic talent.  She has an excellent (but stressful) job, and a wonderful boyfriend.  Her life isn't perfect, but it's stable.  That is, until everything gets shaken up at once.  She is given the lead on an important project at work, she becomes friends with a hyper schoolgirl, and she begins having confusing thoughts about her gender identity.

I’m kind of glad I read them in the wrong order.  Min’s story gets so hopeless as the novel approaches its climax, that I was starting to get stressed out myself.  It was a relief to partially know how things turn out.  I swear, though, Lemony Snicket has nothing on Min Lee. 

If I’d had half as many things go wrong in one day as Min does, and I also lived in a 26^th floor apartment with a balcony… well, all I’m saying is I’d be tempted.  There've been times when a lack easy access was the only thing that saved my life.  This is one of the reasons I don't own a gun:  I don't need that kind of temptation lying around.  But (and I'm trying to avoid spoilers here, but it needs to be said) the book has some of the best anti-suicide arguments I've ever seen. 

Sometimes I thought the book was a little repetitive, but it works.  Min’s thought process is cyclical like mine.  It's probably common among trans people - constantly talking yourself in and out of taking self-affirming risks.  Heck, half of my personal blogs are variations of the same whine.  I'm also redundant, I repeat myself, and I say things over and over.

Gemma from "Solve for i" is a side character the story.  She's a friend of a friend who has a couple of significant scenes with Min. I still relate to Gemma more than any fictional character I've encountered, but Min Lee is pretty relatable too.  Even though she's* the exact opposite of myself (she's FtM and I'm MtF), Min's feelings are very similar to mine.  How she discovers her issues, how she feels about having to dress in the wrong clothing every day, loathing the person she sees in the mirror... these are so much like my own issues and experiences that it made the book feel very personal.

*note, since Min is FtM, I should probably be referring to her as "he".  However, for reasons given in the books themselves, "she" is less confusing.  Min is non-binary and doesn't care about pronouns, and some of the other characters continue to call her "she" throughout.

Since she's my opposite, my inner transwoman balked at some of Min's distaste for the things I want so dearly.  I was reminded of something Data said to Spock on Star Trek: "In effect, you have abandoned what I have sought all my life."  But I can still relate to it in more general terms.  The cis people in the book ask a lot of the same questions and make the same anti-trans arguments I hear in real life.  Min's own inner debates mimic mine.  I really feel for her, and there were times the book made me cry.

Since this book was written by an Australian author and takes place in Sydney, it was neat seeing the little differences between American and Australian culture.  It was even more interesting seeing how much was the same.  Most of the time life was so similar that I forgot this was taking place on the opposite side of the world.  I don’t know what I was expecting, but I aside from having to google a few words now and then, nothing really confused me.

If you are trans, you will find a lot of familiar things in this book, and may even find it life affirming.  If you are cis, you may come away understanding trans people a little better.  There’s a positive message at the end that’s so powerful, I really wish everyone would read this book.

This series is such a joy to read that I'm giving them the greatest compliment I can give an author:  I'm not taking them off my Kindle when I'm done reading them.  I know I'm going to read them again someday, probably soon enough that I don't want to have to redownload them. They're worth reading, and reasonably priced.  But... do try to read them in the right order.

I still need to read Flesh and Blood.  It takes me a long time to finish a book, and Dooland tends to be a little verbose (in a good way), so it might be a couple of months.  But I will post here when I'm done.

What Cis People Need To Understand

Dear cis person:  How much time do you really spend thinking about gender?  How much of your life have you devoted to researching it?  For most cis people, I would bet it's not much.  Maybe you think about it for a few minutes when it comes up in the news, but then you're distracted by the next topic.  If your gender isn't broken, there's not much reason to think about it.

Most trans people I've met have been experts on the psychology of gender.  We have to be.  We spend every day thinking about it.  It's a subject that keeps us up at night.  We don't just wake up one day and think, "Oh, if I put on a pretty dress I'll be a girl now!" We read the books.  We spend years in therapy.  We do the research. 

And we don't just read the books that agree with our opinions.  We spend years trying to disprove our transness.  No one wants to be trans, it is a soul-crushing life full of obstacles and threats that most cis people don't even consider.  It would make life much simpler if we could just accept the bodies we were given.  We try to fit in, we try to be comfortable, we don't just say "I guess I'm trans" and start cross dressing.

When it comes to public restrooms, most of us are scared to go into either one.  It's never as simple as, "Oh, I'm dressed woman so I'll use the women's".  It's more like, "If I use the women's, will they yell at me?  If I use the men's, will I get beaten up?  Will I make the other people in there uncomfortable?  Can I hold it?  Should I just go home early?  Should I just stay home from now on?  Can I really live my life like this?"  We don't go into the restrooms for insidious reasons, we just want a safe place to pee.

No, we're not perfect.  Like any group, sometimes the loudest of us say the dumbest things.  Don't assume that the high profile trans celebrities represent all of us.  You wouldn't judge all Christians by the ones who commit terrorist acts, so be careful about making similar assumptions about groups you don't understand.

We're not transitioning to "parody women" or "erase lesbians" or whatever the TERFs are now saying.  We're not anti-feminist; in fact, most trans people I know are extremely feminist.  I've personally been accused of wanting to be a woman because I think women have easier lives than men.  I definitely don't believe that.

We have tried just "getting over it".  We've tried living life as our birth sex.  We transition to restore our own sanity, and in some cases to save our own lives.

I'm not saying your opinion is worthless.  I'm just asking you to recognize that you are a novice who is arguing with experts. You may never completely understand us, and that's fine as long as you accept us.  But please, stop thinking you know more about the subject than we do.
 

Tennessee Schools Must Display National Motto

From the Channel 5 News site:

New Law: Schools Must Display 'In God We Trust' In Clear View

  

Ugh, just ugh.  I've spent so much time wanting them to remove it from our money, and this just takes things in the wrong direction.  I respect that most Tennesseans are religious, but why must they demand that everyone else be religious too?

I've heard that some claim that it's not about promoting religion, but rather promoting the national motto.  Oh, so it's not Christian propaganda, it's political propaganda.  Sure, that's way better.  But you can't fool me.  If the national motto was, "Protect the Environment" or "Visualize World Peace", they probably wouldn't be pushing so hard.

I'm not going to call it religious prosecution just yet.  It's just words on a wall, not rounding up atheists for concentration camps.  But it does send a definite and clear message:  Atheists are not welcome here.  And with that message, Christianity crosses the line from "well meaning dogma" to "oppressive hate group." 

Social Clumsiness

 Once upon a time I was working at Subway.  A customer came in and started to order, but before he got far a police officer came in.  The officer pointed to the customer, smiled, and made a “come here” gesture.  Both men left the building, and I could see them talking outside.  After a few minutes they both laughed, the officer left, and the customer came back inside.  I looked at him quizzically, and he told me what happened.

There was a Little Caesar’s next to the Subway.  The customer had ordered a pizza by phone, but he got there right after they closed.  Looking in through the door, he saw a pizza on the counter, which he assumed was his.  Now, ordinarily he probably would have thought, “it’s closed, I’ll go somewhere else.”  But it looked like they’d just closed a few minutes ago, they’d already made his food, and all they needed was for him to pay for it.  In his mind, where was the harm?  So he knocked on the door.

A young employee poked her head out from the back room, surprised by his knock.  Using exaggerated motions, she pointed to her left.  The customer found out later that she was trying to indicate the sign with their hours.  But he took it to mean, “Our front door is locked, come around to the back door for your pizza.”  So he walked around the building and knocked on the back door.  The employee saw him through the peephole and called the police.  When she never came to the back door, the customer decided to get Subway instead, and that’s when the officer showed up.

Socially comfortable people are reading this and thinking, “Wait… how could ANYONE think the employee meant for him to go to the back door?  It’s unsafe to be opening the doors for anyone after hours, and the back door just makes it more dangerous!”  But those who are socially clumsy, like myself, can relate instantly.  Navigating social situations is a skill that comes more naturally to some people than others, and people like me often find themselves  completely misunderstanding what’s going on around them.

Usually it's little things.  Like one time in college a girl I liked told me she was going to start swimming more often, so she could lose weight.  I replied, “Good idea!”  I meant the swimming, but it sounded like I was responding to the “lose weight” part.  My life is a series of wrong responses like that.

There’s an old Dilbert strip where he meets an attractive woman and he says, “It’s a pleasure to meet me.  I hope you never find a live turtle in your soup.”  Dilbert’s next self-berating thoughts indicate that even he doesn’t know what he meant by that sentence.  There’s a Big Bang Theory episode where Leonard tries to say “hello” and “hi” at the same time, and it comes out “Hi low”.  That’s what we socially clumsy people do.  We try to say multiple things at once so that they come out as random word salad.  We change our mind halfway through sentences.  Then we mentally beat ourselves up and become strangely quiet, sometimes halfway through a sentence.

When I first moved out of state, I missed a lot of my old friends.  This was before e-mail was very common, so I sent out a lot of letters with my new contact information, hoping at least one of them would call or write me.  One day the phone rang, and the caller sounded exactly like Apu from the Simpsons.  One of my high school friends was good at doing cartoon voices, and Apu was one of his favorites.

Calling me up while imitating a Simpsons character was exactly the kind of thing he would do.  So after he said his hellos, I responded with a very familial, “Hey, buddy, what’s up?”  It wasn’t my friend.  It turned out to be a telemarketer, and that was his actual accent.  He sounded confused for a second, but went on with his spiel.  I listened to everything he had to say, politely turned down whatever he was trying to sell, and started to say goodbye.

But before ending the call, he asked me, “By the way, when you first picked up, it sounded like you recognized my voice…”

“Sorry, yes, I thought you were a friend of mine.”

“Oh, is your friend of Indian descent?”

And then I said one of the stupidest, most racist things I’ve said in my life.  “No, he just likes doing funny voices.”  I swear, I could hear his face fall over the phone.  All the animation went out of his voice, and he flatly said, “Well, it was a pleasure talking to you, have a good day.”  I hung up the phone, and just sort of stared at the wall for several minutes, feeling as if I’d just kicked myself in the stomach, wondering how I could possibly have been dumb enough to say that.

Not that it makes a difference, but I probably wasn’t using “funny” to mean “humorous” so much as “unusual”.  As in, “The engine is making a funny noise.”   I don’t find anything inherently funny about Apu’s accent, but my friend’s ability to mimic so many voices was delightful.  I’m well aware of the “Problem with Apu”, but from my friend’s POV he wasn’t making fun of people with accents, he was doing impressions of TV characters.

But still… yeesh.  Of all the things to come out of my mouth.

These are the little things that keep me up at night.

Wasting My Life

I've been bouncing around the internet lately, joining various transgender message boards and chat rooms.  But I still feel alone.  The internet is full of young trans people who already look like supermodels despite only being a few months into transitioning.  There's so much information out there now.  People are realizing that they're transgender at younger ages.

It is amazing to me that I could even consider envying a transperson.  If I'm going to be jealous of anyone, it's cis women.  But everyone looks up to someone, and everyone seems to have their life a lot more together than I do.

The world is passing me by.  Transgender issues are getting so much visibility now.  When I was a kid, I always knew I identified more with female characters, but I never really knew what to do with that, and stuffed it away in the back of my head.  I knew there were people who got "sex changes", but I always thought it had something to do with gay culture and never really looked into it.

About 12 years ago I started really noticing patterns to my life - for instance I couldn't play online games without assuming a female persona.  I just couldn't, and I didn't understand why.  I searched for an answer, and learned a new word - "Transgender".  For a while I had to explain to so many people what the word meant... and then, suddenly, it was everywhere.  Bathroom bills, Caitlyn Jenner, etc... now everyone knows what it means.

But no sooner had I discovered the term, than it started quickly evolving.  To me, gender meant "male or female".  Therefore, there couldn't be more than 4 genders total - Male, Female, Bigender (for those who feel like both, or who go back and forth), and Agender (for people who never feel a strong connection to any gender).

And yet, people keep saying there's more than that.  One week I hear there's 32 genders.  Later I hear there's 63.  Most recently I heard the number was 122.  Seriously, google "List of Genders".  You probably won't find two sites that agree, and you'll find as many humor sites as you do serious ones.

I don't know about any of that.  I've looked into the descriptions of some of these extra genders, and most of them seem like they would fall under the umbrella of bigender.  But you know what?  That's fine.  I'm not going to criticize someone just because they want to use a different word to describe their gender.  I am not going to dismiss their ideas about gender identity.  There's too many bigots out there objecting to things they don't understand.  I don't understand all these genders, but I support those who do.

But these non-binary definitions do not define me.  I have a male body.  I have a female brain.  I am not gender fluid, I feel 100% female and I am stuck in a male life.  My life is binary, my life is mismatched, and it SUCKS.

But I'm not going to transition.  I simply can't.  It's not a matter of lacking self-confidence, it's a practical matter.  I am already deep in debt and living paycheck to paycheck, and married to a woman I can't bear to lose.  If I came out at work, I would definitely lose my job, declare bankruptcy, and become homeless.

So I'm wasting my life.   I have no clear goals.  I think "shit or get off the pot", and yet I'm locking myself in the closet forever, singing "When will my life begin" from Tangled. I can't even talk to my wife without starting an argument.  It's my fault.  I'm brittle right now.  My ego is fragile, and my self-worth is at zero.  For a while I was able to stay sane by playing D&D and online games, but it's not enough. 

Sometimes I think it's inevitable: Transition or suicide.  And I know transition will never happen.  Neither will suicide (I promise).  But... neither will anything else, either.  I won't ever work my way out of debt, or go back to school or get a better job.  My dysphoria keeps me from having ambition.  I'm just not interested in being a better person if that better person is still male.

It's like, to lose weight, you have to have a clear picture of what you want to look like.  I don't bother losing weight because I know that if I lose 50 pounds I'll just be a more attractive man.  Which is not a goal that inspires me.  Same with my career.  I could go back to school, become, a computer programmer (for example), and after years of hard work I'd be... a male computer programmer.  Bah.

Of course, I try to tell myself:  Lose weight anyway, it will make it easier if you start dressing as a woman again!  Go back to school, it will give you more money to start thinking about transitioning!  Doesn't work, because I'm positive I'm not going to transition, or even wear dresses any more.  So... I don't have the motivation to improve my life, because I know I'll never improve it the way I want to.

So I'm stuck here.  Waiting for something good to happen to me, rather than making it happen.  Which makes me hate myself even more.

Dammit.

I Know. Still.

Well, now I've done it.  Yesterday I mentioned all the lesbian romance novels I've been reading.  Well, they've triggered my dysphoria something fierce.  I loved every minute reading "Solve For i", but I've felt depressed ever since I finished it.  Why can't I have Gemma's problems?  Why can't I have that life?  Her life isn't perfect, she has all sorts of problems.  I'm not asking for a perfect, problem-free life here.  What I want is something more than half the humans on the planet get for free, due to simple random biology.

This is an excerpt from the excellent book, She's Not There: A Life In Two Genders by Jennifer Finney Boylan.

    I often woke up and lay there in the dark. Usually this was about a quarter to four. I'm the wrong person, I thought. I'm living the wrong life, in the wrong body.
    To which I would respond:You're a maniac. An idiot.You have a life a lot of other people dream about, a life so full of blessings that your heart hurts.
    To which I would respond: I know. Still.
    To which I would respond: Well, what do you think you're going to do about this now? Have a sex change, at age forty? Abandon all the love that has made your life whole, so that you can enter into a new life, about which you know nothing? What kind of woman do you think you'd be now, having never had a girlhood? What kind of person do you think you'd be, leaving your children without a father, your wife without a husband?
    To which I would respond: I know. Still.
    To which I would respond:Well, you go on and have a sex change, then. Just leave me out of it. I'll just say my prayers so I can appreciate the things I have and not launch off like an imbecile into a life of lurid marginality.
    To which I would respond:You know, don't you, that no amount of wishing that this were not the case can make it not the case. No amount of praying that you are not transgender will make you some-thing other than what you are. No amount of love from anyone will make you fit inside a body that does not match your spirit.
    To which I would respond: Well, I'll be goddamned if I'm going to break anybody's heart. I'll be goddamned if I'm going to let my family down. I'll be goddamned if I'm going to give up everything I've always wanted just so I can fit.
    To which I would respond: I know. Still.
    To which I would respond: Well, all right, then. You'll be god-damned.

I read this book more than 10 years ago, and it's still one of my favorite books about transgender issues.  The passage above really resonates with me.  It sums up just about every feeling I have about my gender identity.

There are times when, from a logical standpoint, I don't even believe in the concept of gender.  It's just a made up social construct. Would I still feel transgender if we lived in some sci-fi future where there were no gender roles?  Would I still want to live as a woman if I lived in a country where women are treated like slaves?  Can't I just live my life as gender neutrally as possible, and let people assume I'm a normal guy? 

I know.  Still.

In the grand scheme of things, it just seems like such a First World Problem.  There are people out there fighting for survival every day, and here I am whining because I don't look cute in a dress. Even in my own life, I've got bigger problems.  I have debts, the house needs repairs, and so on.

I know.  Still.

Life is short.  What's the point of changing my life now, when I've missed all the years I'd want to enjoy most?  What do I really get from it?  Why risk all my current friendships?  Why alienate myself from my family?  Why risk my job?  Why make my current life harder?  Why not just focus on my hobbies, and let my identity go on the back burner? 

I know.  Still.

I make all these arguments, but I always come back to the same thing.  The logical reasons don't fix anything.  I still feel like I'm pretending my way through life, unable to show my true self.  Every night I picture myself in various lives. This is how I fall asleep: imagining myself as a woman, in different scenarios.  Sometimes I'm a redhead who lives in Seattle.  Sometimes I'm a brunette who lives in Wales.  I'll picture potential jobs, entire house layouts, what sort of friends I have, and so on.

Some of these fantasies are mundane, with me working a 9-to-5 job and barely making ends meet.  Sometimes I'm unbelievably rich.  Sometimes I have super powers.  If you're going to fantasize anyway, might as well go big, right?  But in all the scenarios, I'm female.  I simply can not fantasize about a life where I'm male.  There is no "dream life" where I'm a rich, good looking man.

I've given up getting cispeople to understand it.  I really don't think it's possible.  The best I can hope for is for them to realize that it's important to me.

I've probably said this before, but this is the best way I know how to explain it:  When you see a movie, and there's a character you think is really cool, to the point where you fantasize about being them.  It's usually someone of your own sex, right?  How many cis-men do you think saw Tomb Raider and though, "Gee, I wish I was Lara Croft?"  No, but you can bet a lot of them had Indiana Jones fantasies.  Me, I identify with the cool female characters.

Or when you look in the mirror, and decide that your body isn't perfect, and want to shed a few pounds or gain a bit of muscle.  You have an idealized image of yourself in your head, whether it's something possible (like losing weight) or something a lot less likely (like being six inches taller).  Mine is female.  Ideally, a cute thin redhead.  Some guys might envy Vin Diesel, and not just because they think it would get them laid more.  They just really like the look.  Me, I envy Felicia Day.

But I am not going to transition.  Not only is it just about impossible in so many ways - economically, socially, logistically - but even if I was rich and alone, I'm not convinced it would be fulfilling.  I have no way of knowing if I would ever feel 100% a woman, or if I would forever feel like some sort of imposter.

I have to accept that this is what life is.  It's not fair, but I have it better than a lot of people.  Some people wish they had legs. Or a roof over their heads.  Or their children's lives back.  And I'm sitting here wishing I looked cute in a dress.  It's time to stop pining over what I'm not, and work on improving the life that I have.

It's the only logical answer.

I know.  Still.

Living Vicariously Through Fictional Lesbians

(This should probably go on my entertainment blog, but it felt better here.)

Not too long ago I discovered BookBub, a site that e-mails you when Kindle books go on sale.  If you read a lot of e-books, it's worth checking out.  You tell them what categories you read, and they send you a daily e-mail with links to cheap/free books.  I've collected a large library of free Kindle books this way. 

I always thought romance stories were boring.  But BookBub showed me a category of romance novel I'd never really thought about - Lesbian romance.  Curious, I downloaded a few of the free ones just to see what I thought.

Well... I love them.  As it turns out, I don't hate romance after all, I just don't like reading about men.  Not that I dislike male characters, but my secret inner lesbian can't relate to them, and doesn't really care whether they "get the girl" or whatever.  And if the main character is female, well sure I want her to be happy, but I can't relate to wanting a man.

So it turns out lesbian romance is right up my alley.  Now let's be clear - I'm not talking about porn (though the occasional explicit scene doesn't bother me), but more like romantic comedies.  I've read several of them now, and like any other genre, some are better than others.  A couple of them were downright dull, but there have been a few standouts.

Here's a sampling of some of the ones I liked most:

The Rules of Love by Cara Malone
This is just a basic romance story between two lesbian college students.   Ruby is popular, but a great student.  Max has Asperger syndrome, and is very focused on her studies.  At first they see each other as rivals, but later give in to sexual tension.  But are they on the same page?  Is it just a fling, or the beginning of a relationship?

I liked this one because it was breezy - nothing earth-shattering, just the kind of light-hearted book you might read on an airplane to pass the time.  I was impressed at how well Asperger syndrome was portrayed (though it's not like I would know).  It has two follow-up books, which I am considering reading.  It's written in third person, but each chapter alternates which protagonist's point-of-view is in focus.

For those uncomfortable with love scenes, I should warn you that there are a couple.  The first one actually takes several (short) chapters, because as I mentioned above, that's how it switches point-of-view.  It takes a few chapters so you can see how each character perceives each part of the encounter.  The sex scenes are tastefully written IMO, but still fairly explicit.

Rulebreaker by Cathy Pegau
Liv Braxton is a professional criminal on a mission of corporate espionage, hoping to blackmail a major company.  She gets hired as a personal assistant to Zia Talbot, a no-nonsense executive with a weakness for beautiful assistants.  Can Liv find the incriminating files before being discovered?  And can she do it without falling for Zia herself? 

This was the first sci-fi lesbian romance I've read, and I hope I find more like it.   In fact, it has inspired me.  I don't want to go into detail, but I am considering writing some GLBT sci-fi of my own.  The world needs more of that out there.

Again, a warning for the squeamish - this one does have one explicit love scene.  Which makes me wonder where one draws the line between erotic literature and normal romance stories.  How explicit does it need to be?  How many such scenes need to be in the book?  How deep does the plot need to be, and does it matter if the sex is crucial to the plot?  Of the lesbian romances I've read so far, I'd only call a couple of them "erotica" or "porn" (and Rulebreaker wasn't one of them), but that definition's going to vary from person to person.

Solve For i by A E Dooland 
This is my favorite lesbian romance so far.  Gemma is a neurotic math wiz, working a menial job at a major corporation.  She has always thought of herself as straight, but has recently started having odd yearnings towards her long-time best friend, Sarah.  Thus begins a journey of self-discovery and personal growth, where Gemma eventually realizes she's gay and has to find a way of coming out to her friends.

Though Gemma and I live extremely different lives, I identified with Gemma more than I have ever identified with a fictional character.  It's written in first person, and the author has a real understanding of crippling social anxiety.  Often Gemma would be asked a question, and she would spend so long weighing all her possible answers - just knowing that every answer was the wrong one - until she finally wouldn't say anything at all.  I've been there.

I can't tell you how many times Gemma even annoyed me with her fear-induced procrastination.  And each time I would think, "Dammit Gemma, you need to tell them right now... but yeah, I probably would have done the same thing."  And that's the crux of it; it was like reading a character with my own worst qualities.
 
And yet, I would personally beat a puppy to death with a kitten just to have her problems.  As much as she is a colossal screw-up (as am I), she's also a cute redhead lesbian with a decent job and several close friends.  And by the end of the book she has overcome a lot of her fears and problems.  If I overcame my social anxiety and fears, I'd still be a middle-aged fat guy with massive debt and the wrong genitals.  In some respects, reading these lesbian romances may not be the best thing for me - when I snap back to reality afterwards, I grow even more depressed.

But anyway, it's a wonderful book.  It actually made me laugh and cry several times, and I haven't cried from a book since high school.  I plan to read Dooland's other books set in the same universe: Under My Skin and Flesh & Blood (which I believe take place before Solve For i, but feature some of the side characters). 

Explicitness factor: Not very high.  There are two love scenes, sort of.  One of them is a bit explicit, but not much worse than you might see in a Dean Koontz book. 

So if you only read one lesbian romance novel this year... oh, who am I kidding, no one who reads this blog is going to be into that.  Regardless, Solve For i had a deep personal connection for me.  Anyone who does decides to read it will understand the way I think a little bit more.