A Random Memory

The management of this theater, in cooperation with the Tennessee State Fire Marshal’s office, requests that you take a moment to look around the theater and familiarize yourself with the location of all emergency exits.

The aisle ways in which you entered, and the passageways, designated by the illuminated Emergency Exit signs, visible to you at either the right or left of the forward section, have been checked and are clear exits from the building in the event of an emergency.

Thank you for your time and attention.

That’s one of the first things I ever memorized.  I probably knew it by heart before I learned any Bible verses or even the Pledge of Allegiance.  I’m not sure if that says something about our society, but I’m not trying to make any sort of statement.  I just thought it was funny that I still remember it; that version hasn’t been in use for years.

Perception

My brain doesn’t work right.  I have trouble communicating with other human beings.  I perceive the world differently than most people.  Or maybe everyone feels like that, but I don’t hear them talk about it.

I don’t enjoy discussing my hobbies.  “Riiiight,” you say, having read my past blogs.  But it’s true.  I like lecturing about my hobbies, but not really discussing them.  I’ll write long-winded blogs, or have mostly one-sided conversations, but I have difficulty engaging in two-way dialogue about activities I love.  On some level, I view all conversations as instructive.  If the other person knows more about the subject than I do, there’s no point in me speaking except to ask questions.  If the other person knows less than I do, then I have the compulsion to share all my knowledge to the point that they can’t get a word in edgewise.  It’s not healthy, and I don’t know how other people enjoy two-way conversations on a more equal basis.  I’m afraid I might be alienating people, alternating between being too quiet and being a know-it-all.

When I play D&D, I take notes so I can post session recaps on my blog.  But multiple players have told me that I always get the details wrong.  This bothers me because I’m writing down what happens as it comes out of the DM’s mouth.  Sometimes I even read the published module to confirm some of the events (I never read past our current spot, scout’s honor).  If my memory and another player’s memory disagree, it seems like mine would be the right one; I have the notes to back it up.  But even the DM has said to me, “I always love reading your blog the next day so I can see your version of events.  I’ll read it and be like, ‘That’s what happened?  Cool!’”  He’s nice about it, even complimentary – “That’s way more exciting than the way I remember running it” kind of thing.  But you don’t know how frustrating it is that I take all these measures and still get the details wrong.

I know part of it is that I don’t always catch sarcasm.  If a player asks if the vampires we’re fighting sparkle, and the DM says “Yeah, sure,” then guess what’s going in the blog.  This is made worse by the fact that, in my experience, D&D players tend to be unusually sarcastic people.  Some of this would be rectified if I interacted with people more.  I would eventually get used to all the verbal inflections that indicate sarcasm.  But in-person social interaction gives me anxiety, and being around too many humans makes me tired.

I’m also not good at reading between the lines.  Some DMs will describe exactly what we see, but let us draw our own conclusions about what it means.  Sometimes it’s intentionally obvious that A+B=C, but I still end up with W.  If the DM describes a fountain surrounded by corpses, I’ll be the one assuming that the water tastes so good, even the dead want to try it.  If our characters find themselves locked in a room while a two-headed ogre bangs on the door, I’ll be the one asking if we should let him in, because maybe the two-headed ogre is in trouble and needs our help.

I recently realized that I had a major misconception about a plot point in Avengers: Infinity War.  Gamora says something along the lines of, “I found the map to the Soul Stone, and I burned it to ash.”  I always interpreted “it” to mean the stone, not the map.  Meaning she destroyed the stone.  And that’s why Thanos had to sacrifice her to get the stone back, because that’s how you reforge an Infinity Stone that’s been destroyed.  And being the Soul Stone, it requires the soul of a living being to be recreated.  I talked about the scene to several people and in a couple of blogs, speaking as if everyone shared my interpretation of the scene, because I had no reason to believe differently.

But that’s not what happened.  She burned the map to ash, so Thanos needed her memory to guide him to the stone, and the only reason he has to sacrifice her is because (as Red Skull explains if I would just listen) obtaining the Soul Stone works differently than the other stones.  Honestly, I like my version better, but I’m still embarrassed by my misconception.  And I have these misinterpretations All. The. Time.  I know I’m not the only one to make these mistakes, but they just seem to happen more to me than anyone else I know.

I don’t know where to go from here.  I don’t feel like an adult, but a lot of people say that.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually mentally handicapped, and the rest of the world is just humoring me.  I’d think I have Imposter Syndrome, except those are people who don’t believe they deserve their accomplishments.  I have no accomplishments, so I can’t say I don’t deserve them.

This Might Not Have Actually Happened

About 25 years ago, when I first got my driver's license, I got stuck trying to make a left turn at a traffic light.  This light didn't have a left arrow, and there was an infinite stream of cars I needed to turn through.  I sat through several cycles waiting for an opportunity to turn.  I couldn't even change my mind at that point, because the traffic to my right was also bumper to bumper.

I thought I'd be stuck there forever.  In fact, I'm still there right now.  The first few years were especially difficult.  Pizza places can be iffy about delivering to cars stuck in traffic, but if you tip them enough they get over it.  And then Uber Eats came along, and I found I could get all the comforts of home shipped to my car.

Life could be worse.

I Hate Cars

'nuff said.

I'm Not Perfect Either

Just the other day my wife said something like, "Remember that episode of (some sitcom) where they met a doctor that was wearing (some odd outfit)?"  I racked my brain trying to remember this doctor, and couldn't.  Then she added, "You remember, she had that (further description)?"  Upon hearing the word "she" in that last sentence, I immediately remembered the episode and character my wife was referencing.

When she'd said "doctor", I'd immediately pictured a man, and trying to match up a male character with the rest of her description kept me from remembering the character.  It was an instinctual, sexist moment on my part.  It wasn't intentional, but it's one of those little bits of internalized sexism that says a lot about our society.

To use someone else's example, it's like when a someone says, "Bob killed his neighbor's wife" instead of just "Bob killed his neighbor".  It's a distinction that's difficult for most people to notice, including myself.  Both phrases are technically accurate, but the former shows how deeply ingrained sexism can be.  The wife is Bob's neighbor too, why does she have to be identified by her relation to her husband?  It describes the wife as if she's not her own person, but someone's possession.  If it was the husband that was killed, you would probably never hear "Bob killed his neighbor's husband."

I'm afraid that my blogs come across as I'm holier-than-thou.  But a lot of the sins I point out in society, I'm guilty of as well.  That's how I know them so well.  I identified them in myself first.  Remember, I was born in a Christian Republican family, and kept those values until after college.  I might be evangelistic about my liberalism, atheism, and gender issues, but I'm not saying you're stupid for disagreeing with me.  I'm saying I used to think that too, and here's what changed my mind.

But more importantly, I'm not saying I'm never wrong.  To this day, I still say and do little things that are racist, sexist, or homophobic.  Identifying these mistakes is part of the journey to being a better person, and I'm still on that journey.  I don't hate people for making mistakes on their own journey, I'm just disappointed with people who refuse to take the journey at all.

No one is perfect, especially not me.  I'm trying to be a better person, and I hope you are too.

Lifeway

I hadn’t thought of this in a while, but with the recent news that Lifeway Christian Resources is closing its physical stores, I had a memory I wanted to share.  In 1999, I had just moved back to Nashville after spending a few years in Kentucky, and I was looking for a decent job.  A family member worked for LCR, and she forwarded me one of their applications.  I never finished filling it out.  After reading their policies, it just felt creepy.  I still considered myself Christian at the time, and hadn’t yet realized I was trans, but their policies still felt discriminatory and only borderline legal.

I had to go through some old CDs to find this, but I'd saved this bit of text from the application.  Note that the very top of the application claimed "We are an equal employment opportunity employer."  The definition of "equal opportunity employer" (according to Merriam Webster) is "an employer who agrees not to discriminate against any employee or job applicant because of race, color, religion, national origin, sex, physical or mental disability, or age."

The first few pages of the application asked the normal questions you would expect to see on an application.  Then there was a section titled "Personal Information", which asked your religious denomination, and where you attend church.  Finally, there was a section titled "Lifestyle Considerations" that had the following paragraphs:

Because of the unique and special nature of LifeWay Christian Resources, employees are expected to manifest conduct and actions which project an image consistent with the expressed purpose and mission of Lifeway. Southern Baptist churches have voluntarily given LifeWay a place of influence based upon the values of trust and respect.  It is, therefore; imperative employees favorably represent LifeWay.

Conduct which brings embarrassment to LifeWay or impedes its credibility with constituents is unacceptable.  Conduct or other actions inconsistent with that normally expected of Southern Baptist denominational employees is unacceptable.  Similarly, conduct or other actions perceived as inconsistent are unacceptable.  Examples of such conduct are involvement with alcohol, illegal drugs, pre-marital or extra-marital sex, cohabitation apart from the marriage relationship, homosexuality, and outside interests and pursuits which would normally be considered incompatible with LifeWay's mission.

LifeWay Christian Resources has not only the right, but also the responsibility to do everything possible to ensure the stated purpose and mission of LifeWay continues in its highest tradition and is not harmed or impeded by unacceptable behavior on the part of its employees.

Consistent with this purpose, LifeWay's policy is to ensure all applicant and employee behavior meets LifeWay's standards of acceptable conduct.  As a part of this policy, and individual's current and past conduct is reviewed.  Therefore, please respond accordingly to the inquiry below.  A yes answer does not automatically disqualify you from further consideration for employment, as each individual's circumstances are reviewed.

Do you have, or have you had, any lifestyle, conduct, or activity which would project an image which could embarrass LifeWay or impede its credibility with its constituents as referred to above?  (yes) (no) If yes,please explain:

I don’t know if these are still their policies today.  If they are, I wonder if they’re still so open about it.

Jack of all Trades, Master of None

I think my biggest problem is a lack of focus.  It’s been this way all my life.  I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.  (I still don’t.)  My brother had a laser-guided focus – he wanted to be an artist from a very early age, and never strayed anywhere else.  Sure, he had other hobbies, but none of them were potential careers.  Meanwhile, I kept going back and forth between wanting to draw comic books, write novels, and program video games.  I think I had a natural talent for some of those things, but I just couldn’t concentrate on any one hobby long enough to become competent.

I created several video games for the Commodore 64.  Nothing particularly complicated, mostly Defender-style shooters.  I didn’t actually know a programming language, I used a program called “Garry Kitchen’s Gamemaker”.  Additionally, I bought every game I could find that allowed you to design your own levels.  Excitebike.  Wrecking Crew.  Lode Runner.  More recently, Super Mario Maker.  I loved level design.  But I never got so into it that I learned how to make games from scratch.  Learning a computer language would have taken a level of dedication I didn’t possess.  I still sometimes think about learning to program, but I just can’t make myself start.  I’m afraid of investing money into classes I might not finish.

I drew comic books.  On notebook paper, just for my friends to read.  I started around third grade, and kept going until I was in my mid-20s.  My art did improve during that time – how could it not improve at least a little – but I never took the time to get really good at drawing.  I still sometimes get the urge to start a webcomic, but something shiny always distracts me before I go too far in that direction.

I wrote short stories.  This was mostly later, after high school.  Whenever I created a character for D&D, I would write a short story about them.  I wrote a full novel about some space bounty hunters, and several short stories with the same characters.  I still go back to them now and then, trying to fix some flaws and remove the worst clichés.  I don’t care about whether my stories make any money, it would be nice just to have something out there, perhaps on the Kindle store.  But I’m afraid I don’t have the attention span to complete them.

I’ve always been attracted to hybrid hobbies, ones that combine two or more skills without demanding you be an expert in any of them.  Drawing comic books took both writing and drawing skills – but less writing than a novelist and less artistic skill than a painter.  For a few years I made virtual paper dolls for a program called KISS (“Kisekae Set System”), which required small amounts of art and programming.  I even wrote short stories to go along with some of my KISS dolls.  I spent over a year designing a persistent world module for NeverWinter Nights – which took small amounts of computer scripting, writing dialogue, and general creative worldbuilding.

I have random weird skills without the secondary skills required to make the primary skills monetizable.  For example, I’m very good at proofreading (as long as I didn’t write it).  When I read books, spelling errors just jump out at me as if they were written in bold type.  Unfortunately, I don’t read fast enough to proofread for a living, and the invention of the spellchecker probably cut down on the number of professional proofreaders out there anyway.

Successful people have passion, usually for something very specific.  I don’t have specific passions.  I don’t latch onto specific hobbies.  I get caught up in odd minor aspects of hobbies that never result in me finishing a project.  I’m certain I fit in somewhere in the world.  I’m certain there’s a job or hobby out there that would fit me like a glove.  Everyone wants to be a rock star or a famous actor, but nobody dreams about being a key grip or lighting director.  I’m pretty sure I’m designed to have one of those technical jobs that nobody ever talks about, but the fact that nobody ever talks about it is the reason I haven’t heard of it.  Something in the entertainment industry, that requires minor knowledge of two or three fields without needing expertise in any of them.  Nothing that would put me on camera, nothing that would make me a household name, and I’m fine with that.

I know there’s a job out there that I could be passionate about, I just don’t know how to find it.